Searching- Initially I was very enabling...almost disgustingly so. My confidence had been shaken so bad that I would have bowed down to just about anybody. Now I am more at the point were I don't want to rock the boat anymore. I know she is planning on leaving as soon as she can...so why push the issue? At this time I see it only as creating more stress in a place that is stressed out already. I do mention to her about spending money and she does keep it under control. As far as spending time with the children....she has missed a lot that will never happen again. Times that will never be recaptured for her....and that is her loss. My kids will regret that she wasn't there for my daughters first soccer goal, a fun day at the beach, or the loss of a first tooth, but I was and that is the reality of it all. I think for a lot of the WAS on here, they will find Karma to be a b@tch someday, especially in situations with children.
Lola-I do agree that in marriage, spouses tend to lose some of what made them different to begin with. Individuality is lost, instead of embraced. I read a book and they went into great detail on how so many marriages fall into dependency as opposed to interdependency. My marriage was definitely about dependency to the max. So many of the things we enjoyed to do...ended with the children arriving. Not that children are bad, but we didn't keep up with ourselves.
When this all started I did a big self-review instead of lashing out with hatred (well a little hatred and pursuing..lol) and what I saw in the mirror wasn't good. The first glaring problems were that I was working to much for a company that didn't care and I was way out of shape. I started working less which allowed more time for me and more importantly...more time with my children. Then I started working out...hard. I had never been a skinny model type person, but I had always been in shape. I wasn't in shape any longer and that was fundamentally against who I had been for years. Then I started to look for things from there that I could do including the kids such as hiking...etc.
I found those parts relatively easy...it was wrestling with the emotional parts that I found difficult. The feelings of being a failure and less than a man. It took time, but I had to realized that even some of my faults were strengths that most people can't accept. I am very loyal...whether it was my employees or friends. Some people take advantage of that, but it is part of who I am. I was pounded to the point of thinking of it as a weakness and then I embraced it as a strength.
Currently...I am content with who I am. Things might not be great because of things outside of my control, but I am content. I am a good father and husband (my wife will even say so), I am successful, and I am 20 pounds from being pretty hot...lol.
On to the latest events....watched all four kids last night to about 6:30. The neighbors wife had a doctors appointment take forever so I ended up watching them longer. The marinara sauce came out good, but I needed to boil it longer. Finally jump in the shower at 8 and the wife comes home. I walk out of the bathroom and she has this look on here face and asks "Are you going somewhere?". I wasn't going anywhere, but I might need to change that. I don't get out during the week because I am doing things with kids and sometimes late work. She did seem to take notice of me showering though..who knows? So overslept a little and got the kids to the school bus and return home to a wife all chipper and joking around all the time before she left to work. She was actually joking and talking so much it was a little annoying.....I was still tired! So maybe next week I will go out during the week once the kids go to bed...that would be a new 180 for me. Once she left, I did what little work I had to do and started my morning torture rituals. Worked out with weights and then off to the park for a 4 mile walk. Walk was awesome and I include one of my latest 180's into it. I have challenged myself to say "hello" to 10 people I don't know everyday....it is actually quite fun! Of course saying hello to some 20 something female can always be fun for the confidence levels. From there went out to lunch with a friend at local mexican joint...yummy except I need to go walk another 4 miles now...lol.
