In March/April, my husband decided he wanted to quit smoking. He got on Chantix. It threw him into a deep depression (I didn't know how bad). I suspect he'd already been dealing with depression issues for the past couple of years, but of course, he wouldn't admit or talk about it. Anyway, he had his wits about him enough to quit taking it. Mother's Day weekend, he finally seemed to be his old self again.
Mother's Day weekend, he finally seemed to be his old self again. The very next day, he was contacted by an old female friend he hadn't seen or spoken to in 18 years. Although I thought it was odd that she'd suddenly looked him up after all these years, but I wasn't too concerned at first.
[i]A little back story: They were friends all through junior high and high school. I knew him in high school, but we didn't start dating until he was in college (I was still in high school), but I didn't really know her. They went to seperate colleges (both in state), but remained friends into the fall semester of their freshman year. That November, they were both going through break-ups and spent a night together, drinking and discussing life. They decided to get married. When he told me all of this (back when we were dating), he assured me that they never had sex. I'm not sure if that's important, but I want to mention it just in case. A few days later, she got back together with her old boyfriend and stopped talking to H. He was upset and called her. They had a fight and didn't speak again for 18 years. He and I started dating the following March and we have been together ever since.
Over the next couple of weeks, the amount of time he spent emailing, then talking to her on the phone, became alarming. I tried to talk to him about it, but he acted as if I was being ridiculous. Then he told me that he left his email up so I could look at any time and see that there was nothing to worry about. He said they were just friends and have never been anything more and that his friendship with her was no different than my friendship with my female friends. This was the Friday before Memorial Day.
Typically, neither of us worried about signing out of the computer when we were finished and either of us could look at each other's email although I never bothered up to that point. But when the emailing with OW started, he was signing out when he was finished...at least until I asked him about it.
So I managed to resist looking for a couple of days. But the feeling of impending doom, anxiety attacks, and lack of sleep got to me and in the wee hours of the morning the Tuesday after Memorial Day, I looked. What I saw was even worse than I feared. There was no sexual talk and any flirting was pretty mild and not especially alarming, but there was talk of soul mates, how much they've missed each other over the past 18 years, and he said that being without her all this time was like being without a limb.
Stupidly, I sent him this email: "I've always had this nagging fear that I'm someone you settled for instead of someone you truly want to spend the rest of your life with. I'm the rebound girl who didn't know her place. I thought I was finally getting over feeling that way when we were in New Mexico, but since Eva's appearance in our lives, it has come crashing back with a vengeance.
I don't want to ask you to cease contact with her. I don't think you would, and even if you did, you'd only resent me for it and that would erode our relationship further. However, I need to know that I come first and that your love for me is stronger." I know this was a HUGE MISTAKE and I'd do anything to take it back. But I can't. All I really wanted at this point was for him to take me in his arms and tell me that he loved me above anyone else and would never leave me.
The next morning after reading it, he woke me up and told me that he was very hurt by what I said and that if I'd always felt that way, I did us both a great disservice by marrying him. He then told me that for the last 9 years, he has resented that he worked to put me through college (I was working FT too) and now I'm not working in a job that uses my degree. He told me about how the 1-2 evenings a week while I was in class, our daughter would constantly ask "where's mommy?" over and over again and she didn't want to go to bed unless I was there to tuck her in. He thought we should go ahead and stick it out for the next few years until our daughter graduated HS, then sell everything and divorce.
I was too stunned to say much at this point. I tried to explain that I really didn't mean ALWAYS and that I was so exhausted and upset, I wasn't thinking clearly when I sent that email. I apologized. I'm sure there were some other things said, but I really can't remember.
I also said that I couldn't live a lie and pretend everything was okay between us for the next 3 years knowing that we would split. His response was that it wouldn't be a lie, we'd just focus on the good parts.
The next day, he had to go to Dallas for work (3 hr drive, one way). It was just a day-trip, but I expected that he'd stay overnight. He surprised me by coming home that night. He told me that he'd been doing some thinking and he thought we should go ahead and divorce. He wanted me and our daughter to stay in the house and he'd do everything he could to make sure we were taken care of. He told me that he still loved me but that for the last few years, when he thought about the future, he pictured himself alone. We held each other and cried together. Later that night, we ended up making love.
The next morning, he got up early and went to his parents house to break the news that we were getting divorce. He seemed like he couldn't wait to spread the news. He had called OW the night before and of course, she assured him that he was doing the right thing and that she'd be there to support him. She's been through it twice before (although without kids).
That night when he got home from work, he said he thought we should try counseling first. Of course, I agreed. I didn't (still don't!) want a divorce to begin with, but thought that if he's determined to leave, all I can do is try to make it as easy on our daughter as possible.
The following weekend, my daughter and I went to my folks house at the lake. He didn’t want to go. Later, I found out that he’d spent a total of 7 hours on the phone with OW in just those 2 days. But still, he insisted she was just a friend.
I spent the next week researching counselors. He really didn’t seem interested in looking with me, but I made a list of counselors with websites and he checked them out. We settled on someone and I scheduled an appointment for the following Monday.
Over the weekend prior to our appointment, I had a blow up about the amount of time he was spending on the phone with OW. Another mistake, I know.
Our first few weeks of counseling seemed to go well. Early on, the counselor explained to him how even though OW may be just a friend, the amount of energy he was focusing on his friendship was taking away from our MR. He said he understood and decided to cut contact with OW. That lasted for 4 days. Then he emailed her again. They managed to keep the emailing down to a minimum for a little bit, but after a couple of weeks it was up to nearly the previous volume. The phone calls did stop, however.
Through all of this there has also been the issue of his job. Three years ago, he left the company he was working for as a network administrator to start his own computer repair business. This was supposed to be a joint venture, with me doing much of the billing, etc. although I know little to nothing about computers. I did the tutorials in Quickbooks, so I could learn how it works, but after that, there was really nothing I could do without him teaching me a little about the business…or at least who to bill, what to bill for, and how much to charges. He could never seem to find the time to do that, so after a while, I gave up asking him to teach me and he did his own billing. He said in counseling that this is another thing for which he resents me.
Anyway, he has discovered that when he was unhappy at his previous job, it wasn’t so much the company that he was unhappy with as he thought, but the work itself. He is burned out on working with computers and wants to do something else. He just doesn’t know what. He wants to go back to college, but doesn’t know what he want to study and doesn’t want to take out any student loans while we are still paying on mine (9 years into the 20 year plan—something else he resents). He applied to join the National Guard (he has prior military experience so they’d accept him up to age 40), but never heard from a recruiter.
He then decided that he should apply for a contract job in the Middle East doing computer work for Halliburton (or some other company over there). That would pay well enough to get us almost completely out of debt and give him the time away he says he so desperately needs. His thought is that he’d sign up for a year contract at six figures, go over there and we’d decide if we are happier apart. He says “we” but what he really means is “he.” I told him so.
July 4th weekend, we were washing our dogs together and I told him that I thought things were going well between us and that if it continued along that path, I thought that our relationship would be strong enough survive a year apart. He didn’t really respond.
A few days later, I came home from work. He was already there. I asked how his day went and I just got a hostile look and a grunt in reply. Later on, I say that he had emailed OW describing his bad day in a paragraph with full sentences and descriptive words. I was upset, but I didn’t tell him.
I have a little notebook that I write in from time to time when I feel like my emotions are out of control. That night, I wrote in this how I thought it was sad that I had to snoop through his email to find out how his day was and that maybe he should go stay with OW so he could sit in her recliner and ignore her while emailing me and obsessively checking my facebook page. He walked into the bedroom while I was writing, gave me a funny look, but didn’t say anything.
The next morning, after I left for work, he found and read what I had written the night before. When I got home that evening, he had been stewing on it all day and was PISSED. Oddly, he was mostly upset about my derogatory comments about OW and that I said he only touched me or paid attention to me when he wanted to have sex (now, that part wasn’t actually true, but I was hurt and lost in the negative thought spiral). He was never supposed to see that.
Typically, the next day in a calmer frame of mind, I will reread what I’ve written, then tear out and destroy the pages, glad that I didn’t actually say any of that.
We had a counseling appointment that night so of course that was addressed. The counselor explained that it was actually a good exercise and that she often recommends that sort of thing to clients to help them sort out their thoughts and feelings.
Things have been bad ever since. All physical contact ceased for the next 2 months. It has resumed in the bedroom, but the playful and affectionate hugs and kisses are still missing.
He suddenly had to work late and couldn’t make it to the counseling session the following week (July 15).
He said he was just too stressed out and needed some time alone. He said ideally it would be 2 weeks in Alaska, but he’d settle for a weekend getaway (July 18-19). So he headed East and ended up in Branson…but not after suggesting to OW that the meet in Little Rock (which is about halfway between us and Nashville, where she lives). When she told him she didn’t think it would be a good idea, he played it off like he was joking and that he’d never leave his wife and child at home to go meet with her in another state.
I’m not sure what happened on his weekend getaway, but when he came back he was just as stressed as when he left and OW was no longer willing to have much contact with him. He outright refused to go to the following counseling session (July 22).
He went with me to counseling the following week (July 29), but he walked out when the counselor gently tried to explore why he’d skipped the previous 2 sessions. He said the counselor is just another touchy-feely female who doesn’t get him. We have not been back since.
The next day he told me that just because he didn’t think we were getting anywhere with counseling, that doesn’t mean he has given up on us.
I had my first DB coaching session with Dotty on August 24th. I think he could sense an improvement in my attitude immediately. Things seemed better and I’m not putting any pressure on him to talk about the R.
Monday, I came home from work to find that he had been cleaning house and was preparing salmon to grill for us that night. Later, we made love.
But since Tuesday morning, his attitude toward me has been cold. I checked his browser history and discovered that sometime Monday he had been looking at apartment listings.
I told Dotty that I didn’t think H and OW were in contact at all anymore, but since then, I discovered that he has made several attempts to get OW back into the EA with him. He sends short emails asking how she’s doing, how is work going, etc. She replies with short answers saying she’s really busy and doesn’t think it’s a good idea for them to email each other right now. Most recently, he outright asked her to tell him what the problem is and seemed to be practically begging her to talk to him.
I’m so confused. His actions don’t match his words and he says different things from one day to the next. The recurring theme is that he thinks he might be happier alone. He just needs a change of perspective. He can’t see the forest for the trees. He loves me and his heart says stay, but his head and logic say he should go.
The best piece of advice I received - Believe 1/2 of what you see and NONE of what you hear... Trust me, it is harder then it sounds but it will really help you... Keep posting... The people here are so very helpful and full of wisdom...
Sorry you have to find yourself here (((Hugs)))
P.S. Gotta love the browser history... You would be amazed at all I found looking there
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thanks. I'm so confused by the looking for apartments, then wanting to have dinner together and be close later that night. Maybe he saw the rent prices and decided he should make the best of it at home...
You are welcome I also saw apartment searches as well as "quicky" divorces and hotels for the 2 of them... Every search just added more pain to what I already felt until I had to stop... I knew the truth...I had the information I was looking for... Once all was said and done, I had to do a 180 and stop looking at the cell bill and his FB and his MS and his computer etc... And I will tell you this... It has only been about 3 weeks since I stopped everything... Time is your friend... Use it to decide what you want out of this... Do your 180s', GAL, protect your children and yourself... I also thought mine wasn't moving out due to the price of rentals, however he was biding time until the FT (fat troll since you are new here) left her H and moved here then he bailed one day while I was at work... And now here I am 2 months (today) later wondering what I want out of this... I no longer allow it to consume me... There are actually days (few and far between) when I wonder if I even want him back and you will get there in time as well
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I guess I should be grateful he hasn't thrown out the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" bit. He's still claiming that all they are is friends and that's all they ever were. But he has no explanation for their 3 day engagement or why he was so devastated when it ended. I know that's history but it bears a lot of weight on my apprehension and initial reaction.
My daughter and I are going to visit my parents this weekend. He's invited, but doesn't want to go. I'm half-afraid we'll get back Monday and he'll be gone.
If you can find my first thread, you will see I was told the same line "We are just old friends" - A lot of us were told that at some point in time... I am not trying to scare you, I just want you to be prepared... Expect nothing is what I am told and it helps you so much more when you have no expectations... Go to your parents house, have fun with your D and try to not focus on what your H is doing... Don't ruin your whole weekend wondering if he will be there when you get home... One minute at a time
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Something else that might be important: He has pretty much cut off contact with all his other friends and barely even speaks to his parents. There is one guy in particular that I think has been a very good friend to him, but H won't return his calls or emails. This friend just found out that he and his wife are expecting their 2nd child, but H hasn't even called/written to congratulate him.
H's dad's birthday was in July and all Dad wanted was to spend the day at the gun range with H, but H wouldn't go.
Also, though his parents know we were talking about divorce and were going to counseling, I don't think they have a clue about OW.
I'm wondering if I should get back into counseling on my own. Money is an issue, but I think insurance would cover it if I was going as an individual for depression/anxiety issues. I have those in spades.
