I feel for you so much as your W could be the female version of my H. The only difference is that his new partner is of the opposite sex.
My experience, and I truely hope it won't be yours, is that when I push to co-parent is when H goes totally off the wall and does and says things that he knows will push buttons for me. So as hard as it has been and whilst it may look to outsiders like I have given up I no longer tackle him on this. For the two children I have responsibility for I always let him know when things are happening at school/uni (like parents evening). He NEVER shows anymore. He doesn't give me the same courtesy but thankfully this is one area where I have succeed with S17 and he tells me when these things are on. I am ALWAYS there.
Like your W my H completely ignores me when we turn up for S17s school events. In front of the teachers you would never know what is happening between us b/c I go to great lengths to ensure this doesn't happen but in between talks with teachers its like I don't exist.
It upsets me terribly and I used to let it show BUT not anymore. I won't give him the satsifaction of knowing he has hurt me yet again. The last time we attended school I arrived on the bus as I had been to uni, he arrived inhis car, he lives 5 mins away and did not offer me a lift home. Conversely the time before this happened in reverse. I did offer him a lift but he declined.
I know you are not ready to give up on your M BUT FWIW I think that unless outwardly you start to show that maybe you are letting go then your W will always behave in this manner towards you. She is behaving in this way b/c she knows it hurts and right now she wants to hurt you.
When my H announced his OW was pregnant I was obviously devastated. However I sent a genuine email giving him my congratulations.It's not the child's fault that this has happened and at the end of the day my children will be it's older siblings and so I have to get used to this new life being part of our lives. For me it was this announcement that finally made me realise I was fighting a battle that was never mine to be won. I could have raved and ranted and said all the things I really felt inside but I didn't. At the moment it hasn't improved R with my H but I hope in time it will. Having a new baby in the house will hopefully make him remember how hard we worked as a team when our children were that age. I no longer want him back b/c whilst I could forgive an A I cannot and will not forgive a baby with another woman. That is one insult too many. He will never know that.
Turning back to your kids. The reason your D17 thought you would shout is b/c you keep making it obvious that you miss her and she expects you to get angry and frustrated about this. Continue to be the dad you are but for now do it in the background. I KNOW how much that hurts but the alternative justs hurts others more; namely your kids.
As for the same sex R your W is having. I think your children are all old enough to have realised for themselves what is happening. They don't discuss it with either you or W b/c they don't want to rock the boat any furhter. Children are more tolerant than we give them credit for and even more so when they are trying to please and keep the peace. I'm not saying what is happening is right just that your kids don't need reminding about what is right under thier noses. If they want to discuss it with you they will.
Replying to your posts is quite therapeutic for me b/c it reminds me of what I should be doing in my own sitch so believe me I know that putting any of this into action is NOT easy and it tkaes a lot of grit and willpower to get there.
BUT YOU WILL
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
