I wasn't sure what you meant about two people saying the same thing and getting different responses. But FWIW:
"you may want to look this over so that you know what you are in for tonight,"
is not at all like:
"Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play,"
Lanz,
Lots of guys use the internet to jack off. Some look at porn, some look at "live" sites, some chat with women, some video-chat with women, some flirt with women at AFF, some eventually meet women for in person sex off the internet.
You said you were turning to the internet for your sexual satisfaction. I have no idea what that means. It could mean porn, it could mean video chat. It could mean AFF. WHATEVER it means, unless W is fully informed as to the content and extent of your activity, then you are working against a healthy, vibrant M with authentic, intimate sexuality.
Of course, if you are using a little porn and your wife knows about it, and it is not creating your own little sex life from which your W is excluded, then its probably fine. If jacking off to a little porn is the ruin of a M, then probably 99.99999999% of Ms in this country are doomed, lol.
Plenty of women are probably fine with their H's viewing porn, maybe some with "live" porn, few with anything else.
But, that is neither here nor there. My point was that I don't think that your desensitization approach is likely to get you to a sex life that you want and that your internet activity is counterproductive, just how counterproductive depends on exactly what you are doing and what your wife knows. *I have no idea what you are doing and what your wife knows. So, I'm certainly not trying to suggest that you are or are not interacting with OWs in any way through the internet.* Merely, I was gesturing at the point that if this is the case, it is even more damaging.
As for the other bit, all I can tell you is that from watching these boards for many years, talking to many women, reading many womens posts in SSM, and my own experience in a SSM, the hesitant, asexual, desensitization approach to try to get a hot sex life is not going to work. Indeed, the more asexual it is, the more sibling-like things become, the less likely any kind of decent sex life will arise. The husband becomes like a brother who spends a lot of time in the bathroom with a magazine rather than a lover. The sad thing is, most guys who wind up in piecing seem to follow that approach. Few women I know find the "innocent and accidental side-of-the-breast swipe during a back rub" anything other than annoying. While guys who get their wives to tolerate it think they are making progress. The progress there is that you de-sexualize that action. Not really progress.
But please take none of this personally. I'm really simply trying to help doc see some of this a bit. I have no idea about your sitch. I've not looked at your thread. I based my comment on what you posted here. And I do think it is sad. It is sad to hear about two people struggling so much to find each other. It is sad to hear the pain between your words. It is sad to hear about your sexual lonliness. I am sorry to hear your pain. I am glad to hear you have hope. Only time will tell how your M heals and where it goes.
