Tricked into seperation

[lonelywolf]

I have been keeping a journal and saving all her e-mails. So I have the e-mail where she threatened to dissappear, and I have a record of my attempts to call on Sunday.

[LolaL]

That is a good thing. At some point, you will need to provide that information to an attorney, and she can very well "claim" that you have not tried. Keep specific records on ALL your attempts.

[lonelywolf]

Well, talked to the bishop last night.

It was not my idea he talk to her, it was his. He said he called her, introduced himself as the new guy, and said he just wanted to talk to her to see if there was any way he could help. She refused to talk to him. Her father did talk to the bishop, and gave him an earful about what a violent monster with mounds and mounds of debt who never really loved his kids or wife. (I admit to a slight temper, but I was never, ever even close to violent. And while I've misused credit cards in the past, I've paid them down by over 75% compared to a few years ago. Looks like the lawyer fees will wipe out all my gains, though).

Anyway, he got my side of the story, but he says he won't take sides (which he shouldn't, of course).

But I got a rather nasty e-mail from my wife telling me to never call the bishop again and to stop trying to attack her through her religious leaders. That has it exactly backwards, since I did not tell the bishop to talk to her - he was just trying to be a good shepherd to his flock.

I breifly replied, telling her I was not trying to get at her through the bishop, but at this point I doubt she believes anything I say. She's listening to her parents, and all they want to do is bring up and exaggerate everything I've ever done wrong.

[LolaL]

Ah yes, the tales of the WAW.

Unfortunately, she is surrounded by people who are backing her decision to leave.

At this point, the only thing you can do is let go, and realize that, for all intents and purposes, this relationship is done.

Now, that doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship in the future. But right now, your W is gone, and it does not look like she is going to change her mind anytime soon.

She will view any behavior right now from you as manipulative, so you need to not do anything. Be still and breath.

I would at least consult w/ an attorney as far as your children go. You do have the right to be in contact with them as they have nothing to do w/ the current sitch w/ your W. But as for divorce, wait on that one. If she wants it, let her do it. If you want it you can obviously file, but if you don't, let that be her call.

Again, this is a long road, and one that is not traveled often. It will be full of twists and turns. You can do this, but you have to be committed.

Also don't worry about falling off the wagon, just don't make a habit of it. Get back on, and start again.

[Lostforwords]

Wolf,

I am sure you have heard the term "enabler" before. Over the time I cruised these boards, a vast majority have an enabler somewhere. Usually the new divorced friend, sometimes the parents, or sometimes even the LBS. Even outside the context of divorce, enablers are viewed very negatively in almost all situations. Whether it is helping some one through a bad time (because they don't learn to do it themselves) or causing the bad times (You need to lose your spouse so I have a wingperson). The reality with most enablers is that the situation cannot be fixed until either the enabler is removed from the situation or the enabler ends the enabling actions. Some times it is easy such as giving a child too much help with math homework and learning to stop so they can struggle themselves. Other times it is hard such as working overtime week after week for an employer because the work wasn't done on time. In your situation, the parents represent almost vindictive enablers...I.E. The FIL gave the bishop an earful. That conversation should have ended when your wife said she didn't want to talk, instead Dad had to get involved. Listen to Lola...she is hitting it right on the nose. Until your wife ends the involvement of her parents in your relationship, there is no relationship. Focus on you and getting contact with your kids....let her drive the divorce if she wants, but be prepared for it.

[lonelywolf]

LolaL and LFW -

thanks. That's what I've basically realized - until her parents are out of the picture (which may happen - before this, they were enjoying their retirement by traveling the world - myabet they'll get sick of 4 young kids wearing their 60+ year old selves out and decide to head to Paris for a few months - well, a guy can hope).

I just need to try to be available for the kids and see what happens.

As much as possible, I'm going to save up money here, and hopefully sometime within the next year, I'll be able to relocate to AZ so I can be near the kids. I've already started applying for jobs there, though the soonest I could start would be January, and my PhD makes me overqualified or misqualified for the few available jobs in that area (though I will probably try and get a job near, but not in, the same town as where she is now. If I move too close, she may panic).

[lonelywolf]

Well, partial success. We'll see if it sticks -

she e-mailed me to let me know I could talk to the kids on the phone this Sunday. Though the e-mail was nasty, accusing me of harassment over the e-mails & phone calls I made last week trying to get ahold of the kids (the bishop actually told me that when her father described my "bad" behavior, he thought "that sounds like a father trying to get in contact with his kids, not an evil monster harassing a family" - clearly her and her parents have decided everything I do is done maliciously.

My guess is that they went to the attorney to demonstrate my bad behavior, and she told them they had to allow me contact with the kids. But I don't know for sure. She is sure acting like letting me talk to the kids on the phone (after three months of totally cutting off contact) is a huge favor to me and I'm really putting it upon her.

Her parents have so poisoned her mind against me - I reread some of the earlier e-mails, and they were hesitant, unsure, and vacillating about her decision. But about a month ago, they turned downright nasty and mean. She has no good memories anymore, and I can guess it comes from her parents constantly bad mouthing me. Heaven knows what it's doing to the kids.

I guess I'll see if it actually happens this Sunday, and how the kids sound.

[lonelywolf]

Well, I sobbed for an hour after it was over, but I did get to talk to two of my kids on the phone (the oldest, true to her nature, was acting all boogery and didn't want to talk - but she's like that a lot. She's never really talked to anyone on the phone).

It kills me that the second youngest is speaking in sentences now. He sounded so cute on the phone.

I did talk to her father on the phone a bit, and he "assured" me that this entire divorce was her idea and they didn't push her in that direction at all (though they're paying for the lawyer). I don't really believe him, but I'm sure they've convinced themselves they're doing the right thing and that they are blameless and its all my fault.

I have to realize my wife is gone. I don't know when I will see the kids next. It hurts almost more than I can bear. But I will just have to soldier on and make it through somehow.

[Lostforwords]

Wolf,

Sorry to hear how hard it is going...but realize that you did get to talk with your kids. That is a big positive at the moment and something you need to focus on.

Don't talk with your FIL or MIL at all about this! No discussion...for now they are the enemy and you know it. Corresponding with them will be viewed as pleading even if that is not your intent. Make a list of people that you cannot discuss this with...period. I would include MIL, FIL, and though I know the guy wants to help...the Bishop. Any conversation you have with them will be turned against you everytime....so find other places to vent...here or friends in Alaska, but not with those above.

So what have you done for yourself lately?

[lonelywolf]

Been out of town for the last two days on a job - no net access.

The thing I've been doing for myself is pouring myself into two things I've let slack off for the last few years. I've been practicing guitar (and performing) and working on finishing that novel I said I would write.

As for going out and having a good time at parties and the like - well, I'll warm up to that. I've been to a few church socials. There's not a whole lot to do up here that doesn't cost more money than I have (I would have liked to do a recent triathalon up here, but the entry fee was quite steep).

I'll go out more and more.

In other news, her FIL e-mailed me to let me know that he misspoke on the phone when he said it would be okay to visit the kids, even though I can't stay in their house. He told me it was only okay if I gave them plenty of advance notice and asked for permission.

I'm hoping a lawyer can use some of this. They've basically kidnapped my kids and are holding them for ransom. Sunday felt like those scenes in the movies where the kidnappers let the parents talk to the kids for a few moments, just to string them along.