I was here a lot (and I mean A LOT) 3 years ago when I found out my wife had been cheating on me for 3 years and had planned to divorce me, take our sons away (pre-teens at the time), and marry this guy. At the last minute, she stayed, and this site (and some of the members here) kept me from going off the deep end out of grief over the situation. This is a great site and helps so many people.

Unfortunately, while things initially looked promising in my situation 3 years ago, I find myself in almost the same boat. To my knowledge, my wife has been faithful during this time, hasn't contacted the other guy, and because of lies he told her, doesn't really want to have anything to do with him anyway.

After some intensive marriage counseling in Aug-Oct 2006, things were better than they'd really ever been. Still not great or where they needed to be, but we were in a place where it looked like that was a very real possibility for the first time since we'd been married.

However, shortly after Christmas 2006, my W was failing to do the things she'd committed to do ... namely, stop making independent decisions and work with me on anything major (job choices, kids, etc.). Fast forward to now: we've spent the last 2.5 years in the same old pattern of her doing her own thing and me being constantly angry and resentful.

During this time, as a result of my GAL from back when I was DBing pretty heavily, I got in pretty good shape, got a great job after working very hard for years to get there, and everything apart from the marriage couldn't be better. I'm in my 40s but everyone thinks I'm a thirtysomething (ha), and while I'm no ladies man, and don't try to be, I've met a lot of seemingly nice women in the course of work, kids sports, and such and generally feel good about myself.

I decided that I gave it a pretty good shot, remained in the marriage and accepted her back and spent 3 years, the same length of time as the affair, trying to make it work. But now we are almost as distant as we've ever been with all the additional problems that accompany that. I decided that I'd had enough, that being alone and not always missing what we could have was better than this, so I decided to begin preparations to move out and pursue a divorce.

I presented this to my wife, very calmly and considerately, and assured her that I wasn't going to surprise her or try to hurt her in this. That she was important in my life (as the mother of my kids) and our family and I would give til it hurt in order to insure that I didn't leave her in a dire situation. I make a nice living for one family although it won't support two households adequately, so she's looking for a full-time job and I'm pursuing extra employment to insure nobody suffers unnecessarily through this.

I also recommitted myself to refrain from punishing her with references to the past...something I did pretty good at initially, but backslid on when she started failing to live up to her promises. So the anger and hurt is being dealt with so she doesn't suffer for that, either. In exchange I've asked her to be honest about how she feels with the knowledge that since I've pretty well given up on the marriage anyway, I no longer want or need to make her pay for the hurt she caused me. And that is true. I just found that when I let the anger go...really let it go...there was nothing left.

So now, as a result of that, she's talking like she still wants me and wants a chance for us to stay together. My response to that was that the time for that has come and gone because I don't want to get on the rollercoaster again and be disappointed...something she's done to me time and again. I told her I will miss her and always love her...but there just wasn't enough good stuff left...and far too much bad...for this to ever be anything but a disappointment.

The funny thing is that she's kind of DBing now smile She asked that I remain at home long enough for her to find a new job and suggested that during that time maybe we could get to know each other again, but I've pretty much "been there, done that" and feel like I have already moved on mentally and emotionally even if I'm still there physically.

And to be clear...I haven't engaged in any other relationships and to this day have remained faithful to her, so there's not another woman I'm pursuing or who is the focus of my attention...but I do want to be with someone who wants to be with me, and the thought of that appeals to me more than staying with my wife. I'm not getting any younger smile

I just wonder if I give it another shot, yet again, if I'm just being used and manipulated, or if I owe it to her and my kids, because of my responsibility and commitment, to never quit even though I'm just miserable there now.