You are all so right. EB I will try not to beat myself up. It's hard when I know I did everything against the DB plan. I just lost it when he told me how much filing legal separation will cost.
STronger, you are right and I wish I could have been as strong as you. I wish I could have just said, ok when he went on the usual WAS tyrade - "I can't get over the past - 100% of our relationship was awful - it was all a delusion, there was never a real relationship - I'm not going to do this any more." He said if I don't sign Separation agreement he will file D papers and it will cost even more money. Obviously there are more rounds and I'll have more chances to sit calmly through this.
I know I can't change him, so why did I try? I know it won't work to convince him how much I'm changing so why did I get mad that he is ignoring the changes I'm making?
god I wish I had somehow I have to accept the separation without accepting it. It's so weird. I don't want it. But if I show that it gives him more power.
The more he asks for the legal separation and says he 99% sure nothing will change, the sadder I become remembering the good times. It's a real mind twist. I become this crazy person who can't remember the pain he put me through. I remember all our hopes and dreams and the birth of our child - and buying our house = and I have terrible nightmares of my child being permanently damaged by being raised in two households.
Ok, you're right. I have to stop thinking. I have to get through this shock and try to remember "Ignore 100% of what he says and 50% of what he does." I don't know how, but I have to let him walk away if that is what he wants. And with total calm! SIgh.
