Agreed, "re-inventing", not the way to go, learned that one first hand. Rather, finding yourself, who you were and incorporating what you've learned on this adventure and make your old self a better and improved version, the way to go.
Let's face it, M or a long term R for that matter, changes you, you mold yourself into a pattern that worked the other person involved, and now through the unfortunate circumstance, you find youself sitting out there trying to figure how to go on with life as this 'other' person you modified yourself into for a R that is no longer there.
Yes, that's a good insight. And it can be rather confusing when you also became a parent during that relationship--so much changes when one becomes a parent. The really ironic thing is that I was pretty sure--a few years before the bomb--that I had finally found myself, found my niche and what I was good at. That being a wife, mother, pastoral minister. I kinda thought I was doing rather well at all of those, and they were all very fulfilling. So it's difficult to figure out what was dysfunctional in me vs. what was dysfunctional in my marriage and my church/work environment--and how I fit into that dysfunction and contributed to it. I suspect I may need a little bit more time to get some perspective on that.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012