My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

Sigh. I suppose you're right. she's in there somewhere. I wasn't so much thinking of "changing" as much as excavating the authentic hoosiermama. in many ways, I've never been "alone," altho I have spent a lot of time on my own. First marriage came after a long, bizarre relationship which began in college. Relationship/marriage #2 began not too long after Divorce #1, altho both of those stopped and started quite a bit before they settled into marriage. And I know I need to be alone for awhile, and that's okay. It's a little bit complicated for me tho, I think, because I am ALONE--no family at all (and I've been all over the friend thing). Most mistakes I've made in my life (especially Marriage #1, and possibly Marriage #2) have been because of that discomfort--or panic?--about being isolated, having no connections. And I need to get past that and be comfortable with myself, find out who I am before I even consider being in a serious relationship again. It is indeed a blessing that the good professor is several states away and himself committed to non-commitment; it would be too easy for each of us to avoid doing the necessary grief-work by clinging too closely to each other. Add to that that we're both from alcoholic families-of-origin, and even more reason to maintain some distance. The support is wonderful, the synchronicity, the knowledge that someone out there cares a lot about me. Takes the edge off the isolation.

There are moments, tho... I woke up this morning wanting SO much to be wrapped around someone (well, not just anyone), to hold and be held. I mean, it's not like I miss it so much--it's been years and years, and even then it was a transient experience. I wasn't so much sad or lonely or hurting. Just wanted some skin-to-skin contact, some snuggling, to feel someone's warmth, breathe with their breathing, have the comfort of their scent. But honestly, until I figure out who I am when I'm not part of hoosiermama-and-beloved-but-unnamed-guy, I will disappear into a relationship as I have done before, and poison it with my resentment. Not to mention I need to make better choices in men, rather than seeking out someone who is only good at abandonment! Seems to be a pattern for me. The professor? Kind, devoted, considerate, unselfish, stuck it out in a not-so-great 24-year marriage (doesn't seem to be the abandonment type); and I've known him for almost 30 years (admittedly with a long break in the middle) and he's ALWAYS been kind. BUT--as much as I long for companionship, I have a lot to work out before I commit to ANYTHING.

Being somewhat stuck in not exactly knowing where it all began to deteriorate--so that I can learn how not to do it again--I think I'll pick up a copy of Passionate Marriage. It talks a lot about differentiation in intimacy--and that seems to be something I have problems with. I'm too willing to dissolve into a relationship, to disappear in order to make it work. Can anyone relate?!