What was the FULL title (pm)? and who wrote it?And how is this going to help? Wife will not read any self help books. She has issues not me but maybe if you could tell me a little about what it is about? Saffie sugjested Peace between the sheets but I could not get into it,,
mindfull, Thanks.. when I have a little time I will look for your thread. MIL called and I need to go unstop her potty
later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
No, you certainly have issues. PM will help you detach in a way that allows for real intimacy while respecting yourself and ensuring that you are in an R that works for you. Over self-sacrifice and martyrdom aren't good for any M. Nor is enmeshement and co-dependence.
She has issues not me but maybe if you could tell me a little about what it is about?
I'm only giving you a pass on that incredibly stupid comment because I see you have over 5,000 posts, and have been here since '07. If you think that she is the only one with issues after ALL of this time and effort, then you TRULY need to read that book! It's a welcome breath of understanding.
I'd really be interested in your input, believe it or not. Thank you for offering to go find me! It's called, "Livin' La Vida Limboland."
Good Luck w/the potty. We have that issue around here with so many BOYS!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
She has issues not me but maybe if you could tell me a little about what it is about?
I'm only giving you a pass on that incredibly stupid comment because I see you have over 5,000 posts, and have been here since '07.
Mindfull, It is one thing having "issues" and another thing doing something about them. Yes we all have issues. I have bought many books when I have a problem be it personal or something mechanical I try to fix it. As I have TRIED to do with my marriage. I have read: The way of the superior man Not just friends Love must be tough No more Mr. nice guy THE MAN’S GUIDE TO GREAT RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE Break-Up Busting 101: A Crash Course in Saving a Relationship Peace between the sheets Wife has read ZERO nada
Get my point? When you have a problem it will not just go away 5000 posts..? I have been at this way too long... EVERYONE... I still love my wife, I love my family... I do NOT want to lose my house...
This is not easy for me but I am tired of living like this and am willing to lose my house and wife if that is what it takes. Believe me I am hoping she wakes up soon. She is loosing me. I will go see if I can find this book tomorrow will make for some interesting reading while I am away…
BTW I will look at your thread. for some reason I can give better advise that follow it..LOL
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to you. Several things come to mind...
First, I agree - read PM! Warning: it is a difficult book to read, dense and complex - but also a very rewarding one. If you are like me (and I am guessing mindful too), you will find SO many examples in this book that will ring true - hey, that's me, that's exactly what I have been doing over the years to contribute to the R's problems....
The biggest take-away from the book for me was the idea of "loving detachment". This is a very powerful concept, and since reading the book I ALWAYS try to present the word "detachment" with the word "loving" in front of it. The key here is that "detachment" does not mean shutting down your emotions, feeling dead or empty or not caring inside. Instead, it means you can feel love and caring for the other person without being dependent upon them for approval and your own self-worth. When you can love them without DEMANDING that they love you back, and when you can want them without NEEDING them, then you are in the position to build a MUCH better and stronger relationship.
I agree with the folks who said to back off on the toys and the games. I understand that it's been a reeeeeeally long time - but it seems from what you've told us about your W, this approach is not going to "awaken her fun sexy side" - it's much more likely to send her scurrying into her hidey hole. Work instead on building up the intimacy and trust between the two of you. The rest will come.
When you talk about going out and having your own A, I immediately want to ask you one of the best guiding questions I used during DBing: Will doing this bring you closer to your ultimate goal (a healthy, strong, intimate R with your W), or will it push that goal farther away?
Hang in there - it's a long road, but you HAVE made some really good progress. Keep it up!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
This is from a day or two ago... I never finished it, decided not to post it, because I thought it too blunt, shall we say. But found it still open on my computer this morning. So, here you go... BUT FAIR WARNING -- it may be better off skipped.
-------- The reason I would hate the game ploy that is not because it is a sexual advance, but because it is such a wishy washy sexual advance that yet again puts the ball in her court. Recently, I tried to make very clear that I thought this a bad strategy, and I really don't think I can help you much more.
Quite simply, your sexual approach would not work for me. If my current H with whom I have a great sex life bought a sex game and gave it to me saying "you may want to look this over so that you know what you are in for tonight," that would be great.
If my XH in my SSM that I very much wanted to be NOT-SSM, had brought home such a game and said, "Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play," I would have cringed. For, I wanted him to take the leadership role, sexually, and to change the tone for what was ok/not ok, as psychologically, that would probably have been the only way for me to experience any sort of authentic sexuality in my XM. I simply could not be someone who might want sex toys, a little porn, some lingerie, and dirty sex in the context of that R. That was not "who I was" in that R and XH couldn't make space for me to be that person.
Your "Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play," comment is really just more of the same ol, same ol. Putting the ball in her court, testing her, and trying to make her put out for you to prove herself in some weird way. Even if you don't mean it like that, I really think that is what she is experiencing. It is still all about what her actions mean about your all important manhood. It is tedious. It is needy. It is sexually stifling.
I don't think flowers and foot rubs are going to get you much of anywhere. I have no idea if they'd hurt. But given you seem to resent putting out in that way without getting sex, the odds of such activities increasing your level of resentment seem high.
Lanzo's story is very sad. It sounds like sexual desensitization of his wife is leading to toleration, not passion. And his use of the internet (even worse if his W is not fully aware, and who knows if this involves OWs of some sort) to take care of himself is not the way to rebuild a healthy sex life that is part of a new vibrant M.
Detaching is good, and is required to really see and appreciate a person for who they are, rather than what he/she means about you. And when you have intimacy in which you are simply with the other person and your experience of him/her isn't all about you, that is when there is very, very deep intimacy.
Lanzo's story is very sad. It sounds like sexual desensitization of his wife is leading to toleration, not passion. And his use of the internet (even worse if his W is not fully aware, and who knows if this involves OWs of some sort) to take care of himself is not the way to rebuild a healthy sex life that is part of a new vibrant M.
I'm sorry but my story is not as "sad" as you may think the whole process here is called piecing and we all come here and bare our souls through the inaminaty (sorry if this isn't a real word)of the internet in the hope we can find the path to where we want to be. We all know things do not all happen at once for those that are trying, and we all try different ways and means to get there. Your post on the whole to Doc was very good but for you to suggest that I may be involved with an OW on the internet is bang out of order and I am deeply offended.
Sorry doc but I just thought I had to respond to OT on this piece.
