This is from a day or two ago... I never finished it, decided not to post it, because I thought it too blunt, shall we say. But found it still open on my computer this morning. So, here you go... BUT FAIR WARNING -- it may be better off skipped.
-------- The reason I would hate the game ploy that is not because it is a sexual advance, but because it is such a wishy washy sexual advance that yet again puts the ball in her court. Recently, I tried to make very clear that I thought this a bad strategy, and I really don't think I can help you much more.
Quite simply, your sexual approach would not work for me. If my current H with whom I have a great sex life bought a sex game and gave it to me saying "you may want to look this over so that you know what you are in for tonight," that would be great.
If my XH in my SSM that I very much wanted to be NOT-SSM, had brought home such a game and said, "Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play," I would have cringed. For, I wanted him to take the leadership role, sexually, and to change the tone for what was ok/not ok, as psychologically, that would probably have been the only way for me to experience any sort of authentic sexuality in my XM. I simply could not be someone who might want sex toys, a little porn, some lingerie, and dirty sex in the context of that R. That was not "who I was" in that R and XH couldn't make space for me to be that person.
Your "Here is a little “Ice breaker” for when I get back. Read the directions so you can teach me how to play," comment is really just more of the same ol, same ol. Putting the ball in her court, testing her, and trying to make her put out for you to prove herself in some weird way. Even if you don't mean it like that, I really think that is what she is experiencing. It is still all about what her actions mean about your all important manhood. It is tedious. It is needy. It is sexually stifling.
I don't think flowers and foot rubs are going to get you much of anywhere. I have no idea if they'd hurt. But given you seem to resent putting out in that way without getting sex, the odds of such activities increasing your level of resentment seem high.
Lanzo's story is very sad. It sounds like sexual desensitization of his wife is leading to toleration, not passion. And his use of the internet (even worse if his W is not fully aware, and who knows if this involves OWs of some sort) to take care of himself is not the way to rebuild a healthy sex life that is part of a new vibrant M.
Detaching is good, and is required to really see and appreciate a person for who they are, rather than what he/she means about you. And when you have intimacy in which you are simply with the other person and your experience of him/her isn't all about you, that is when there is very, very deep intimacy.
