The DB two step

[Rob1231]

Hi Doc,

Sorry it's taken me so long to respond to you. Several things come to mind...

First, I agree - read PM! Warning: it is a difficult book to read, dense and complex - but also a very rewarding one. If you are like me (and I am guessing mindful too), you will find SO many examples in this book that will ring true - hey, that's me, that's exactly what I have been doing over the years to contribute to the R's problems....

The biggest take-away from the book for me was the idea of "loving detachment". This is a very powerful concept, and since reading the book I ALWAYS try to present the word "detachment" with the word "loving" in front of it. The key here is that "detachment" does not mean shutting down your emotions, feeling dead or empty or not caring inside. Instead, it means you can feel love and caring for the other person without being dependent upon them for approval and your own self-worth. When you can love them without DEMANDING that they love you back, and when you can want them without NEEDING them, then you are in the position to build a MUCH better and stronger relationship.

I agree with the folks who said to back off on the toys and the games. I understand that it's been a reeeeeeally long time - but it seems from what you've told us about your W, this approach is not going to "awaken her fun sexy side" - it's much more likely to send her scurrying into her hidey hole. Work instead on building up the intimacy and trust between the two of you. The rest will come.

When you talk about going out and having your own A, I immediately want to ask you one of the best guiding questions I used during DBing: Will doing this bring you closer to your ultimate goal (a healthy, strong, intimate R with your W), or will it push that goal farther away?

Hang in there - it's a long road, but you HAVE made some really good progress. Keep it up!