Well guess I think this is the end of the road for me.
H and I really haven't been getting along. Its seems everyday we have an argument about something.
He is so critical of me and continues to badger me when I don't do something correctly. I can't take it I just can't take it.
He makes me physically ill.
I don't feel it necessary to post everytime we argue, but there have been many...
Everything that goes wrong with the business or otherwise is my fault, or he finds that its my fault somehow. I do nothing right.
We went to my mom's yesterday and of course on the way home he starts in with me about a conversation he had with her where he thought she lied to him about where my sister was going camping so he couldn't say "why didn't they asked us". I don't think my mom was lying, she could have been just to avoid confrontation with him. So he starts in with me about it.
I just said I really don't care enough about it to get involved. He has to analzye and pick apart every damn thing in our life. I can't stand it.
He does it to me and the kids. We don't have the money for him to even go to a therapist, even though he desperately needs it. Although at this juncture Im getting to the point where I don't care anymore, really.
Im so upset im shaking. I told him on the phone that Im tired of the badgering and him being so critical of me. That I do a lot for the business and take care of the kids and that he doesn't appreicate any of it and that I can't take it anymore, then I hung up.
What to do????? It seems that I am surrounded with people who don't treat me well, and unfortunately that does include my mother. Yes she was willing to take me in when I was thinking of leaving H, but it would have come with a price, and I would have never heard the end of it.. so it goes..
Im stuck, stuck with this life that I made for myself, and its my own fault for even letting it get this far. Im sorry that my kids have to hear his meanness and anger, im sorry for the mess i help create.
yes, maybe i am feeling sorry for myself, whatever, I don't care. Im just so tired. How can anyone possible live like this all the time. I just can't anymore.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
TAL, You are a beautiful and strong woman. You do not deserved to be treated like this. Does your H have somewhere he can go? I do think you need some time and space between you. You have tried so hard to make your marriage work. Who knows maybe there is still a chance, but right now I think you he both need breaks to assess the situation. I so wish I was close enough to help you out.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I wish there were somewhere for him to go..ummm I can think of a hot place right now.
I know I don't deserve it, i've known that for some time now, but there's little I can do about it.
He's called me a total of 6 times since I posted last. I didn't speak to him until the last call when he was nicey nice to me, again on again off again... wanted me to invoice someone.. no apology from before, nothing.
Im so emotionally drained, Only have one person I can really talk to and she has her own set of problems.
I wish you were close to yoyo, believe me I do.
Its gotten to the point I don't want him home, and when he is on one of his long trips I worry that he doing something he's not supposed to be.
uggg...
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I can't remember, F. Irish, do you belong to a church? COuld you reach out and talk to a pastor some evening to get some perspective on where to go from here?
I know this must be so draining for you. I hear so much of what I experienced in your words -- and the same time I recognize in your H the seething anger and frustration he too is going through.
You all have suffered so much stress. We can see it is taking its toll on each of you. You, Irish, have tons of patience, but even that can be depleted by these daily demands. And then when the two of you come together the friction makes it even worse.
I hear your pain, dear friend, in your words to us. It's understandable. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Words to help you through this painful time. Does one decide to separate or to muscle through to better times? What to do?
I do know that your H needs to get his head on straight. I've been saying that all along. I recognize myself (hopefully my old self, of the past) in his angry-at-the-world abrasiveness. I know that was the sin I made against my own M. I let my aggravations build up to the point that I would become bitter and take my angry silence out on my W. I carry that guilt. Your H sounds like he needs to talk to someone about depression and about anger management -- there is definitely something going on inside him that must be addressed, sooner or later.
I wish there was some resource near to you that could help each of you through this. Didi has asked about church-related services, is that an avenue either of you can look into?
Its gotten to the point I don't want him home, and when he is on one of his long trips I worry that he doing something he's not supposed to be.
Ugh- that statement made me feel so sick; I can remember feeling like that so badly. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))
I know this is stating the obvious, and not excusing your H's behaviour in any way, but money worries DO take an incredible toll on a R. It is such a shame that he can't afford to go to therapy to get help with these issues as your H is, in his stress, lashing out at the one person who can help him the most. Unfortunately it is the way of life that often we abuse those we are closest to, because we can.....and then we lose them.
Do you think there are financial worries he is not sharing with you? That he is carrying certain things by himself and this is adding to his stress?
You are very much in my thoughts at the moment.
Have you still got my email?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Nc~ Yes my patience with everything is about over. I welcome when he leaves to go to work or an estimate and dread when he comes home.
Its no way to live. I wish there were somewhere we could go, but I don't belong to any church and I can't afford a private therapist. I plan on calling my insurance company again today, to see if there is something they will actually pay for, at least for me.
I don't know what to do, that's the problem. having two little boys makes it that much harder.
I know you have struggled with some of the same issues he has, but there is one huge difference between the both of you, you recongnize the problem and your not that person anymore, he, doesn't think he has a problem, just everyone around him is stupid.
Journaling....
He came home early yesterday... kept my distance from him. I made dinner then after i went upstairs and puttered around. Didn't speak to him all night. He came up to bed for about 5 minutes, only to shut the tv back off and go down stairs to sleep. S3 came in the bed with me, which I welcomed
I had this dream last night, that I met someone, H wasn't in the picture, and I was at peace. It was weird, I felt so good and calm and there was no drama. Don't worry, I wouldn't cheat, it was just nice to feel whole again, and be happy, even if it was just a dream.
He left for an estimate this morning, but he has to be back because S6 has a dentist appt. So I won't really have to deal much with him until later.
I know that sounds terrible, but its much quieter and calmer hen he is not here.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
