Need Advice

[Eskimo Nell]

Hi Big John
Hope that you won't mind me snooping in but I just noted that you filed as a "defensive measure". I was wondering what your thoughts were, now that you have?

I do not want a D from my WAH but am considering that the law in Australia is too tough on me - just gives me a year and then a non-fault is granted - that's if H decides to go ahead with it - he hasn't mentioned it for such a long time but has said that he is not coming back.

If I go back to our home in the UK, I can file and name'n'shame him ... plus the process takes longer and, as he says he gets to be "financially disadvantaged" by the outcome. It's only a consideration at the moment, but wondered if you had any advice or whether you would take the same action again ... ??

Thanks for any comments that you can pass across!

[BigJohn]

Hi Big John
Hope that you won't mind me snooping in but I just noted that you filed as a "defensive measure". I was wondering what your thoughts were, now that you have?

Nell,

Snoop away, I don't mind at all!

Right now, my feeling is that my W really didn't give me a choice, so for the time being I'm not second guessing myself, although I do resent being forced to do so.

Too early to tell right now what the end result is going to be for my sitch. Sure sounds to me like if you have to file for D, do it in the UK.

Hang in there and good luck!

[hopingbeyondhope]

Thanks Coach, Phoenixdeux and BigJohn for the advice guys.
Well here's what's happened since I posted.

I gave in to my own desire and was intimate with my wife, but I felt like she was not really there. I felt sick thinking the same thing Phoenixdeux was saying. I thought this would somehow lead us back towards being together. I realize now that this is was a huge mistake. It actually sickens me to think that she was actually using me in this way.

b/w I confronted my wife about the EA the day I found (7/24/09)out and she refused to end the realtionship then. She has refused the whole time but I've been trying to be supportive and understanding and tried to be patient. When at one point she said she wanted to work on the M I asked her to end the E/A -
she wouldn't. I told her the very least she should tell the OM that she was working on us. Wouldn't even do that. Also the OW is in a realtionship with someone else -the other person has no clue. He's unemployed and living of of current woman. He's apparently had a hsitory of bad relationships - but can't point that out.

I reached the point where I told her that she should move out. Her parents on the other hand think that because I'm the man that I should be the one to leave. That this is best for the kids. My position is that she has not been the mother she used to be since this happended and is not really 'there' for them way she used to be. She goes out with her girlfriends doesn't come home til late, is preoccupied with him, etc. I don't think they really know all that's going on - but they have influence.

Oh and get this. When I told her I wanted her to move out. she told me that "Well, you won't get any more 'booty calls'"
I told her that I didn't care that I was not going to share her with someone else. That was Thursday. Ever since then she has been more hostile and bringing up things that were wrong with our M all along. I've been keeping up with the GAL. 180's and excercise - its awesome.

Now I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I care about saving the M. I think if she doesn't want to try why should I try so hard. It still feels like some really horrible dream that I can't wake up from.

[Phoenixdeux]

I think you did the right thing. It sounds like she was just using you anyway. Why not take the security you provide while enjoying the devil may care with the rest. You sound like you are handling it well. Continue to let her see how strong you are.

Is she now making plans to move out? That would be great if she did (and left the kids) so you will have established yourself as primary caregiver without a fight. This may be the impetus she needs to really look at what her life is becoming and turn this around.


The anger part is no big deal. It's not your fault she's mad...she's making her own bed and she has to lay in it.

[Deep]

Well to hijack Coach's analogy, your W probably knows deep inside that the lifeboat probably has a few major leaks too. If she loses the ship, she'll find out in a hurry.

I, like a lot of folks here, feel your pain ... your anger, and despair. Ask yourself honestly how much you want your M still, translate that into boundaries you can live with, and then communicate and enforce them.

But don't forget to be forgiving as well if the situation turns. I think forgiving is not a sign of weakness or backsliding necessarily.

[Bworl]

A big part of the success of boundaries is YOUR mindset and attitude.

If you are acting out of anger, or even PERCEIVED to be acting out of anger, you should expect anger and hostility back. Carrying yourself with dignity and confidence, all the while trying to maintain the love you have for this woman is quite the tightrope to walk. For that reason, I think establishing these unequivocal boundaries too soon can actually be counterproductive at times.

That being said, you have tolerated an ongoing affair for too long without some kind of response. Asking her to stop the relationship may sound like the nice way to do it, but sounds like it came across as weak and needy to her.

Consider that your wife, as Coach suggested, has been trying to straddle two worlds. She wants to play in the new sandbox, but she's not sure that it will turn out to be better than her current sandbox, so she's holding on to that one too. Telling her that you may possibly be shutting the door on your sandbox is naturally going to provoke a response from her.

We're tempted to do things to keep the peace. But it's a false peace. And it's really not a peace at all, because your spouse is actually causing massive destruction to your family through her actions.

What I see here is a man who needs to get himself grounded on a few facts.

1. Your wife is having an affair. One that you know about, and she does not care that you know about it.

2. EA's frequently turn to PA's, and then you will be sharing your private parts with HIS private parts when you choose to allow yourself to be her boy toy.

3. In your wife's current state, she is NOT going to make decisions like she used to, nor is she going to respond to logic that she used to respond to. You are not going to rationalize her out of this relationship. Save your breath and devote your time to something more beneficial.

4. You may well be faced with continuing a life without her. While I'm not suggesting that you force the issue on things like divorce, I am telling you that it's not too early to start thinking about how you want that life to look if she does choose to leave.

5. If she is not carrying out her parental responsibilites responsibly, you are the one who must fill in the gaps. And to that end, don't you DARE willingly leave that house. I almost made the same mistake with my ex. Thank God I realized before it was too late that her NEW lifestyle was NOT consistent with her being able to be a responsible parent to our son.


You can do this. But you have to get YOU under control first.

Your actions must carry your confidence and your integrity. They must be motivated out of what is true and right, not out of pettiness or anger. Your wife must see in you someone who's character cannot be called into question.


Blessings,

Bill

[sandi2]

Husband73, there are two main things you must realize with a WAW. First, she does not respect you as a man or as her H. Second, she does not find you attractive as a man. Doesn't matter that she is wanting sex.....the reason has already be established. You have much to learn about this woman and you must realize that the girl you M is gone.

What you are feeling is probably temporary due to all the frustration and you will find your love for her and your desire to work on the M is as strong as it ever was. Seldom does one "get over" a MR this easily. So, it will be a rollercoaster unless you can do as bworl said and get control of you....first and foremost.

I doubt she is going to leave the house easily and especially give up her children. Some women do leave their children if they have to choose between that and OM. Don't drive yourself crazy in trying to determine what there is about the OM that your W would choose over you. It doesn't have much to do with what she is doing. This is all about "her" and little to do with the OP. It is how OM makes her feel about herself and if it was not this particular man, it could be another one just as easily.

I was a WAW (without actually walking) but the walk away is in the heart. I had no idea about the false "in love" feelings that my brain was producing until I came here and discovered that information. Even after I was given the information, it took a long time before I could think about letting go of my OM b/c I was addicted to the "feelings" that I was experiencing. Your W is addicted to this EA as much as any drug you could give her. I believe in tough love in these cases. If my H ha "asked" me to stop my EA, I would have ignored him and lauged at him behind his back! Remember, she has no respect for you. You canot be "patient" with a person in an EA b/c they will continue to have the EA and will probably go to a PA if you are all softy and weak. Your testing will probably be in the area of intimacy b/c she apparently has a HD and wants to have sex offten. Can you turn that down? May be more difficult than you thought. Be prepared for her to have a few 180's of her own!

A person usually wants what they can't have. Your W thinks she can have this EA/OM and "you" anytime she decides. That means she needs to see that she "can't" have you. She needs to see that you aren't interested in her and you are a hard man to catch. She needs to realize she would be nuts to leave a man like you for "any other" man. So......what can you do to get her to see this? For one thing, stop talking about the R. Cut that emotional rope you have tied to her so she'll stop seeing how she controls you. Start living as if you have no intentions of staying M. That's not to say that you should run out and file for a D, but I'm saying that your actions need to give this woman a message that you will be single and "available" to other women. Is she sure that she wants to give you up??? Okay, I'll check back later. Continue to exercise and take good care of yourself. Always look good, smell good, and act so charming that the flowers spring up when you walk by.