UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Journaling for the second time today, as the last one got lost!

Dark Day Nine
Woke up feeling sick. Not interview nervous sick, just plain sick in my stomach - I've really had more than my fill, enough already - type sick. Think that I was dreaming H had returned home and I got that good old pull on the solar plexus that brought me to concious life from my dream world. "Right, I've had more than enough - he needs to get home now". It's become my mantra, instead of the PMA stuff that I should be reciting.

I'm just at that stage where I don't think that I am getting anywhere and to give up now and LRT him would be a final execution of the rot that is starting to fester within me on a grand scale. All he has to say is "I'm coming home" and I would be back to normal - only the new me that I have found recently, would be here to stay - with my H - we could be a family again ... three little words to change someone's life around ... not much to ask, is it??

My interview, I think, was a bit of a formality. They asked me one question and I was in there for 10 minutes - the most lax interview I have had in many a day. It all sounded like they were ready to offer me the temp post but who knows?? Let the agent figure it out - I have bigger fish to fry. Oh - they have just rung for my references so it's not looking bad! With this kind of news ordinarily, I would now be on the phone to H and he would be saying "well done - fingers crossed now for the next phone call" .... that's what he would be saying if only I could call him.

Came home from my interview and took to the gardens for some physical workout again. The back lawn got some soil wetter granules whilst the front and side lawns were treated to weed'n'feed and then the grass trees had the hair cut that they have been waiting for over the last two years .. both look like pineapples on speed now! As our retic ban is still on, I hand watered the gardens too - that was a BIG job and now my back aches. I'm physically tired ... my hands are aching, I've got 'secater finger' and I just want to fall down to my knees and cry.

Why am I having to do all of this stuff alone whilst H is probably gearing up for a fun weekend of ... well, whatever it is he's got planned. No responsibilities, no house, no pets and no wife to have to deal with ... oh, I really could be very sick. Why can't I cry??? I need to ... oh, so very much. He's getting off scott free and I can't go on like this for much longer. I really am at breaking point.