How do I break the cycle and get off the merrygoround?
You know what to do, but you don't seem ready for it. Okay .... I'm going to go for the 2x4 here. I get the impression that you are still hanging on to the old H and hoping he'll come back. The present H is nice to you sometimes (usually when he thinks there's a possibility of your kicking him to the curb at last, IMHO), but mostly ignores you, and does his own thing, not to mention sleeping on the couch. You have no idea where he goes most of the time or if he's keeping a second place and just sleeping at yours to keep ownership. And, for you, it is nice to have the odd bit of help, and the occasional back rub (as rare as those are).
You have been on the merry-go-round for 5 years. If you want to stop it, you're going to have to get off of it and let him continue on with this madness on his own. I get the impression that he knows what he's doing to you, but chooses to allow you this hurt.
At this point, I think you should check your legal rights (if you haven't already) and start the D proceedings. Time ain't stopping for you or anyone else so I would get my life moving on if I were you.
You know I say all this will love, doncha!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Powerful post Being Me. I love WCW. She has supported me throughout; hugged me when needed; crushed my cajones when needed too. It comes down to what we talked about WCW: what makes you happy? Do you enjoy living in limbo? Are you still afraid of the choice to file? FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
an2, I do anything in a western saddle. My mare has won a ton of local area awards but I've never gone for anything national. I've decided she deserves a national title....so we're on the road to hit the shows!
kat, gotta love the dogs! A couple Sundays ago H and I were talking after I got home from a show. We ended spending a couple hours together giving Dear Old Dog a bath and grooming. There's a first for us!
BM, that's not a 2x4, that's just calling it the way you see it. You see it pretty correct. Except you didn't mention anything about the changes there have been from H and you focused on what's wrong and none of what's right.
If I was to file based on all the wrongs H has done I should have done that long ago. It's still possible that I will tire of waiting and counting baby steps, but it is my choice of when or if I follow that well worn trail.
I have been pressing H for more - more answers, more talk, more financial answers, more socializing, more help. I said some pretty ugly things one night when more financial crap set me off. Sometimes he shuts down, sometimes he is more receptive. He says he has no plan. He says his only plan is nothing different. Someone posted to me long ago that I need to show or tell H what I want, not expect that he should know. I am doing more of that, and you can make a safe bet that H does not like it when I point out how he treats me different. Then he makes a slight change. Our whole time together has always been that my idea is at first rejected and then after time it becomes his idea and then it's a good idea!
FIB, thanks, that was very sweet! Do I enjoy limbo? heck no! but define limbo for me? I know H isn't going anywhere. I know he's more involved here this year than previous years. I know he holds grudges inside for a long time and he thinks I did horrible things to him when I first learned of ow. (no regrets by me for anything I did!) Is this still limbo as it was or do I have a direction but need more clarity?
Am I afraid to file? I don't think I am afraid. The word dread seems more appropriate and I don't want to drive the D wagon.
Something about me really bugs me. I hate how my body looks. I saw myself in videos when we took horses to a birthday party and gave rides. I can't believe that is me! I don't feel that fat! I can't be that obese! but the pictures don't lie. Yet it seems like the only time I can diet is in between meals.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, no one is trying to rush you. You and only you have to live with your decisions.
Believe it or not I recently lost someone who I thought was a very good friend. Seems she does not feel I am moving along quickly enough with my D. She feels I should have been done with H the minute I found out about the A. She feels.... blah blah, I finally had to admit to myself that she does not have my best interests in mind. sorry there I go off on a tangent, oops
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Yes, I am calling it as I see it. Lookit, we can only perceive from our very limited vision here on the bb. You appear to defend your H's trifling improvements, but I see a dear friend (allbeit a virtual one) frittling away her life on a man who doesn't seem to care that much. If he did, he would man up and do the right thing, and have done that a long time ago. From my perception, your H makes baby steps, then retreats. He's been doing this for a long time. This is like a see-saw (since we like playground analogies 'round here) ... up 'n down, up 'n down!
I don't mention the good because they are so limited. And he is still not "home". All those li'l baby steps have gotten him nowhere near it or so it seems, IMHO.
I surely don't expect you to take my advice. I only give it out for you to maybe see what I see (again, limited to what you say on the bb), a different point of view. We sometimes get ourselves into a rut, and need a prod to get out of it before we get used to it. Perhaps, if he was presented with the reality of S and D, he might get his head out of his b*tt. But then maybe he won't. Depends on what you're willing to risk. Have you gotten so used to this rut, that you won't risk it to get free from it?
From the pics I've seen, you look dash-darned fine to me, and you are so pretty. I envy your hair. You must have strong core muscles from all the riding you do.
Anyway, from my experience, life does not slow down for anyone to wait for spouses to sort themselves out. It shoves you relentlessly from behind, and you gotta live it or it will live you.
Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Anyway, from my experience, life does not slow down for anyone to wait for spouses to sort themselves out. It shoves you relentlessly from behind, and you gotta live it or it will live you.
I am still learning this lesson, but getting there.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
limbo 1 Noun pl -bos 1. (often cap) RC Church (formerly) the supposed region intermediate between heaven and hell for the unbaptized 2. in limbo not knowing the result or next stage of something and powerless to influence it [Medieval Latin in limbo on the border (of hell)]
WCW....all I know is that you are NOT happy in the relationship. It does not fulfill you. Your LL's are not being filled. You yearn for this man to love you...to ML to you...yet....it doesn't happen.
Will you wake up one day and look at that 2005 year registration and regret having met someone who WILL love you the way you are? It's been a LONG TIME for you. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
BM and FIB, did you get a new mission from the Starship? Your mission, if you choose to accept it, talk WCW into filing for a D. Do ya get a bonus upon completion?
In all seriousness, I guess I am pretty dense to not see what you see about me. You are focusing on just the unnormal R with H and not the whole picture. I am not living my whole life in limbo, although the portion that includes H is certainly not what I'd like it to be. Exclude that part and I've felt pretty good about most of the rest of it. Even the part with H has improved relative to what it used to be. I won't detail all the good parts because if you know me good enough to encourage me to file then you should already know the parts of my life that I love so much and make me happy.
You're all thinking I am a doormat while I've been thinking of myself as the rock.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I've never thought you a doormat, WCW ... if I had, I woulda said so! Rather, you are stalwart and courageous, and I wondered if it was time for a shake-up (something you said just made me think that). But, only you can say when that will be necessary or needed. I am just giving you ideas, points of view, and now I will back away slowly.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Rather, you are stalwart and courageous, and I wondered if it was time for a shake-up (something you said just made me think that). But, only you can say when that will be necessary or needed. I am just giving you ideas, points of view, and now I will back away slowly.