H with 1foot out the door...LONG

[ginab1966]

Ok so this is getting hard. I really thought we were at piecing because he said he wanted to try and he's not trying. He walks around this house like he lost his best friend. The first week, he did great and day by day it's just getting worse. Like he's living in hell. He lays down at 8pm and just barely speaks to me. I want so much to say something to him but I know that I can't. If he doesn't want to talk I'm not supposed to make him, right? I'm just supposed to be all happy and GAL and stuff. Well, I have a kid that I need to be there for so it's not like I can just go out and have some fun. We're going to an amusement park Saturday and Sunday a local fair. The first, we were invited to go, the other I mentioned ot him and he thought it would be good to bring our D. He asked me how my day was and stuff and we ate dinner and made pleasant conversation. On FB someone asked how he was and he said "I've been better but I'm ok". It's just so difficult to be with someone that so clearly is using all he has just to be in the same airspace with you. Oh no. I'm crying now. [censored]!! This just hurts so much. Ok, I have to get myself together. God, let me get it together. I love him so much and it's just so hard not to feel any of that love back and just the opposite...there's no emotion at all. How can he really say that he's trying. I know that I can't bring anything up to him or he's going to say "I'm doing the best I can. I just don't feel anything for you" But two weeks ago he's texting "I love you" to me. See, I'm on the ride....he takes me there (no, I go there..he doesn't make me..I allow it) every single time. Please tell me how I handle this? I almost want to say to him "If it's so hard for you to freakin' live here and try to make a marriage work...then LEAVE." But I won't. He's here and if he's here there's a chance and we're going to Retro in two weeks and maybet that will help. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment and not project but this moment is so painful that I want to just not be in it. How is this going to work if he doesn't want it to work? Why did he say he would try, try for a week and then just shut down? Why? How am I ever going to get us back to where we were? I would do more 180's like go out, do things but I can't cuz I can't afford a babysitter. What 180's can I do? He doens't want to be smothered so I don't touch him, he doesn't want to talk, I leave him alone. He would assume that I'd be acting clingy and begging and probing, I'm happy and putter around the house getting stuff done. I go to CoDA meetings. What more can I do? What kind of 180 would get his attention? I really need someone to throw me a lifeline and help me hang on. It's really rough...really.

Thanks...G