Have a great night. I know I have probably said way too much, but I will share one more thing and then you will have to figure out the rest on your own. Many years ago, many many years ago, I too went through I guess what would be called a life transition. Did some stuff that hurt people, stuff I am not proud of. Yes I, in many ways, had no control over what I was doing. I knew it was hurting others, I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't stop. I didn't understand why I was doing the things I did, I just was compelled to do them because it was the only way to keep myself going at all. I was in a very bad place. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve the people who were in my life. Did I have the guts to just say, I'm not good enough for you? No. I blamed, I ignored, I hurt people. I gave the ILYBNILWY speech. It was not my fault. But really, it was. It was just something inside of me that I had to fix myself. Did it last for me for years? No. For me it was about 6 months or so but the damage was the same. I have spent years and years trying to make up for that time. So what goes around comes around. Although it sure seems to keep coming around in my case. LOL. No, I am not responsible for H's stuff. I am maybe responsible for not recognizing he didn't finish the last time and if I had been stronger then, I could have done what I'm doing now, but again hindsight is 20/20. That is one of his reasons for all of this. Of course that didn't come with bomb 1, but bomb 2 (so it took him an extra year to decide that that still bugged him). It was just something he had to throw out at me because I really was not doing anything major wrong. But.....
So what have I learned lately? I have learned that I have a teenage S. I have a teenage/adult H. I am too serious and I want to be a teenager too. So that is what I'm doing. Not literally, but I am letting myself have a whole bunch of fun again. Not everything has to be so super serious. There is a line between responsible and too responsible. I have found it I think. I am not trying to fix H anymore (although the urge is there.) I am letting him figure out what it is like to be responsible for things that I usually took care of. Things he will have to take care of if he lives alone. Just like I am with my S. Really wierd but sort of liberating. And a whole new approach. And it has actually been fun, minus my really bad Saturday.
So that is what I'm doing. I look like I did at 17 again, why shouldn't I act like it a little. Just a little.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
