Venting thread for HD Wives

[Cathy47]

Now would somebody be so kind enough as to tell me how to achieve that level of communication with your spouse especially since this lack of intimacy has already become such a highly sensitive issue. I would be most grateful.

My therapist said something to me resently that made me look at it from another perspective. We all see things from our own reality. We think if we feel this way or that way then so does the other person. Take my ex for instance. He has not see nor heard his children's voices in nearly 6 months. From my reality the man would have to be in a lot of pain to withdraw from his own children. That is what I tell my children...have patience with him, show compassion because something is wrong or he wouldn't withdraw the way he has. That is my reality...as a parent there would have to be something terribly wrong for me to withdraw from my own children. My son got an email from his father recently that showed my ex's reality. He told his son that he neither wanted, needed or expected anything from him. In other words the kid is just not an important part of his life any longer. He refuses counseling with his sons, refuses to discuss their feelings and the importance of the relationship with them. Why? Because it isn't important to him and he feels no need from his point of view to put work into something that isn't important to him.

Now during the marriage sex wasn't important to him. He sat me down once and told me that he had wondered all his adult life what the big deal was. That he had heard guys go on and on about sex and never really understood what the big deal was. He told me it was his problem and nothing to do with me at all. He didn't tell me that he was sorry that it was painful for me or that he would do whatever it took to try and fix the problems it caused me and the relationship. It was something that was not important to him so he saw no reason to put any work into it.

Thats the reality of the issue. That is why you don't get the kind of communication you feel you need to help your hurt feelings. It's because the focus for them is on what is important as far as they are concerned and sex is not that important.

You and I and all the people who post on these boards are different. In our reality when you love someone you put forth effort into soothing their feelings. If that means making adjustments in some of our behaviors then we make those adjustments. Some of us here have spouses or had spouses that don't see it that way.

To my ex loving me didn't mean he should have to make adjustments in anyway. He was who he was and that was it. If his actions hurt others then they could get over it. I, on the other hand married him, gave my life up completely to follow him in his military career, gave up sex, gave up the foods I like to eat, gave up the social activities I enjoyed for those he enjoyed. I turned my life completely upside down and sacrificed so many things so that I could be with him. I ask him once if someone offered me a job making twice his income would he quit his to follow me around the world. No he said, I wouldn't give up whats important o me to do that.

I can't think of a single adjustment the man made for me over the years other than sign a marriage certificate. His life, how he lived his life and what he wanted out of life didn't change a bit once we married. His life, how he lived it and what he wanted out of it didn't change after he left. He moved on and found someone else to attach himself to and hopefully she won't be someone who ever expects him to make adjustments for her.

It's just not important enough to them for them to ever even think of a conversation like that. It wouldn't occur to them. It's not that they are guilt ridden or ashamed of their lack of desire. It's just not important so why put anyt thought or effort into it. Now, give them a problem to solve that is important to them and watch them go to work finding a solution. It will make your head spin. It will make you wonder why you aren't important enough.

The value of something in our lives is what motivates us to change so that we can maintain that something in our lives. I'm sure my ex husband placed a very high value on his relationship with me. There were certain aspects of his relationship with me that were very important to him. If any of those aspects had been threatened I'm sure he would have worked his butt off to fix it. Only because it was something he placed importance on though.

Sex wasn't important and it was just one more area where he thought I should be the one to make the adjustment. They don't get it because it means nothing to them. They can't empathize with our pain over it because the loss of it does not cause them pain. All they want is for us to shut up and leave them alone to deal with the important stuff.
Cathy

[NOPkins]

Hi, Rose

You said;
----------------------
With the med I'm on, a decrease in sex drive is not one of the side-effects, so that leaves repeated rejection.
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Any drug that messes with serotonin levels or plays with your blood pressure, can and will mess with your sex drive.

If you are a guy with an abundance of testosterone coursing through your veins, then you might not notice. I would venture to guess that a female would see a difference more quickly.

All that said, I don't mean to diminish the effect of rejection on your desire or willingness, rather just to inform.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[GraniteRose]

Any drug that messes with serotonin levels or plays with your blood pressure, can and will mess with your sex drive.

Hey NO, yes . . . you are right. It would have to the serotonin, though, as I've been on BP meds for about 8 yrs and I never noticed any lowering of the drive.

All that said, I don't mean to diminish the effect of rejection on your desire or willingness, rather just to inform.

Nor was your post taken to mean that. I will say that I do feel better all around: physically, mentally and emotionally. It struck as ironic, though, that level of desire now apparently matches that of my H. And here he's trying to increase his!!

As this morning as gone on and I've had time to think about H and his 'bullseye' I find myself looking forward to tonight more. I even printed out a red heart, wrote "Oooo, baby." on it and tied it to the dart. Thinking about it and letting the anticipation build is definitely a *good* thing.

Barbara

[COgal]

GR,

Hope your weekend is going well. My H is also working all weekend, as he has for the past 3 weekends. The kids are gone again, and I'm just hanging out by myself...not a bad thing.

I also have high blood pressure (on medication for about the last 5 years), but since I'm the HD in our marriage I don't think that is impacting my sex drive. Getting upset over the frequency of sex is more likely to drive the blood pressure up!

I understand how you're feeling about the "dart" and hope he followed thru with his intentions. In my case, my H always promises to make more of an effort but never seems able to do so. It's kind of like the boy who cried wolf; I just get to the point where I don't believe my H will make an effort at all.

I can never get my H to understand that when I'm feeling kind of low or have had a rough day at work, or can't sleep, sex is EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. It's the best way in the world to put aside my worries AND just relax 100%.

[GraniteRose]

GR,Hope your weekend is going well. My H is also working all weekend, as he has for the past 3 weekends. The kids are gone again, and I'm just hanging out by myself...not a bad thing.

CO:
Well, I had a wonderful weekend. I took Friday off work, went to a the Nature Center here and took a Nature hike. It was an absolutely beautiful Michigan autumn day. The rest of the day I did things *I* wanted to do and had a great time. Friday night we went out and played pool and darts and had a good time later.

Saturday was another beautiful day and I went tailgating before my alma mater's homecomeing game with my girlfriend and her H. My H joined us just after halftime to watch our team lose. After, H took me out for supper. Sunday was another beautiful day. In the a.m. we worked around the house and then took the motorcycle out for a nice long ride. Played a couple games of darts and watched the MLB playoffs (**GO CUBS**)

All in all, it was a wonderful 3 days and I'm glad we had time together as I have to leave this Saturday for 2 weeks back East on business. The med I'm on has kicked in, I feel really good. The only unexpected side effect has been the decrease in my libido. I find it really doesn't matter to me if I have sex or not. I haven't told H yet about it, but I'm sure it's going to come up later this week when I see my doctor and we both see the C.

Ah, well . . . have a good Monday.
Barbara

[COgal]

Glad you had a good weekend. I ended up calling in today, which is something I'll regret later this week because we're in a tight release schedule at work. After repairing my makeup 4 times, I just gave up. We had the fight this morning, and it's just getting harder for me to deal with the whole mess. I probably could have gone to work if I'd had some industrial-strength concealer on hand:(

My H's dad and brother drove here for the football game yesterday (they're about 2 hrs from us). They called and asked us to meet them afterwards for dinner. Then they called to say that the brakes on his brother's car weren't working well, and they might be coming to our house after the game instead. His brother told us weeks ago when we were down visiting that he needed brakes for the car. He has another car that he could have driven, and his dad also has a car. Anyway, my H said he probably was going to have to drive them home - about a 4 hr. trip for him after 7:00 p.m. AND after working 7 days a week for the last several weeks. Plus, he cannot afford the extra gas or extra mileage right now. They ended up driving back home after the game but left us hanging as to whether we were meeting them or they were coming here. I thought the whole thing was a little inconsiderate.

He later gave my daughter a ride to a friend's house, and I asked him to pick up something for me on his way back. He told me that he would miss part of the hockey game; he wouldn't have because it was between periods and right on his way. Ok, I probably shouldn't have said anything...I pointed out that he would have missed most, if not all, of the game if we'd met his brother and dad for dinner AND he certainly would have missed it if he drove them home. He accused me of being jealous of him possibly driving his brother and dad home.

My only point was that it was wrong for him to be even put into that potential situation. It does hurt me that he will do anything for anyone BUT nothing for our situation. I can't help feeling that way, maybe it's just a part of this whole thing...he didn't even have a lousy 15 minutes for US this entire weekend.

[GraniteRose]

I can't help feeling that way, maybe it's just a part of this whole thing...he didn't even have a lousy 15 minutes for US this entire weekend.

CO:

I'm so sorry you had such a lousy weekend. I wish you were having better luck with your sitch as I am.

Our differing sex drives aside, my H & I get along so well. He doesn't hesitate to run an errand, etc., even after working all day. When I do something for him, he'll say, "You're so good to me." and I'll reply, "It's easy." And it is. I don't mind running out of my way for him or going the extra mile (so to speak). Luckily, he does the same for me.

I know you say you have arguments about this. Have you and your H ever thought about taking to a counselor? Is H against this? Have you read SSM? There's some good tips in there.

Barbara

[COgal]

Yes, he's read the book. I see us in another year in many of the stories in the book; he doesn't see that it has anything to do with our situation. He's trying BUT not doing anything. We don't have sex because "I" don't do anything about it. WE had sex 3 times last week...funny, I was only there for 1 time:( He's willing to do the counseling BUT I'm out of gas on this whole situation.

I'm ready to call it quits at this point.

[gd1]

Dear luvhubby,
My advice: listen to Cathy47. I was in counseling and was told that for years I made excuses for my husband (and yep, they started during pregnancy when he said: i can't handle the weight)
"making excuses' for his hurtful behavior led him to continue the hurtful behavior and EXPECT that I would put up with it. (Sort of Cathy's son's 'letting him walk all over you' explanation)
There is a trick and i'm afraid I didn't learn it in time. Somehow, your h has to be accountable for his actions at the same time you have to be accountable for yours. And if there is enough love left, and I believe there is in your case, a good couselor can help you guys see that BOTH of you need to change in order to get the most out of your marriage. I think we position ourselves into these corners and we can't seem to find a way to talk about what is really going on in our own heads. So we continue to hurt amd also cause hurt.
Re narcissism: yep I do think there is a lot of that out there. It is self centeredness to extreme. And I also beleive that more men are this way than women, tho I will probably be hammered for saying that. Women learn sooner how to nurture. Men often need taught by their wives and children, while most women learn it when they are children themselves. Your H can't love you like he loved his mummy, he needs to love you as a woman and partner. It's difficult for some men to grasp.
Oh well, good luck and hugs from someone whose been there, done that. gd

[luvhubby]

Hi Gd,

Thanks for your input. It is amazing isn't it how many marriages are out there with a problem in differing libidos. This either often leads to other problems or is the result of an underlying problem. How one handles it can make or break the marriage.

I for one think that it is inexcusable when a spouse becomes low libido due to pressures of life, work, children etc. In this case then I think it is the responsibility of the low libido spouse to at least meet the HD one half way. However when the LD is a result of illness or medical problems, be it depression or hormonal or menopause then the HD one should try to come down to the LD level. After all we married in sickness or in health. Sure it is easy to say if you love me, you should try to solve the problem like take supplements or medication (usually this means more medication in addition to whats being taken for the other medical problem) but this is so much easier said than done.

In my Hs case, he has been on serotonin altering meds for panic attack for a number of years now. I know this is really hard for him, having to be on meds. He is constantly worried that his work will be affected by his panic attack. I do worry about him and sympathise with him of course but I am not the one with the panic attack so I cannot know how he feels exactly and I cannot make it any easier for him. His stress in this area has been greatly increased ever since he became a father and I stopped working to look after our daughter. Under such circumstances I suppose sex would be the last thing on his mind. I do regret having pressured him on that before as now it has left a not so nice memory in our time together. This board has helped me deal with my own feelings about feeling unloved, undesirable etc and that on its own has helped tremendously.

I don't feel angry at him for the things that he said. Its been said in frustration. My H seldom raises his voice at me. He is usually smiling and optimistic. His only complain about me is that I complain all the time. So thats an area I've got to work on. Also, I am the one who usually has the communication problem. The only communication I know how to do is either to yell or cry, still got a long way to go to change myself in that area. As for our libido differences, the doctor ordered no sex due to a low lying placenta so don't have to think of that one for some time! (Not an avoidance of the issue but very timely. Bet my H was happy to hear the no sex part. Ok thats being nasty so I'll stop here)

All the best to you too.
LH