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Now would somebody be so kind enough as to tell me how to achieve that level of communication with your spouse especially since this lack of intimacy has already become such a highly sensitive issue. I would be most grateful.



My therapist said something to me resently that made me look at it from another perspective. We all see things from our own reality. We think if we feel this way or that way then so does the other person. Take my ex for instance. He has not see nor heard his children's voices in nearly 6 months. From my reality the man would have to be in a lot of pain to withdraw from his own children. That is what I tell my children...have patience with him, show compassion because something is wrong or he wouldn't withdraw the way he has. That is my reality...as a parent there would have to be something terribly wrong for me to withdraw from my own children. My son got an email from his father recently that showed my ex's reality. He told his son that he neither wanted, needed or expected anything from him. In other words the kid is just not an important part of his life any longer. He refuses counseling with his sons, refuses to discuss their feelings and the importance of the relationship with them. Why? Because it isn't important to him and he feels no need from his point of view to put work into something that isn't important to him.

Now during the marriage sex wasn't important to him. He sat me down once and told me that he had wondered all his adult life what the big deal was. That he had heard guys go on and on about sex and never really understood what the big deal was. He told me it was his problem and nothing to do with me at all. He didn't tell me that he was sorry that it was painful for me or that he would do whatever it took to try and fix the problems it caused me and the relationship. It was something that was not important to him so he saw no reason to put any work into it.

Thats the reality of the issue. That is why you don't get the kind of communication you feel you need to help your hurt feelings. It's because the focus for them is on what is important as far as they are concerned and sex is not that important.

You and I and all the people who post on these boards are different. In our reality when you love someone you put forth effort into soothing their feelings. If that means making adjustments in some of our behaviors then we make those adjustments. Some of us here have spouses or had spouses that don't see it that way.

To my ex loving me didn't mean he should have to make adjustments in anyway. He was who he was and that was it. If his actions hurt others then they could get over it. I, on the other hand married him, gave my life up completely to follow him in his military career, gave up sex, gave up the foods I like to eat, gave up the social activities I enjoyed for those he enjoyed. I turned my life completely upside down and sacrificed so many things so that I could be with him. I ask him once if someone offered me a job making twice his income would he quit his to follow me around the world. No he said, I wouldn't give up whats important o me to do that.

I can't think of a single adjustment the man made for me over the years other than sign a marriage certificate. His life, how he lived his life and what he wanted out of life didn't change a bit once we married. His life, how he lived it and what he wanted out of it didn't change after he left. He moved on and found someone else to attach himself to and hopefully she won't be someone who ever expects him to make adjustments for her.

It's just not important enough to them for them to ever even think of a conversation like that. It wouldn't occur to them. It's not that they are guilt ridden or ashamed of their lack of desire. It's just not important so why put anyt thought or effort into it. Now, give them a problem to solve that is important to them and watch them go to work finding a solution. It will make your head spin. It will make you wonder why you aren't important enough.

The value of something in our lives is what motivates us to change so that we can maintain that something in our lives. I'm sure my ex husband placed a very high value on his relationship with me. There were certain aspects of his relationship with me that were very important to him. If any of those aspects had been threatened I'm sure he would have worked his butt off to fix it. Only because it was something he placed importance on though.

Sex wasn't important and it was just one more area where he thought I should be the one to make the adjustment. They don't get it because it means nothing to them. They can't empathize with our pain over it because the loss of it does not cause them pain. All they want is for us to shut up and leave them alone to deal with the important stuff.
Cathy