Thanks for resurrecting my thread! Funny, I just came back to it to post an update and saw your replies.
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Only after our M buckled under the weight of 3 kids in 4 years, an endless fixer-up house project, medical problems, and financial difficulties did she decide to give OM another chance.
This is normal family life. Good grief! This is nothing compared to stuff other people go through and survive to the end. It would be the same for any M she goes into. It's up to her how she decides to handle difficult times and learn to balance it with good times that she can generate along with you. Perhaps you did 'blow it' (which I doubt), but that is no excuse for the A.
It is so good to hear someone else say that! Thank you! When I say I "blew it", that probably sounds like I'm being too hard on myself. I did try very hard, and I was very devoted, so I know I didn't fail there. I was emotionally walled off from my W though, for nearly our whole M. She was starving for emotional connection, and when she'd ask me to open up, I acted like the stereotypical overworked husband, and treated her request as just another demand on me. When OM re-entered the picture, he was eager and willing to open up to her, and she ate it up. That's how I blew it. Now that we're separated, I can plainly see she wanted to feel connected to me so bad, and I hurt her over and over when I wouldn't open up to the one person I should have. I regret that deeply, and I've told her and shown her that.
I agree with you, she's being quite dramatic about all this, and she is a little emotionally immature. Her mother told me she was a crying wreck on our anniversary. She certainly doesn't seem to accept her role in her unhappiness, but those all seem to be symptoms of the whole WAW syndrome, and MLC, and affairs. As this plays out, she does appear to be returning to normal. Actually, even better than normal. She is nicer to me now than she has been in many years!
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I don't think she can make a clear declaration at this point. She is cake-eating and at this point (except for the time away from the children), it tastes good. Why would she change anything? You can set boundaries and start making things a little more uncomfortable which might nudge her to a decision, one way or the other. Until then, you are in a kinda limbo, as I see it.
I don't think she WANTS to make a clear declaration. The question is, should I insist? If she thinks she can continue having this little fun flirty thing with me, while she continues her involvement with OM, that just shows how selfish she is being, and I need to stop participating. If her A is dying, and her reaching out to me is her way of "testing the waters" between us, and if it continues to move forward, then I'm okay with just letting that happen for a while longer. I think she needs to feel there is hope for something new and better between us before she'd be willing to humble herself and ask for another chance. My mission is to stay distant enough to be a bit of a challenge to her, while still making her feel special and loved when we're together. Seems to be working so far. At some point I need to make a stand and tell her and/or show her I'm done and moving on. The question is when? I don't think I have any other choice other than to follow my gut.
Very interesting that one of the first things she said to me when she returned from her trip was that she wasn't going back there in November like she had been planning. I said nothing in response.
