Hello everyone... I didn't get to read all of the postings here, but enough to feel all of your pain, anger, and frustrations about this issue. I can't give too many details about my life or R since H browses this site, and I don't want him to "recognize" me (you know how it goes, 1+1=argument)... so here's my sketchy input.
Twice now, I've been in marriages with LD husbands - the first one was incredibly bad, and had many other nasty issues, but it still took me a long time to realize I could leave. The second - current - one, had a much better start, although I realized a while ago that even in the very beginning I was the one initiating, only then I couldn't see it for that since I was so ecstatic that SOMEONE cared and responded. Anyway, he's a good man, and probably his 'norm' would be just fine for many woman out there.... gradually, it got worse, though, and he began to resent my constant "wanting".
I don't know about you girls, but I REALLY enjoy sex, and sensuality, and all aspects and forms of physical interaction with a man...
For years I sublimated my desire for the sake of my family and marriage - there's one girl who posted in another area that 'sex should only be 10% and everything else 90%' - well, that's how it was for us. But when your body and your psyche says "NO!!! Sex should be MUCH MUCH higher on the list!!!" you can't push it under forever without other things popping up - such as resentment, anger, sadness - just read the Sex Starved Marriage Book - ours was directly from there, only I was the HD spouse.
So after a long, long time of this - and yes, I went through the 'what's wrong with me?' thinking big time - I withdrew, thinking he'd miss something - but he never did. Where before there was somewhat of a sex life mostly because of my initiation, now there was basically a vaccume. And when we did have sex, it was generally unimaginative and not engaging me in any emotional way - more or less just a way for him to get his rocks off when he really needed it. Doesn't make for a happy homelife...
And now, it's gridlock - I moved out to another part of the house because I simply don't desire him anymore. I can't make love to him - it's not there anymore. For the last few years, I tried, and for a while he did too, but then it went back to the old 'excuses' routine from his side - too tired, not feeling good, too much to do the next day, etc, etc. One day, one night actually when we had sex because he gave in because I was crying, I realized that we're just much better off as friends - sex is just too much of an "issue" between us. What was said in one of the first postings in this area was; You either live with it or leave" - is so true. I can't change myself. I can't not have physical desire in my life. I don't want to live without sex, or with sex being a minor role in my life. And I can't make him want it either....
So there's that.
Thanks for giving an 'ear' girls (and some guys I guess too!)
