Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Coach]

Work on the family fight song on the road trip.

"Hail to the Thinkers mighty are we,
Sailing thru space on to victory....."

there is your start, now you all get to finish it.

[Thinker]

Spending the afternoon at a large midwestern states farm fair - giant pumpkins, prize pigs, carnival rides and all.

Good clean family fun.

[theroadback]

sounds like a great time! reminds me of the LA county fair in pomona.

[orangedog]

My favorite fair things are baby pigs, chickens, food, and motocross.

Have fun.

[d1adsl5a]

Hey Thinker,

The word on the DB street is to read your sitch. I have a WAW, MLC wife, wife that doesn't want to be married, whatever you want to call it. ILYBNILWY.

Says she only married me because her father approved. Started taking antidepressants 5 years ago because her feelings changed for me. Not because of her horrible temper. Says she has been feeling this way for 10 years. Says she is "Done" Go find someone else to make you happy. You picked the wrong person. You will never change. It is me, not you...You never took care of the kids when they were babies..You stopped wanting to go out..You never listened to me.

I have gone through every emotion, made every mistake you can make. Even last saturday(at 3am) when she came home. When she goes out, that is the time she ususally comes home. And the time I usually get angry. Oh, she also wants to wait on divorce till it can be amicable. I said that will never happen. I will resent you to the day I die--why--you never really gave this an opportunity after you dropped the bomb.

So that is a snapshot of my life the past 4 months. I asked my wife to go to Retrouville last Saturday a couple hours after she said she's "done" She said yes. I said you need to have an open mind. She said, "I will"

Today, she tells me that she thinks she is going out saturday. I said great, I will make plans with the kids. She said why don't you just stay home. I said no, I need to do fun things with the kids. Especially during these times. I am going out the next three weekends to family and friend events. She has declined. She has essentially divorce my friends and family because they have "judged her" She has lost most of her friends through this. We had a pretty tight group of about 14 families. They all are looking down on her--she cries on my shoulder because she feels she is wearing a scarlet letter...

Anyway, today she tells me she always feels anxiety and tense when I am around at night(when kids are in bed). I said that I hardly am around you lately at night. She said that knows. She just can't help it- she is hoping the new therapist helps(last one was steering her to divorce). She also got a job a couple days a week. Hope that helps with her direction. She has such a wall built up around her, nothing can penetrate it. I did ask why are you going to retrouville, she said that she wants to see if there is anything left--I will take what I will get at this time...I go on Oct. 23rd. Same bed there--Right now I sleep on couch. I just can't sleep in same bed with her. Stay awake all night if I am sleeping with her..

[Thinker]

Hi d1adsl5a

(What should we call you?)

Sorry to hear about your sitch. Sounds like you are unfortunately in the same place as many of us.

I'm not sure that I am that much of an example. I have been here for 8 months and have been slowly applying portions of the methodology. I have backslid and been up and down the roller coaster more times than I care to think about. I am, however, glad to help others share in the benefit of my 8 months of hard experience.

I have a WAW, MLC wife, wife that doesn't want to be married, whatever you want to call it. ILYBNILWY.

Don't worry too much about labels. The important thing right now is that your W want's to leave, and you have to react to that.

Says she only married me because her father approved. Started taking antidepressants 5 years ago because her feelings changed for me. Not because of her horrible temper. Says she has been feeling this way for 10 years. Says she is "Done" Go find someone else to make you happy. You picked the wrong person. You will never change. It is me, not you...You never took care of the kids when they were babies..You stopped wanting to go out..You never listened to me.

Script. I heard most of that myself. It is vital that you sift through it to find the things you truly were doing wrong, and correct those - for yourself and for any R you have in the future. However, don't take all of what she is saying personally. Understand that to her, it is all true. She is not lying. Much of it, however, is history viewed through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. She only sees the bad right now.

I have gone through every emotion, made every mistake you can make.

We all have.

Oh, she also wants to wait on divorce till it can be amicable. I said that will never happen.

Another part of the script. My W also had dreams of an amicable D where we all remained good friends.

I asked my wife to go to Retrouville last Saturday a couple hours after she said she's "done" She said yes. I said you need to have an open mind. She said, "I will"

Good, congratulations.

Today, she tells me that she thinks she is going out saturday. I said great, I will make plans with the kids. She said why don't you just stay home. I said no, I need to do fun things with the kids.

Good. Get a life and move on with it without her.

Especially during these times.

I would have left this part off.

She has essentially divorce my friends and family because they have "judged her" She has lost most of her friends through this. We had a pretty tight group of about 14 families. They all are looking down on her--she cries on my shoulder because she feels she is wearing a scarlet letter...

Don't rescue her. Don't let her cry on your shoulder to ease the pain caused by the D she is driving. In fact, clearly state and enforce that this is her decision. "You are doing this. This is Your Decision. You can stop at any time" Many WAS's want to share the responsibility for the D with their spouse, or even transfer it to their spouse. You have to make them own the responsibility for their actions.

Anyway, today she tells me she always feels anxiety and tense when I am around at night(when kids are in bed).

Mine too. It is because she wants to leave and sees you as the barrier between her and happiness. This won't change until she stops seeing you as that barrier.

She has such a wall built up around her, nothing can penetrate it.

I know the feeling. I used those words almost exactly.

I did ask why are you going to retrouville, she said that she wants to see if there is anything left--I will take what I will get at this time...I go on Oct. 23rd.

Good. Go.

I am really happy that we are going as well, and I have been waiting for it for a long time. We scheduled it a LONG time ago, and it is now scheduled for 13 days from now.

I made a decision a while ago, however, that I was not going to base my DB strategy and actions around Retrovaille. Some people seem to hold their breath waiting for Retro, and in doing back off in the other areas where then need to be standing firm. I think this can hurt their overall chances of improving their R - particularly if their spouse decides to back out of the weekend.

Right now I sleep on couch. I just can't sleep in same bed with her. Stay awake all night if I am sleeping with her..

I know this pain exactly. Every time she moves all of your senses wake up and focus on her. I refused to give in and move out of the master bedroom, even though I had to take sleeping pills or Zanax for a time in order to be able to get a decent nights sleep there. I think it is too important for 3 reasons: 1) I wanted to hang on to any bit of closeness we had, 2) I did not want to face a decision in the future as to whether I should or could move back into the master bedroom - if things get better I just want to be there, and 3) It is vital to hold onto the truth that the WAS is the one leaving the marriage. If they want to leave, then they should be the one moving out or sleeping on the couch.

----

I am not sure how else I can help you. I will repeat that any time I found I was the one hanging on to the R and my W was the one trying to leave it, we were in limboland and our R was on a steady downward slide. The only times things started to improve was when my W felt I was more willing to let her go (or throw her out) than she was ready to go. At these times, she all of the sudden no longer saw me as the barrier between her and happiness, but suddenly as something she perhaps did not want to lose and she started taking steps to improve things.

[Thinker]

Journaling:

Am spending the night with my S's here at my parents. Mrs. Thinker is with her family for the night which is good, because I really needed some space. We have been traveling as a family and spending a lot of time together, and with the recent improvements in our R, I have found myself wanting to slip into pursuit again. I still have a tendency to let my expectations for the R and our interactions to grow, and then to be disappointed. I felt this start to turn into resentment yesterday.

As I said, a good time for a bit of space.

[Eskimo Nell]

... and lots of reflection on the good work that you have been doing.

Don't blow it all now Thinker ... don't undo the long road that you have travelled by pursuing. As your signature says, Focus on Yourself and keep working on the partnership!

Good luck - may we both raise ourselves out of limboland real soon ...

[Sara]

Thanks, but I didn't do anything but drop the rope and start standing up for myself. This (the ring) was COMPLETELY her initiative.

Believe me, it was not a breakthrough "Now we'll live happily ever after" moment. We still have a ton of issues. But it was DEFINITELY a significant step SHE made toward stabilizing the M.

Thank you Mrs. Thinker!

I am amused that the significant step she made to stabilizing the marriage involved picking out a beautiful new piece of jewelry. All the men on this site should take note of that.

[Thinker]

Now back together in the car as a complete family and making the final drive home. I am glad I had that break - it enabled me to detach a bit more again.

I'm going to be glad to get home again.

The boys start school again this week, so we are going to be busy for the next few days.

Goal is to stay calm and detached for the next 2 weeks.