Stuck, it seems to be even more challenging to do something on my own now that my youngest is the only one with me. I did take advantage of his going to a middle school activity at church last night to run some errands and call a friend. The funny thing is that my middle child (S14) asked if he could come over, use the computer and spend some time with me. It was really nice.
ACJ, I agree that speaking to the kids anymore would just drive them away. I spoke to the counselor and he says that it is better that the kids aren't forced to choose. He recommends I speak with my W about not putting it on the kids, working out a schedule that makes sense. He said that while it may seem like a good idea to let the kids choose, they cannot fully understand the ramifications and will make questionable choices, further eroding their emotional well being. They may not like being told where they are to live or dislike being shuttled back and forth but it is the best solution.
As far as "me" time, I am challenged with finding something I like to do or to do something with at my age. I'm very sociable so doing things by myself seems a little depressing but finding someone else to do things with is a bit more challenging since most other people I know are couples.
For now, as I mentioned to Stuck, my youngest wants to be with me (until I broach the subject with my W about 50/50 living arrangements for the kids) so he and I are together a majority of the time.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF I totally identify with you about things being even more challenging now that you only have your youngest at home as this is how I feel. I'm slightly better off as my youngest is 14 so I'm able to leave her for a short time at least while I go out.
As far as not knowing what to do by yourself that's why I joined the social networking club I'm in. It gave me something to do and someone to do it with. Check it out to see if there is anything similar in your area. I've done all sorts of things from going out for meals, to the odd weekend away to learning new activities (like a taster session).
I know how nice it is to spend time with your kids BUT spendig all your time with them is not healthy either (for you or son).
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I need some advice on a couple of different topics. I know I can be frustrating to some since it seems like I won't listen when people have suggested that I be more aggressive in getting what I want from my W. I can relate that it would be difficult to understand why I would still be willing to stand for my M but I do think I am supposed to. I believe that MLC can be an illness and my Ws choices and actions seem to reflect that she is dealing with challenges that I can barely comprehend.
My issues:
1. W has become disrespectful and ignores my opinion when it comes to the children 2. My W has gone straight to the children with different issues she should discuss with me first 3. She now has two of my children a majority of the time; I have the youngest 4. Feeling of loss is overwhelming at times
My W (I am trying not to call her my ex since I am still "fighting" for my marriage although I don't call her my W to her or others) is still in a R with a woman from Canada. She has been in town for the past month and is about to return home on Saturday (my birthday is on Sunday). This woman is well liked by my children (she is very nice to them and cooks wonderful meals for all of them) but I am uncertain if my kids are fully aware or have received confirmation from their mother about their R. My kids have been raised by my W and myself as loving all people but not accepting things that are against God in ourselves or others. Please don't misunderstand, we are not harsh to others at all and we don't beat up on ourselves when we mess up. We simply try not to do things that are offensive to God.
So my concern is the effect on my children since they have voiced many times over the past couple of years distaste when it appears pushed at us in TV and movies and other areas. (BTW, I do have friends that are in same sex R. They are my friends for the people they are, not what they choose to do. I don't abandon my friends because they do something I don't agree with unless it harms my family) I have not seen behavior changes in my children that I would expect if their mother would have definitively let them know that she in a L relationship.
The reason for all of this information is that when her friend is gone, my W is much more agreeable and easier to talk to. While we don't spend much time together when her friend is gone, it is non-existent and more strained when we have to interact (on my Ws end, not mine). My therapist, who was the person that was counseling the both of us before we separated, had opportunities to speak to us individually. He shared that my W is more of the passive side of a L relationship and always will be. He said that it took the woman from her old job to get her to leave and my Ws private therapist that she had been going to before we went to see him, encouraged her to "spread her wings". My words, not his. He said she is heavily influenced by those around her and she will seek out people who will tell her to be more tough instead of cooperative.
This is why I wanted to wait to discuss the original parenting plan of 50/50 living arrangements after her friend returns to Canada. I am fairly certain that my W is more harsh with me because of her friend encouraging her.
The therapist (who is a Christian Counselor) said that letting the children choose where they live is putting more on them than they can handle. They are trying to please the parent who left because they will tend to try to hang on to that person (sound familiar?). Further, I am the "safe" parent who they know will always be there.
I am also fairly certain that my W (even though she is a counselor herself) is saying things to the kids that are not healthy. She has directly asked the kids to live with her (as related to me by my youngest and I am holding his sharing with me in confidence).
An example of this is recent. Yesterday, we took my youngest to the doctor because he is having issues concentrating. He has tried medicines in past years but we didn't like the side effects: aggression, tics, lack of sleep, etc. It has become bad again with his concentration for school so I scheduled and appointment. My W was concerned because of other possible side effects such as stunted growth so she came along.
While we were at the doctor, she almost ignored me when it came to discussing the issues with the doctor. At one point, she mentioned a program that is not an IEP (he doesn't have a learning disability) called a "504". I am not sure of the details of a 504 but it requires the teachers to put him in the front of class (better to focus) and ensure that he has written down his homework and signing off on it as well. When she started to discuss it with our son's doctor, I asked what a 504 was and she waved her hand at me and made a facial gesture that said "I will tell you later". She finally told me when I asked repeatedly.
The doctor told us of a newer medicine that has fewer side effects and we agreed that we would give it a try.
Outside, my W asked our S(12) what homework he still had (I knew of a spelling test he had to prepare for) and he admitted that he had a science worksheet to do. Both my W and I were frustrated because he has lied a couple of times about not having homework. She said to our S, why don't you start coming to my place after school and I will take you to your dad's on my way to work (about 7:30pm). My heart sank because I would then only see our son 7:30 - bedtime. Again, she did not discuss this with me first.
My W asked me if he would have time to prepare for his test, do his homework and go to scouts that evening. I said I don't know. We decided that he had to focus on his schoolwork.
He left with her to go have dinner with his mom, sister, brother and the Canadian friend. I drove to the pharmacy but it was very busy and I had to get ready to take S14 to scouts so I decided to get the medicine on Friday. I was hurting inside, with the disrespect I had felt from my W and being alone was more than I could bear. When I got back home, I texted S14 to see if he was ready for scouts and he responded that "mom is going to take me". I sent back "I was going to go with you". In a brief moment, I felt that S12 should go to scouts still and then prepare for his test and his homework. He always challenges me with not wanting to go to the scout meeting but is glad that he went afterwards.
I called W at her place but she didn't answer. I texted her asking her to call me. When she did, I explained that I think that S12 should go and then do his homework and study for his test afterwards. She expressed concern asking if we would be setting him up for failure if he got a bad grade. I explained that he should learn his lesson to prepare in advance (he had all week) and still remain true to his obligations. She asked if he had missed too many scouting events and I said that he hadn't but I don't want him to start a trend plus he needs the association with the other kids. Our S12 has been very lazy when it comes to anything to do with work. He would be happy to sit and read a book, play a video game or get on the computer. Scouts is an area where he gets out, socializes with others, learns how to be a leader and other skills that he really needs.
She ended up going with what I said after questioning me several times if I thought this would be good for our S. I admit I felt better than I had in a long time because I had asserted myself in a positive way. I was never inconsiderate, I was not thinking of anyone except my son and I felt that whether she agreed or not, she did allow this to happen.
After the meeting, he was able to complete his science homework and study for his spelling test before 10pm. I sent a text to my W that his pretest before studying was a 75% and afterwards a 95%.
I don't know how well he will do today on his test but I still feel that I handled it the right way.
Before we went to bed, and this made me very concerned and sad, my S12 said that D17 and S14 were talking while my W was on the phone with me earlier and (I am paraphrasing) they said something like "I hope dad won't yell at us because we aren't living with him. I didn't know what to say because if anything, I was more soft spoken to them, letting them know how much I miss them and trying to get together with them as much as possible and being light and fun. I don't know why they would even think I would yell at them.
Another thing happened while S12 was studying. I called D17 to say goodnight and she was a little stressed since she was still working on a speech assignment. She apologized for being short with me and I told her not to worry about it. She then asked me why I had S12 go to scouts when he had homework. While I was surprised she would ask that and felt that it was inappropriate for her to question me on how I handle S12, I explained to her that he needed to stretch himself a bit and handle his responsibilities. If I let him out of going to scouts, he would probably continue to bail on his duties and not learn from it. By still going to scouts and preparing for school, he will remember the next day how tired he was and hopefully not repeat this.
I am sorry this is so long and trust me, there is a lot more that happened with my W but this is the issues I am facing. I plan on speaking with her next week and I may try to get her to open up communications with me, expressing my desire for us to be great parents and the only way we can do that is if we are on the same page.
PLEASE let me know what you think!!!
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I feel for you so much as your W could be the female version of my H. The only difference is that his new partner is of the opposite sex.
My experience, and I truely hope it won't be yours, is that when I push to co-parent is when H goes totally off the wall and does and says things that he knows will push buttons for me. So as hard as it has been and whilst it may look to outsiders like I have given up I no longer tackle him on this. For the two children I have responsibility for I always let him know when things are happening at school/uni (like parents evening). He NEVER shows anymore. He doesn't give me the same courtesy but thankfully this is one area where I have succeed with S17 and he tells me when these things are on. I am ALWAYS there.
Like your W my H completely ignores me when we turn up for S17s school events. In front of the teachers you would never know what is happening between us b/c I go to great lengths to ensure this doesn't happen but in between talks with teachers its like I don't exist.
It upsets me terribly and I used to let it show BUT not anymore. I won't give him the satsifaction of knowing he has hurt me yet again. The last time we attended school I arrived on the bus as I had been to uni, he arrived inhis car, he lives 5 mins away and did not offer me a lift home. Conversely the time before this happened in reverse. I did offer him a lift but he declined.
I know you are not ready to give up on your M BUT FWIW I think that unless outwardly you start to show that maybe you are letting go then your W will always behave in this manner towards you. She is behaving in this way b/c she knows it hurts and right now she wants to hurt you.
When my H announced his OW was pregnant I was obviously devastated. However I sent a genuine email giving him my congratulations.It's not the child's fault that this has happened and at the end of the day my children will be it's older siblings and so I have to get used to this new life being part of our lives. For me it was this announcement that finally made me realise I was fighting a battle that was never mine to be won. I could have raved and ranted and said all the things I really felt inside but I didn't. At the moment it hasn't improved R with my H but I hope in time it will. Having a new baby in the house will hopefully make him remember how hard we worked as a team when our children were that age. I no longer want him back b/c whilst I could forgive an A I cannot and will not forgive a baby with another woman. That is one insult too many. He will never know that.
Turning back to your kids. The reason your D17 thought you would shout is b/c you keep making it obvious that you miss her and she expects you to get angry and frustrated about this. Continue to be the dad you are but for now do it in the background. I KNOW how much that hurts but the alternative justs hurts others more; namely your kids.
As for the same sex R your W is having. I think your children are all old enough to have realised for themselves what is happening. They don't discuss it with either you or W b/c they don't want to rock the boat any furhter. Children are more tolerant than we give them credit for and even more so when they are trying to please and keep the peace. I'm not saying what is happening is right just that your kids don't need reminding about what is right under thier noses. If they want to discuss it with you they will.
Replying to your posts is quite therapeutic for me b/c it reminds me of what I should be doing in my own sitch so believe me I know that putting any of this into action is NOT easy and it tkaes a lot of grit and willpower to get there.
BUT YOU WILL
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
ACJ, I want to take time to reflect on what you shared but I am getting ready to leave the office. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your time to discuss this with me and sharing the pain you are feeling. I wish it was not happening to you. You don't deserve this.
I will write later but for now, I can guarantee your children will come to show their appreciation much more in the future.
mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
ACJ, you are probably right about my D thinking that I may resort to shouting since she isn't coming home. I am hoping that the conversation with my W about the 50/50 living arrangements go smooth. I don't expect it to but one can hope. I consider my D's concern to be yet another opportunity to know that I love her unconditionally and I don't have to resort to a negative display.
Regarding my W and her friend, I do think the kids suspect something but if my W is following suit about her mother and her mothers' affair with another woman, she will never say anything to the kids. My W found out about her mom's gf when the lady started to talk to my W earlier in the year that my W decided that was a path she wanted to take. It was always suspected of her mother but no one ever discussed it.
I hate seeing my kids go through this.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Also, I have left a lot of things that need to be done to the house by the wayside. I need to catch up there. While I have concerns about what my life will be like, i.e. filled with when the kids are out of the house, I am not worried. I know I will miss them then but that is a normal change in life.
At this time, my focus is how to have a R with my kids if they are living full time at their moms.
sorry for the caps but it makes it easier to read- and first off, SORRY For what you're being handed...OUCH!! MMF---You asked me to post on your thread so....here it comes.... -DON'T LET THEM LIVE FULL TIME THERE. SIMPLE. NOT EASY, BUT NOT COMPLICATED. AND GET THE HOUSE IN GOOD SHAPE AND BE UPBEAT SO THAT THE KIDS DON'T FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. CAN YOU SEE A C FOR DEPRESSION?? IT SOUNDS APPLICABLE.
I also don't want the kids feeling guilty and coming back home for that reason. At the same time, I want them to know how badly I want time with them. They are so worth it. SO MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOU ARE NOT SURRENDERING AGAIN...NO GIVING IN ON THIS. YOU'RE THEIR PRIMARY CUSTODIAL PARENT FOR A REASON. DON'T STAND IN THE WAY OF SEEING THE MOM BUT THIS IS NOT THE SAME. ALSO ARE THEY IN THE SAME SCHOOL DISTRICT?? Stuck I understand what you mean about not giving the kids to her in the first place. And I appreciate you being straight with me. I like to work on myself, evaluate what I have done and make improvements.
I do think it is important that the kids live with me at least 50% of the time and I will be speaking with them more over the next day or two.
START BY SAYING THAT YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN THE FAMILY HOME AND SPLITTING IT UP ISNT' RIGHT. THEY CAN SPEND THE NIGHT WITH THEIR MOM ON WEEKENDS OR SOME OTHER PRE-ARRANGED DEAL BUT WHAT'S WITH SPLITTING UP? IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THE YOUNGEST ASKS TO MOVE OUT ALSO AND THAT WAS PROBABLY HER PLAN. IF NOT, THE YOUNGEST MUST MISS THE SIBLINGS WHICH MEANS HE'S STAYING OUT OF GUILT. SO TAKE THE CHOICE FROM THE KIDS AND MAKE IT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR WIFE SO THE KIDS ARE NOT IN THE MIDDLE. THEY'LL MAKE THEIR NEEDS KNOWN, ONCE YOU TAKE THE HEAVY LOAD OF DECISION MAKING AWAY...
I will not disagree that I am emotionally tied to my children. I have not detached from my XW as much as I had thought. I haven't given up on her. WELL, I WON'T COMMENT ON NOT GIVING UP ON HER...moving on does not mean giving up anyhow.... I HAVE 2 RELATIVES WHO DIV AND REMARRIED THEIR EXES BUT THEY DID MOVE ON AND YOU HAVE NOT AND THAT IS PROBABLY WHY YOU ARE STUCK WHERE YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE. THE NEEDINESS THAT SCREAMS FROM YOUR POSTS MAY EVEN BE TURNING YOUR KIDS OFF SUBCONSCIOUSLY AT LEAST....SORRY, I KNOW THAT'S HARD TO HEAR. BUT YOU DO HAVE TO "MAN UP" AND BE A HAPPY GUY, SO PEOPLE CAN HANDLE BEING AROUND YOU AND SO YOUR FAMILY MISSES YOU B/C YOU ARE ONE FUN, CREATIVE, INTERESTING AND INTERESTED MAN. While I agree that I have been allowing her to cake eat, I have tried to balance out showing her unconditional love while protecting my children. THIS CONFUSES ME A LOT. SHE IS CAKE EATING FOR SURE...AND YOU ARE "BALANCING" THAT WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE??? NO YOU"RE NOT, YOU ARE CEMENTING THE CAKE EATING AND REINFORCING IT....TOTALLY.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO YOU, SEEMS THAT SHE CAN SMASH YOUR FACE AND YOU'D TAKE IT, AND CALL IT "LOVE". I CALL IT WEAK....SORRY. I would love to have her respect but i think that it will be a long time coming.
YOU WANT HER RESPECT? ASSUMING YOUR TEMPER WAS NOT A PRIOR ISSUE, THEN GET HER RESPECT BY STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS. RESPECT DOES NOT "COME IN TIME"...IT IS EARNED AND EXPECTED, OVER TIME. RESPECT IS A CRUCIAL PART OF REAL LOVE.
Thanks for your comments.
mmf
Geez, Good luck MMF. I think you have been stuck for far too long. It's ALL about GAL and being a good dad now. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS and guess what? IF there is a chance of your w seeing you differently AND then wanting a reconciliation, it'll be b/c you finally are different. And btw, piecing and restoring a M are NOT easy. You think all she has to do is move back in? You are not correct....by a long shot.
It would take decisions she has [b]not made, and is not leaning towards as far as we can tell...and then it would take WORK and forgiveness over time on both sides, which you THINK[/b] you have done....and maybe you have. But truly forgiving her would have allowed you to move on. You're still hanging on b/c you are still wanting things to even out, to be restored in the sense that justice is achieved or that you'll get yours.....from HER...whereas if you had moved on and maybe met someone else and then your wife saw you in a new way, or you found real happiness with a healthy widow for example, what might your kids see and think then? While still married, I do not advise people to date. But you are divorced so the question becomes when will you move on IF EVER? Hypothetically what would it take for you to think you might want to be with another woman or move on in your life so that your wife's actions are of no concern to you anymore than an old friends?
You are not detached and you will know you are more detached or closer to it when you are more indifferent to her reaction to you. I think you're terrified of rocking the boat. AND IT SHOWS. So she rocks it when she wants, and isn't she getting ALL that she wanted? You out of the picture, and her kids back, now that's she gotten her fill of the "MLC Vacation..." and she faced no consequences?? I don't know your history but that's my take on this. Maybe you have an old thread or this is your story pretty much.
What reason did she give when she left AND why did d17 say SHE wanted to move in with her mom? Are there OM or OW in the picture?
Finally, let me say that notwithstanding all the "straight shooting" I just did, I do feel for you. The ONE thing that helped me when h left with his prolonged MLC was knowing my kids were with me and knew I loved them and they loved me. They saw their dad's selfishness before I did, and their forgiveness has been harder for him to earn, though I support it heartily. For everyone's sake and the M. But my gut tells me your dependence on them is a turn off. My kids like seeing me with my adult friends doing my own thing and not holding onto them while they spread their wings. Let your kids see the best in you, not the neediest.
I'm sorry for the pain this causes you. It does suck. You don't deserve it. But you must stand up for yourself and simply stop caring how your wife feels about this. [b] Care only how YOU and the kids feel. your wife obviously puts herself first so no one has to worry that her needs will be overlooked. Trust me on that. ((( j ))) [/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I need some advice on a couple of different topics. I know I can be frustrating to some since it seems like I won't listen when people have suggested that I be more aggressive in getting what I want from my W. I can relate that it would be difficult to understand why I would still be willing to stand for my M but I do think I am supposed to. I believe that MLC can be an illness and my Ws choices and actions seem to reflect that she is dealing with challenges that I can barely comprehend.
My issues:
1. W has become disrespectful and ignores my opinion when it comes to the children 2. My W has gone straight to the children with different issues she should discuss with me first 3. She now has two of my children a majority of the time; I have the youngest 4. Feeling of loss is overwhelming at times
My W (I am trying not to call her my ex since I am still "fighting" for my marriage although I don't call her my W to her or others) is still in a R with a woman from Canada. She has been in town for the past month and is about to return home on Saturday (my birthday is on Sunday). This woman is well liked by my children (she is very nice to them and cooks wonderful meals for all of them) but I am uncertain if my kids are fully aware or have received confirmation from their mother about their R. My kids have been raised by my W and myself as loving all people but not accepting things that are against God in ourselves or others. Please don't misunderstand, we are not harsh to others at all and we don't beat up on ourselves when we mess up. We simply try not to do things that are offensive to God.
So my concern is the effect on my children since they have voiced many times over the past couple of years distaste when it appears pushed at us in TV and movies and other areas. (BTW, I do have friends that are in same sex R. They are my friends for the people they are, not what they choose to do. I don't abandon my friends because they do something I don't agree with unless it harms my family) I have not seen behavior changes in my children that I would expect if their mother would have definitively let them know that she in a L relationship.
The reason for all of this information is that when her friend is gone, my W is much more agreeable and easier to talk to. While we don't spend much time together when her friend is gone, it is non-existent and more strained when we have to interact (on my Ws end, not mine). My therapist, who was the person that was counseling the both of us before we separated, had opportunities to speak to us individually. He shared that my W is more of the passive side of a L relationship and always will be. He said that it took the woman from her old job to get her to leave and my Ws private therapist that she had been going to before we went to see him, encouraged her to "spread her wings". My words, not his. He said she is heavily influenced by those around her and she will seek out people who will tell her to be more tough instead of cooperative.
This is why I wanted to wait to discuss the original parenting plan of 50/50 living arrangements after her friend returns to Canada. I am fairly certain that my W is more harsh with me because of her friend encouraging her.
The therapist (who is a Christian Counselor) said that letting the children choose where they live is putting more on them than they can handle. They are trying to please the parent who left because they will tend to try to hang on to that person (sound familiar?). Further, I am the "safe" parent who they know will always be there.
I am also fairly certain that my W (even though she is a counselor herself) is saying things to the kids that are not healthy. She has directly asked the kids to live with her (as related to me by my youngest and I am holding his sharing with me in confidence).
An example of this is recent. Yesterday, we took my youngest to the doctor because he is having issues concentrating. He has tried medicines in past years but we didn't like the side effects: aggression, tics, lack of sleep, etc. It has become bad again with his concentration for school so I scheduled and appointment. My W was concerned because of other possible side effects such as stunted growth so she came along.
While we were at the doctor, she almost ignored me when it came to discussing the issues with the doctor. At one point, she mentioned a program that is not an IEP (he doesn't have a learning disability) called a "504". I am not sure of the details of a 504 but it requires the teachers to put him in the front of class (better to focus) and ensure that he has written down his homework and signing off on it as well. When she started to discuss it with our son's doctor, I asked what a 504 was and she waved her hand at me and made a facial gesture that said "I will tell you later". She finally told me when I asked repeatedly.
The doctor told us of a newer medicine that has fewer side effects and we agreed that we would give it a try.
Outside, my W asked our S(12) what homework he still had (I knew of a spelling test he had to prepare for) and he admitted that he had a science worksheet to do. Both my W and I were frustrated because he has lied a couple of times about not having homework. She said to our S, why don't you start coming to my place after school and I will take you to your dad's on my way to work (about 7:30pm). My heart sank because I would then only see our son 7:30 - bedtime. Again, she did not discuss this with me first.
My W asked me if he would have time to prepare for his test, do his homework and go to scouts that evening. I said I don't know. We decided that he had to focus on his schoolwork.
He left with her to go have dinner with his mom, sister, brother and the Canadian friend. I drove to the pharmacy but it was very busy and I had to get ready to take S14 to scouts so I decided to get the medicine on Friday. I was hurting inside, with the disrespect I had felt from my W and being alone was more than I could bear. When I got back home, I texted S14 to see if he was ready for scouts and he responded that "mom is going to take me". I sent back "I was going to go with you". In a brief moment, I felt that S12 should go to scouts still and then prepare for his test and his homework. He always challenges me with not wanting to go to the scout meeting but is glad that he went afterwards.
I called W at her place but she didn't answer. I texted her asking her to call me. When she did, I explained that I think that S12 should go and then do his homework and study for his test afterwards. She expressed concern asking if we would be setting him up for failure if he got a bad grade. I explained that he should learn his lesson to prepare in advance (he had all week) and still remain true to his obligations. She asked if he had missed too many scouting events and I said that he hadn't but I don't want him to start a trend plus he needs the association with the other kids. Our S12 has been very lazy when it comes to anything to do with work. He would be happy to sit and read a book, play a video game or get on the computer. Scouts is an area where he gets out, socializes with others, learns how to be a leader and other skills that he really needs.
She ended up going with what I said after questioning me several times if I thought this would be good for our S. I admit I felt better than I had in a long time because I had asserted myself in a positive way. I was never inconsiderate, I was not thinking of anyone except my son and I felt that whether she agreed or not, she did allow this to happen.
After the meeting, he was able to complete his science homework and study for his spelling test before 10pm. I sent a text to my W that his pretest before studying was a 75% and afterwards a 95%.
I don't know how well he will do today on his test but I still feel that I handled it the right way.
Before we went to bed, and this made me very concerned and sad, my S12 said that D17 and S14 were talking while my W was on the phone with me earlier and (I am paraphrasing) they said something like "I hope dad won't yell at us because we aren't living with him. I didn't know what to say because if anything, I was more soft spoken to them, letting them know how much I miss them and trying to get together with them as much as possible and being light and fun. I don't know why they would even think I would yell at them.
Another thing happened while S12 was studying. I called D17 to say goodnight and she was a little stressed since she was still working on a speech assignment. She apologized for being short with me and I told her not to worry about it. She then asked me why I had S12 go to scouts when he had homework. While I was surprised she would ask that and felt that it was inappropriate for her to question me on how I handle S12, I explained to her that he needed to stretch himself a bit and handle his responsibilities. If I let him out of going to scouts, he would probably continue to bail on his duties and not learn from it. By still going to scouts and preparing for school, he will remember the next day how tired he was and hopefully not repeat this.
I am sorry this is so long and trust me, there is a lot more that happened with my W but this is the issues I am facing. I plan on speaking with her next week and I may try to get her to open up communications with me, expressing my desire for us to be great parents and the only way we can do that is if we are on the same page.
PLEASE let me know what you think!!!
mmf
This explains a lot to me. You are, obviously not handling your w well. Can you see this now? You are protecting your children from the truth and maybe they know and maybe they don't. I just think it's time for you to find MMF and stop focusing on what you have lost. It radiates way too much. You are operating on some underlying assumption that b/c you did nothing "Wrong" you will be rewarded with your w's return....really? My bil died of a brain tumor. He didn't want to die. He had two kids with my sister so are you saying that b/c he didn't believe well and hard enough, God ignored his wishes? Of course not and in that case there was NO Free will. In your ex wife's case there IS free will and she has chosen a very diff life style and you are still hanging onto to the past. Learn from Elizabeth Edwards (I did not vote for her h, btw) but in her book she describes losing their oldest child in a car accident, her cancer diagnosis, it's recurrence and then her h's A....and she says her BIGGEST REGRET is the time SHE wasted wanting her old life back when in reality it would never be the same. A major event has changed your life forever, so your old life is gone.
It's gone. If your oldest child died, would you tell your other kids life isn't worth living and you'll never laugh or love again and kill yourself? Would you constantly stare at her picture and "believe hard enough" that she'd come back from the dead for you? Do you see what you are modelling for your kids about loss --which life gives ALL of us at some point? We'll all be betrayed or face a setback! You are teaching them that without your w, you CANNOT be happy? Do you see what a terrible lesson that is for them? That someone else is responsible and all powerful over THEIR lives?? OMG...
How about instead, you focus on what your remaining life offers. Which is a lot! You have 3 great kids and you own a home and I assume you are gainfully employed and relatively healthy. So God put you in the top 2% of the world's population in gifts already...no one is shooting at you or denying you the right to vote or worship, you have food today and there will be food tomorrow, in your electric refrigerator, the house you have won't collapse in the next monsoon, you have access to medical care, no one raped your d or took your sons into their warlord gangs....do you see my point? Don't minimize this. In some ways we are very spoiled in the western world.
You have spent 3 years wanting your old life back. BUT It's gone. That does NOT mean there are no other reasons for having a good life. There are, and you know it. Make the changes you need to make to accept the changes that have already occurred. Your EX wife (come on!) may be damaged goods, and maybe she'll see that someday, but there sure isn't any hurry for that to happen, [i]since you are obviously living in the past making it clear you'd wait forever. STill calling her your wife says it all....stuck in the past life wanting it back and terrified of adapting to the new reality....what will you do when your kids leave for real? Adopt? And that waiting around is not love. At least not for yourself. IMHO. [/i]
Simply put, the reason she treats you increasingly badly, is b/c you tolerate it, under the guise of... whatever you want to call it. Re-assess that, big time, b/c I think it's just plain old fear and weakness, and you are better than that. Start showing her that. j-
PS Don't let fear be your guide, (even while calling it something else). If your ex wife wants back into a R with you, SOMEDAY WAY DOWN THE ROAD--she'll let you know. Seriously, she'll be able to find you I bet. You really believe that by moving on in YOUR life, you'll send HER the wrong message? I don't. And besides....how's your approach working so far?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
