At least he is finally able to admit it though, so a huge step. I am sure it is hard getting to where you are, if it were easy it would be called fun and everyone would get to play.
I have really missed you. There would have been many a time I would have called on my flying monkey friend, but lately just because I wanted to know how you were doing. I know sometimes it is easier to be away, but know that I am hoping you the best.
hugs to my favorite snarky friend, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It's absolutely stunning to me that he actually said the words! My STBXH still won't call it that, gets pissed at me if I call OW his mistress (because it sounds bad *headdesk*) etc etc.
Probably why you are your H are still talking and I am resigned to getting D and hoping to avoid my STBXH for the rest of my life lol.
I am sure the hormones will take a while to level out, but I am so glad you are feeling better.
Hang in there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I am so freaking FRUSTRATED today!! I have been telling H for a long time now that he needs to make an effort to make our DD8 feel special. To spend 1 on 1 time with her as he has always done with our DS13 and now with his D9mos. He is always playing ball with my son or doing something with him and he babysits his child from the OW quite a bit, so he gets plenty of alone time with each of them. He does not however do that with my DD8, nor does he really make an effort to and it hurts her. This came out while the kids were in IC and I tried to tell him then and it became a fight. He has promised to take her to several movies and only a few of them have actually happened and even then, most of the time we all end up going, so there isn't much interaction between just the 2 of them.
We were talking on the phone this am and he said something about taking her to a movie and the conversation progressed from there. It drives me nuts because he REFUSES to see or hear it and yet, he feels the same way about his mom. According to him its just MY OPINION. I know I can't make him see it, but what other motivation would I have? I know it must be hurtful to hear, but if it was something I was doing, I have no doubt he'd tell me and I would expect him to. I also suspect he knows its true and thats why he gets so MAD about it.
We ended up going back and forth texting and the first text I got was: what you say on my relationship with DD8 is only your opinion, doesn't make it a fact! I get tired of you telling me how things are! then after I replied I got: this is the chit I can't stand.
It also doesn't help that apparently the last couple of days the Troll has been giving him hell about him not treating D9mos the same as my kids. My only response to that was, well I'm sure I could say the same thing. Probably shouldn't have said anything, but she is the last person to complain. She won't let him take the baby anywhere where I might be, then complains because he doesn't treat her the same? Too much.
Any suggestions on how to address this without it becoming a war?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Well, that's true. You're her mom though, so your opinion is prob. a pretty good one.
You said it came out during their IC. So D9 expressed that opinion then? That she would like to spend more time with her dad? If not, I wouldn't worry about it or interfere between them. But if she did, then that's what I would say is important. If she feels neglected, then her feelings are valid and important.
I'm trying to get my D9 to tell her dad stuff too. The kids usually always just tell me stuff, and not their dad, so I tell them you need to tell your dad that too. B/c then he winds up being kind of clueless.
The counselor told me and DD8 confirmed it. Her words,"dad doesn't like me as much as DS13." She went on to say that he is always taking DS13 places and doing stuff with him and he doesn't with her and she thinks he doesn't "like" her. Now that the baby is in the picture and he is spending time with her she feels it even more.
I think that gets me more than anyone. That he babysits all the time, changes diapers, feeds her, etc...all the things he had the opportunity to do with mine and CHOSE not to do. That he offers and pusues time with this child and not my daughter breaks my heart. That really gets to me, but I have never said anything about it to anyone but him. He has tried to rewrite the past and say that she didn't WANT to be around him, but the truth was he didn't make much of an effort with her.
He makes a noticible difference between them and then gets upset when he is called on it. There are times when the kids tell him how they feel and he refuses to entertain it, let alone validate it and it comes from their mouths. She won't say it because she is afraid that he won't "like" her even more. I know she feels replaced and damnit, I can't help but feel that was a little too.
I think because I am her mother and I have been in her shoes before, that this is a real hot button issue with me. I know what people who are made to feel this way become and I don't want that for her.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
The counselor told me and DD8 confirmed it. Her words,"dad doesn't like me as much as DS13." She went on to say that he is always taking DS13 places and doing stuff with him and he doesn't with her and she thinks he doesn't "like" her. Now that the baby is in the picture and he is spending time with her she feels it even more.
Sorry, I should have said D8! Well, does he know all that? He can say whatever he wants but if she feels that way then he should try to make her feel differently by doing stuff with her. If he knows that and just ignores it, I'm dumbfounded! That's totally messed up!
Has he been told? Yes. Has he chosen to hear or believe it? I don't think so.
It would be easier if he would just either say, "I'm not interested." or if he would do something, but paying his "relationship" with her lip service and not doing anything is just a BS Cop-out. He is the adult and I believe it is up to him to do the work, not her. The worst part for me is having to listen to him talk about how much he enjoys her and loves her, but his actions speak differently. I refuse to allow her to be left behind, shoved to the side or forgotten. Not on my watch.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Have you tried not talking about it but put them in situations together? Maybe you need to take your son somewhere and now somthing has come up for her, could he please take her? It won't happen overnight. I don't think you should try to force the relationship but try to help it along as quietly and as gently as you can.
Maybe your H sees what he missed with his family and is somehow trying to make up for it with the baby. Not all men are comfortable around their daughters. It will take work is all I can say. Thinking of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
so did your D or the C tell your husband what came out in counseling??? it may registar if it comes from someone other than you...coming from you he may be thinking it's same ole, same ole......but if it comes from D or the C then he may get it...
