Yes, love is a choice. I do love him. I don't like him right now. I am not "in love" with him. Fortunately.
He left nine months ago (went to sleep at friends' houses and travelled a bunch until finally getting his own place (well,paid for by rich friend) about 2 months ago), tore into me as to how it was my fault. I took the hit. He left town, I lost a bunch of weight, started working out and though I was a frickin disaster inside, I looked good and appeared to be managing well. When he came back and saw me, he flipped out and was angry (oh now you x,y and z) which I now understand is because he had already crossed some threshold (OW perhaps).
Never since he left has he really left me alone. I have stayed out of his business. I have validated, apologized, analyzed, discussed, made myself vulnerable, went on dates with him, had sex with him. It is all documented somewhere on here but it was really awful because no matter what, he felt that his "destiny" was to leave etc. Any positive interaction was deemed negative after the fact because it didn't fit with his decision to leave, so my efforts were futile.
What he wanted was to feel like a "man" to be a big shot in the entertainment biz, to have a girlfriend who could go out with him every night (he doesn't remember telling me this)...he wants to be around important people with fame and money (which he has succeeded in doing)...but, we are broke and in debt.
In our M, I was neurotic, demeaning, critical, withheld sex (not intentionally, I had lost attraction and it was very frustrating and demoralizing for me as well) although, I still spiced it up on occasion and made efforts. Often I was visibly bored and unenthusiastic about sex. I felt objectified and used because our M was cr*p and the s*x became one of the only area he put any effort into.
He has body issues. I fell in love with him with extra weight on him but his self-loathing and lack of connection to his body really affected our sex life and his confidence. I felt I was f*cking a boy not a man.
Well I'm starting to go through the history you graciously re-posted (thank you).
Couple things stand out and I'm just going to go back & forth a bit to cover those things that stand out the most.
A recurring theme jumps out based on your own descriptions, your husband wanting to feel like a man, a big man. He tends to use you as a crutch, his reason for not succeeding or feeling like a man. Some of it may be warranted but I think alot of it is him not taking responsibility for his own life and there isn't much you can do about that.
You admitted (and kudos to you for admitting the things you've done, I hope you don't take the blame for everything or make up faults on your part to justify his behavior because that's not necessary of you or anyone else for that matter) being neurotic, demeaning, critical, withholding sex and for a man that is having trouble communicating with his wife, that is a killer. I can't speak for him but everytime I looked at my wife, it was like a reminder how much I was the mosted hated person in the world to her but she could be fine & normal to everyone else so everytime I looked at her it reminded me of how much I had "failed" her, I now don't do this to myself anymore, personal happiness is just that, personal happiness, you can't blame someone else for you not being happy, that's alot of pressure and in the end it's just not fair. Don't blame yourself for him being unhappy or immature.
You mentioned being visibly bored and unenthusiastic about sex, that's a kiler for men too when alot of men view that connection as love with their wives, without it, the resentment grows, we start questioning why we're not good enough, what's wrong with us,etc.
Again this isn't all on you, you both did things to kill the attraction between the 2 of you, it isn't just all him and it isn't just all you either.
I read that part about "...I felt I was f*cking a boy not a man." and all I can say .... OUCH! If he ever felt that coming from you, I'm sure that killed his self-esteem and increased his anger & resentment of you. It's that recurring theme of wanting to be a big & powerful man and feeling like a little boy around you and wanting to escape his married life to pursue what he perceived couldn't be attained with his life with you.
The thing about feeling like a man vs. a boy, I remember feeling like a boy, ineffectual, powerless, never having any control, etc. That's a personal state, as much as my wife contributed to that feeling (and believe me she did), in the end, I got to feeling the way I do currently by doing the work that was necessary and to stop using crutches & excuses in my life. Excuses don't explain, and explanations don't excuse - an old fart taught me that and it's stuck with me for the last 2 years. In a nutshell you are where you are today because you got there yourself and you'll get where you really want to go & be in life by getting there yourself because you own your life, you control your life (you don't control anyone else, trust me) and you are responsible for your own life. Once I finally understood this (really understood it), that's when things started to change.
I'm not living a perfect life now, far from it but it sure is way more enjoyable and there is a great satisfaction knowing that how I currently live my life is largely by my design and no one elses. I'm happy, I have a spring in my step (and it ain't because I use irish spring in the shower, I use axe body wash LOL!), I laugh alot, have a ton of fun and I communicate that in my body language - my friends just smile when they're around me, they're biggest complaint about me now is that they don't see me enough (I'm busy, life is very fast paced) and that's a huge compliment about how I'm living now. The phone used to be quiet, now it's off the !@#$% hook, it's silly sometimes.
I'm going to comment on the rest of your posts, I'll take them apart piece by piece and reply accordingly.
AAK if I have to say anything above & beyond these replies, it's that you seem to have a great PMA, it translates in the way you talk and that's awesome because that means you are heading towards great things in life, with or without your husband. If he doesn't value you or the relationship he had with you, it is his loss, especially when you've taken responsibility for the things you've done (not what he's done, that's on him).
