I know my WAW is afraid of trusting and being hurt/disappointed again. Everything she is doing right now is to protect against that happening. Only thing I can do is show consistent action that I "get it" and have "changed" and then, only then, will she every maybe allow herself to be open to the possibility we can make things work. Probably never going to happen, but me doing what I am doing will help me with or without her.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
You are not listening to her. You make her feel insecure and are feeding her feelings of insecurity. Sounds a little like you are losing control and it's making you feel insecure. See the dynamic there?
Quote:
I have not problems asking for what I want. W has gone along with my wants for a long time. (I didn't know she was going along...I thought that she just agreed). Therefore, she has felt controlled by me too.
Quote:
Now she has become the controlling one.
So who really was the controlling one?
Has she ever told you she feels invisible, smothered, or a lost soul?
You can handle this. You just need to have some compassion for her.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are not listening to her. You make her feel insecure and are feeding her feelings of insecurity. Sounds a little like you are losing control and it's making you feel insecure. See the dynamic there?
Quote:
I have not problems asking for what I want. W has gone along with my wants for a long time. (I didn't know she was going along...I thought that she just agreed). Therefore, she has felt controlled by me too.
Quote:
Now she has become the controlling one.
So who really was the controlling one?
Has she ever told you she feels invisible, smothered, or a lost soul?
You can handle this. You just need to have some compassion for her.
Cheers
Yes. I have been the controlling one. I just didn't know it.
Yes, she has said that she has felt smothered and invisible. Yes, I am losing control. I'd like to think that it's more of a giving up control rather than losing it, but you pretty much got it.
I am listening to her, but my attempts to stop making her feel more insecure backfire on me. Giving up is the only thing that seems to make a difference.
Any suggestions? I'm open.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Your wife doesn't want you to fix her. She wants your support, attention, love and interest. You don't give up, that makes her feel insecure, you give her space to be on her own two feet. Stop chasing her.
You can't stop her from leaving. You shouldn't enable her or be a doormat. You focus on yourself. A lot of times we call it script but our spouses usually have pretty good insight into us. Something about your behavior is causing her to walk. Improve and grow. You will attract your wife back by your actions. Confidence is a killer chick magnet. It means you can take care of business. You want your wife you don't need her. Control is needy, insecure and a fraud. Confidence is the tool to handle any situation regardless of the circumstances. That's what loving detachment is - I want you and you might choose to leave, I will thrive either way. Her actions won't dictate your success because that is your responsibility. When I coach I'll take a player with heart anyday they thrive under adversity. Make your mind up that this is just a challenge that you must show your true character in. You are the man in the arena.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
