I never challenged her on it. Sometimes I think I should, but for the most part it isn't worth getting into, especially now. She is not a bad mother, she doesn't neglect them or anything. She used to say she didn't want kids when we were first dating. When the first one was born she had bad post-partum depression, and her mom died while she was pregnant with the second. I was going to school all day Saturdays leaving her alone with the two of them. I think she started resenting me being away all day while she was home with them. She never told me this, of course, and if she had I would have left school for her and gone back later.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Does anyone have any advice on parents and WAW? My folks are torn and don't know how to interact with W right now. W is upset because she thinks they are avoiding her and are alienating her for what she is doing. They tell me they don't want to do or say anything to mess up our R. They asked me if they should call her and explain their feelings for her and about the whole mess. I don't know what to tell them.
Thanks.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You know the people involved better than we do. If you believe that your family has something to say that would be nice for W to hear, then yes, they should call her and say it. On the other hand, if your family would call her and say angry things, then no, they should not call her. People have differing social abilities and tact. If your family is tact-deficient, don't have them call, at least not until after the weekend. But if they are the kind of people who know how to soothe ruffled feathers, by all means, call.
My parents are very tactful. Im more afraid of W's reaction. I think even if they tried to speak to her in a loving manner, which they would, she would still think they were trying to manipulate her or something. All they want to say to her is that they love her and want what is best for everyone. They hope we stay together, but if we don't, they are ready to keep her in their lives since we have the kids, and that they will always be there for them. I wonder if anything can be said to her right now without her ruffling her own feathers.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I think you're dead on. There's point where anything said just seems like a tool of manipulation to a WAS. I'm learning a lot about that myself. You could offer the cure for cancer and the WAS wouldn't want it. Wouldn't believe you anyway.
I don't see that your fam's involvement could help. But it could possibly do harm.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
O I agree with EB. I think your parents should act like you're acting around her (or supposed too ), friendly but no R talk at all...Anything else will seem like pressure to her, no matter how nice and well meaning your parents are.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Ditto. Why can't everyone just get together for a nice meal or something and talk in a friendly matter about ..... nothing in particular? It's sad if they've been avoiding her because they don't know "what to say". Well, they don't have to "say" anything, as regards your relationship, nor IMHO should they. This thing is muddy enough with two people in it.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I'm in agreement with you guys. She isn't ready to hear anything from anyone. As far as my folks avoiding her, she always used to call my mom, especially after hers died. She stopped calling and mom was confused, but didn't want to stir the pot by contacting her. There is no malice here, just everyone wanting to do the right thing. Mom tried to get us all over there for dinner last weekend, but W wasn't having any part of it. My folks will be at our block party this weekend, we'll see how they interact then.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I'm in agreementwith you guys. She isn't ready to hear anything from anyone. As far as my folks avoiding her, she always used to call my mom, especially after hers died. She stopped calling and mom was confused, but didn't want to stir the pot by contacting her. There is no malice here, just everyone wanting to do the right thing. Mom tried to get us all over there for dinner last weekend, but W wasn't having any part of it. My folks will be at our block party this weekend, we'll see how they interact then.
A confident answer would simply be: "I agree." And that is to us. Don't need to us all about your wife, what she did, and what she might do.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ok, I was trying to show her general attitude right now.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
), friendly but no R talk at all...Anything else will seem like pressure to her, no matter how nice and well meaning your parents are.