So, it seems that in my backing off, H is finally taking that more seriously. Last week, 4 invitations from him, this week zero. As a matter of fact, I almost caved in assuming he was going to invite me again, but he didn't, was actually quite funny.
Yesterday, he checked me out from head to toe and I could see the "what the heck is up with her expression."
Let's just say there is an iota of hope for this M, with my lease ending and major decisions having to made, do you think it is that I get my own place, we make our sep. agreement (possibly file for D depending on which makes more logistical sense), he has his own life and I have mine and somehow it goes full circle and after he really experiences his rock star fantasy (with all the trimmings, both negative and positive) then, and only then, perhaps we reunite?
On the upside, I am ready to move on, I am dating, I am looking for my own place, I am ready to file.
There is still a tiny part of me that looks at the kids and looks at our finances and our 14 years together and thinks, "are we really going to f*cking do this?" I mean this is going to cause some serious damage. So, I am aware that I've got that tiny part that somehow magically wants to save the ship before it sinks...In a way though, I think it is like in our marriage where I was always trying to keep him from hitting rock bottom because I didn't want to go down with him. But, if we separate completely and legally, his plummet is his problem...only caveat is that I am financially dependent and it'll take time to be self sufficient.
Anyway, I think I've answered my own question. We are beginning to settle into a new paradigm. He has gone from constantly texting and being in my business to backing off. It is different than most sitches in that way, so it seems so counterintuitive, kind of pushing him out of the nest, "you say you want to go, then f*cking go," right?
This is an odd space but potentially a middle phase for us or perhaps the end.
He seems very MLC now, losing weight (urgently because he is going to work with rock star again), honing a new hipster look, studying about his psychic abilities, out every single night, hundreds of friends on FB, pictures of him with models (though that has toned down for now)...
Just looking for a sort of pick me up, I guess. Late nights and early mornings are tough when I get that "this can't really be happening feeling" and missing my kids etc. but overall doing awesome, exercising, going out...
