I had the talk discussed above with her tonight. I took some of your thoughts gima. Kind of a "you know how I feel...I want to work on our family...I think things could be great..but I accept that you don't feel the same way and it's time for you to go..." type conversation.
"We need to talk about health ins, car ins, filing for D or sep..." Very hard conversation. I think it took some of the fun out of it for her.
I told her that I had hoped she would see the changes and it would e enough. Basically she has had such a hard time believing the changes because they seem like things I have been doing just to change her mind. More "you're just trying to control me" stuff.
I innsured her this wasn't the case and her line of thinking kind of made impossible to ever do anything and have it seen in a positive light. (everything I do is seen through colored lenses) ut it didn't really matter now since she had to go.
She seemed to leave the door open for the future in an odd way. She doesn't want to file for D yet. Just be separated.
More details tomorrow when not on phone.
Hard conversation but necessary. Thankfully there is still a lot of numness to get me through.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
As I was laying stuff out last night, I realized that she wasn't as prepared for all of this as she seems to think that she is.
She doesn't want to file. She just wants to move out. She has no plans for health insurance. She doesn't want to go through dividing up our stuff. She doesn't have a place yet (I thought she did), doesn't have a realtor, doesn't have much $$ for a downpayment. I asked why she is looking to buy instead of rent and she sais the payments are a lot cheaper (she may be right). Then she followed that if we work things out between us, we can figure out what to do with the second place then. ----work things out?????? She said something to this affect before. Previously I said that if we're going to start trying to work this out, let's start trying...before we go through all of this. This time I did my 180 and just went with it.
For some reason she feels she needs this. She has such issues with control all she sees is "the bad man is out to get me." I have wondered how someone can watch their husband who loves them so much try so hard to be a good many for them then respond by being hurtful and angry. It's making a little more sense now though. She's so "fogged" up right now that every time she sees the changes, she sees them as my way of getting her to do what I want her to do.
We spent the rest of the night apart after the conversation, but I really do think that it took some of the kick out of it for her. It seems like the reason that she has been so adamant about moving out is that she wanted to show me that I can't "control" her. This is rediculous.
As far as I know, she is still planning on going, but she is leaving the door open for reconsiling. WTF?
Anyone have any experience with getting through to someone with major control issues? (W's mom is a control monger...I blame her)
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Since her name isn't on our mortgage, she qualifies as a first time home buyer and can get an FHA loan for her new place. What a kick to the balls. Since I bought her her first home, it makes it easier for her to leave me! The icing on the cake is that I initially built the business that she now runs and will fund her new life with. Score two for me!
This is just the gift that keeps on giving!!!!!
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Don't get to bogged down here, it sounds like there is a real possibility that some space will be good. Maybe for both of you. You need to just focus on your feelings and not try and analyze her actions and get all worked up about them.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
First, I agree with JKL that there is hope here. She's conflicted, and that's good.
Second,
Quote:
She's so "fogged" up right now that every time she sees the changes, she sees them as my way of getting her to do what I want her to do.
Have you told her about your changes or have you let her just see them. If you told her, "hey look at me, look at what I am doing to get you to stay..." then she DID see it as controlling her. I'm not saying you did. But, remember, it's her PERCEPTION that is her reality irght now, not true reality.
If you told her of your changes, don't go there again. Let her see them by what you DO, not SAY.
At this point, you are taking the right action. Back off now that you have set out the reality of what SHE will have to deal with. And let her deal with it. DO NOT try to fix it for her or save her from this. That will backfire.
Stay the course. The conversation you had yesterday took a lot of guts. You should be proud of yourself. Get back to work on detaching. The more she sees you pulling back in a healthy way, the more it is going to force her to deal with the reality of the consequences of her decision - HER decision.
Anyone have any experience with getting through to someone with major control issues?
People who want to control are usually very insecure about something and it is a way for them feel better. What is your wife afraid of?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Have you told her about your changes or have you let her just see them.
I had not told her of changes. I just let her see them. She even mentioned the changes on more than one occasion.
As part of the conversation last night though, I did end up telling her that I have changed a lot and specifically made a point not to tell her. I just wanted her to see them. I said that I am sure that she sees them as empty promises and not lasting. She agreed. She said it is hard to see anything that I do right now as anything other than a tool for me to get my way. I told her that I was hoping that she would stay long enough to see that this is the new reality. I followed that by telling her that I see it's not going to happen now and that I accept that she is going to have to go.
It seems that the main reason that she wants to go is because she knew I wanted her to stay.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
It seems that the main reason that she wants to go is because she knew I wanted her to stay.
So, you have told her you can't stop her (not trying to control), and she knows where you are coming from. Step back, and act consistent with this message.
Coach's question is a great one (as always). What is she afraid of?
Also, her telling you she thinks you are controlling her or trying to is itself a form of control she is asserting/trying to over you.
Anyone have any experience with getting through to someone with major control issues?
People who want to control are usually very insecure about something and it is a way for them feel better. What is your wife afraid of?
W's mom is a real control monger. That's the start of it.
I am a pretty straight forward kind of guy who has always called it like I see it. I have not problems asking for what I want. W has gone along with my wants for a long time. (I didn't know she was going along...I thought that she just agreed). Therefore, she has felt controlled by me too.
Now she talks about losing freedom, identity, etc. Essentially she is afraid of losing control. She has been in control since this has started. She knows it. Now she has become the controlling one. (she doesn't see this yet though)
It's hard for a guy like me to get all of this. If you want to be your "true self" just do it. If you want to be heard...speak up. That's always been how I thought. I can see now that it's not as easy for someone like her as it is for me though.
Either way, I need a break now. I knew I'd get to this point eventually. Still numb though. I am sure I will crash sooner or later.
I am so tired.
It's odd. I cycle between being angry at her and feeling sorry for her.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
