Venting thread for HD Wives

[GraniteRose]

Hi HP:

he knew you wanted sex and, worse, were expecting it and right now that is a death wish on his libido.

Interesting thought. I don't *think* I gave off any anticipatory vibes. I didn't say or do anything overtly that I thought would have given the impression. I did say that I'd had a really fun evening and he concurred that he'd had fun, too. That was all that was said. Ah well . . .

He can't treat me like a friend all day and then BAM! want me to switch to red hot lover when he deems the time right. I need the anticipatory foreplay, as you do.

And for me, just a wink of the eye or a raising of an eyebrow (or some such 'sign') is enough to set my mind into high gear. My imagination does a wonderful job of priming the pump, so to speak. This is what happened last Wednesday, when the C made my H commit to having sex that night. We were both well-primed by the appointed time. I don't understand why knowing in advance on that night affected my H differently.

You will get there, but it is going to be a rough road. I know it is so tempting to get your hopes up, but try to stay realistic and realize that this is a major change that is going to occur in your relationship and it will take time and tears to make it a reality.

I have no doubt it will be difficult and as you say it's two steps forward and one step back. I can be patient with slow progress because it *is* progress.

I don't mean this to in ANY way discourage you, but I think you need to consider the fact that your H's libido might stay low, even after the counseling.

I suppose it depends on one's definition of low. To me, once a month was not only low it was unacceptable to me. During session with C, H agreed. To others, once or twice a week is low and yet that's fine for me and with encouragement from C, my H agreed that once or twice a week was entirely reasonable and furthermore, he also agreed it was something he could see himself doing.

And yet, here is where my feelings are conflicted. In SSM, Michele advises the LD spouses to "Just do it" whether one feels like it or not; that once into it, it gets better. OK. I can see that, but I sure don't want *my* H doing it just because he feels obligated to do it. I want him to do it because he desires me and I turn him on.

I agree that his former relationships have done a number on his confidence but he played his part in it, too. The fact that he allowed the sex to take a nosedive in his first marriage, with little to no complaint from him, is an indication to me that it might not be that great of a physical need for him.

Actually I think he did put up a fight and that was when the ex started sleeping with the baby in the bed. And I knew him first only about 1-1.5 yrs prior to his first marriage and believe me, the phrase might not be that great of a physical need for him. definitely did NOT apply to him. The first ex pulled some rotten stuff on him in his efforts to see his son (who was only 5 or 6 at the time), telling the court outright lies that the court chose to believe over my H. And the laundry list of all this goes on and on.

I know that we can't change the past, but he has some nasty, powerful memories. He needs to forgive himself and accept the fact that they are just that. Only memories.

I guess what I am saying is to keep your expectations realistic

I'm trying. I do love him very much and I'm hoping that in addition to our shared issue, the therapy will help him become a happier person overall.

Thanks for listening and I will definitely fill you in on what transpires tomorrow. I'm debating now whether to read the 'letter' to him tonight so he has time to mull over what I intend to take up tomorrow night, rather than blind-siding him with it at the C session.

Barbara