I think this letter may need some modification as it seems a bit too accusatory and complaining. That might upset your H too much and put him off. I mean think how you would feel if he wrote a similar thing to you. It is a good idea to write something down but try and put it as positively as possible, although still being honest of course. You should say something nice to start off with tho, to set the tone. Don't talk negatively about your H , and avoid using generalisations eg "You’re so closed off; I never get any indication that you’re turned on". Talk about how something specific made you feel. For example: when you didn't give me any advance warning you planned to initiate sex I felt pressured to go ahead even though I was not really in the mood myself, as I had spent all day trying not to get aroused as I didn't want to feel disappointed/frustrated, consequently I did not find it as satisfying as I would have if I had more time to think about it in advance.
Hope this is good advice, I got it out of some self help book or other. Always use "I" statements. But I agree with you that you should talk about this with the C present. Keep up the being nice bit too. Remember he is trying (very trying!). Actually I just made up that bit above about you not being in the mood because you had spent all day trying not to get in it.But I guess that is what I do, and I am thinking you may be the same. So if this is true then the point is you will be more ready for spontaneous sex when it becomes a more regular occurance, and if you do feel like it and make a move you don't get shot down in flames.
Anyway remember put all your rant into positive "I" statements
Quote: You weren't as relaxed, there was no sense of fun or happiness about it.
I honestly thought you would choose Saturday night after going out and having a fun time, we were relaxed and in good moods. I was so looking forward to making love to you that night.
You know – it’s OK to tell your wife she excites you. It’s OK to have fun. It’s OK to have the lights on and ‘talk’ during sex.
You can say all that. Here is my translation:
When you are in a happy and relaxed mood at the time you initiate I feel as if you are enjoying the sex as much as I do. I feel that sex should be as much fun as the other things we do together, and that we should take our time and talk or joke while we do it. When it is too rushed and serious I feel that you do not much enjoy it, then I feel worried that this may be because you do not really find me attractive.
That's just to give you an idea of how it works by the way, I am just guessing at your feelings based on what you said.
Maybe you could give your letter to the counsellor to read first and ask him if he thinks you have expressed yourself well.
Well that's enough advice for now. I'm going to post something on my own thread and you can come give me advice to get me back!
