Hi Granite, I just wanted to say that I have been where you are. I personally think that the pressure they put on themselves overrides any sexy thoughts or feelings, to the point that they in effect talk themselves out of sex entirely. I really believe that's what happened Sat night..he knew you wanted sex and, worse, were expecting it and right now that is a death wish on his libido.
It took me a long time to get across to my H what desire and passion mean to me. And that I am not a faucet that he can turn on and off at his will. He can't treat me like a friend all day and then BAM! want me to switch to red hot lover when he deems the time right. I need the anticipatory foreplay, as you do. I had to tell him time and time again, in gory detail, what this meant to me and what I would love him to do. I could literally see and feel the tenseness as he tried it out the first few times. It is not natural to him, but nonetheless he is good at it!
I think that you two are on the right track with the counseling. You will get there, but it is going to be a rough road. I know it is so tempting to get your hopes up, but try to stay realistic and realize that this is a major change that is going to occur in your relationship and it will take time and tears to make it a reality. I have often thought that getting our sex life back on track was a Two steps forward, one step back thing. The end result is that we are moving forward but in a slow and halting fashion, with lots of bumps and potholes along the way.
Also, and I don't mean this to in ANY way discourage you, but I think you need to consider the fact that your H's libido might stay low, even after the counseling. I agree that his former relationships have done a number on his confidence but he played his part in it, too. The fact that he allowed the sex to take a nosedive in his first marriage, with little to no complaint from him, is an indication to me that it might not be that great of a physical need for him. I'm CERTAIN that it bothered him, though. I guess what I am saying is to keep your expectations realistic and to prepare yourself for the possibility that his libido might not ever be that of a "normal" man.(whatever THAT is, ha ha!) I now have a satisfying (though not perfect) sex life with my H, after years of heartache. I am so envious of you--I wish we had pounced on the problem when it first appeared, as you two are! That is so smart of you..
