riding the big roller coaster...

[hopeinwaiting]

Do you really want this guy back?

Burt

Don't know. Yes, of course. But not "this guy", and I don't want my old relationship. A new relationship would take time and I don't know if that's even possible since he is "in love" with OW. No matter. Really broke lots of db rules last night so here goes:

Get home at 8, H comes outside:

H: how are you, since when do you wear lipstick
M: I wear it everyday. (he shrugs, and says never mind)
H: HIW you say ok, but I really want to know how you are, you always say fine on the phone, and what I hear is "none of your f*(% business", maybe I'm being selfish, but I really want to know how you are, emotionally. I worry about you and the girls and I care about you and want to know if you are ok.
M: Well, that's all I can say, I'm ok. I don't know what else you want. I don't ask you about your life and this is the position that you have chosen to be in. These are the choices that you have made and I am just focusing on me.
H: I know, this whole thing is just so F*($& up. (starts to cry just a little).

We talk about our relationship, he expresses that he didn't feel loved by me. I apologize for my neglect of him and my focus on school and work. I tell him that I sincerely wish it had not been that way and that the things I did were for the good of the family, not intended to make him feel unloved. Then he starts to wonder what happened to us and I say that he lost his curiosity in me and he says, "i know and I am so mad that I did". I asked him what his gameplan was and he said he didn't have one. I say, ok, you don't need one, but you do need to think about the long term consequences of your choices. I tell him that I know that I'm the hard path and that human nature is to go with the easy path but that whatever he chooses he should be the one doing it - not me, not anyone else. He agrees.

He says that he has never fended for himself and that he is finally doing that. I say, I don't understand how you think that you were not contributing to this household... (financially, we are both screwed now). He says if I need more $, he'll give me more $. I say that $ is not what I need.

Basically, we talked about the relationship and I tried to convey that I take responsibility for my shortcomings without giving the idea that I think what he is doing now is ok. Nevertheless, it could be interpreted as pressuring and I guess that draws him closer to OW.

He hugged me tight and then grabbed my face and gave me a kiss on the nose, forehead and both cheeks. So, once again, he loves me but is not in love with me and he may be mad about that but there's nothing he can do about it. I don't even think that he is physically attracted to me anymore.