SH IM sorry I know its not what we want to hear all I cn say is get your own L although your H seems civil this becomes a business deal now my xh was also vwry generous during our seperation little did I know he was spending everything in our business and on OW money that was legally half mine After the D MY xh REFUSES now to buy or give the kdis anything No school suppllies, haircuts, clothes or anything they may need no doctor bills he only pays his child support he tells them to ask MOM he used to buy it all for them He is a reall a$$ so cover yourself they turn colder/stranger after the D well mine did peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I do feel that H's intentions are good. But now that we're headed for D, I can't put all my trust in him. I can only judge him on past behavior. While he has always been very generous, I know that he hasn't given me a fraction of what he's earned, like he said he would. He's not a saver and will spend whatever he gets on himself and whatever else happens to be in his life at the moment. If he asks me to trust him again, I'm going to tell him that I trusted him when he promised to love me forever and look how that turned out. His dictionary has a different definition for the word forever, I guess.
Have to admit that I haven't lost any sleep over my phone call with H. I've spent the last 3 years+ anticipating and preparing for that conversation. And we've had similar conversations 2 years back. So until we actually sit down with the lawyers, that's when I'm expecting it to hit me.
I imagine I'll be listing all the things wrong with H to justify the D and to convince myself that I'm ok with it. Wonder how long that will work for me...
SH, I am very sorry to hear the news. I totally agree that you should get your own lawyer. I also agree that D is just paperwork, and H may come back later. D does free both of you from obligations and to move on. In a sense, you can think of H acting more mature in making the decision and taking the initiative to taking this step (whether he has the "right" reasons or not). You are right that things will change in the future and it is better to get everything on paper rather than "working it out when the time comes". You two can always still "work it out" later.
I am so sorry to hear this. All I want to say is, take care of yourself. Take care.
Thanks oc, but really - I am unfazed by the talk. My body has been showing signs of stress (which I actually don't mind - needed to shed a few pounds anyways), but I haven't been thinking about it and I've totally been able to function normally.
I feel that it really is a rash decision that he suddenly wants to file when he's remained stagnant all this time. Found out that he had spoken to friend and his wife the night he called me. I think wife, meaning well, said some things that pushed him to think this is the right thing to do. I don't think he came to this decision out of any sort of growth on his own part. Funny, because when I asked him why now, I was waiting for him to use the 2 phrases I used: closure and moving on - which he did, and which immediately told me he had spoken to friend.
The D may very well go through, but I will let him initiate everything and be the one to get things in motion. I'm slightly annoyed - I know friend means well, but I don't think she has any concept of MLC and how this is their own personal journey to be completed on MLCer's own timeline. I won't be surprised if H goes running back in to his hole. If he doesn't and continues to try to reconnect, then that's great. I'm hesitant to open up and make myself vulnerable because I don't trust H enough at this point and don't know how sincere he is in wanting to know how I really am. Not sure he's ready to face up to what he's done. Thinking back on the conversation, he did seem different, but pretty much all of his expectations of D were out of whack, which really shows he hasn't given it much thought.
After H gets back, I'll give him 2 weeks to set a date for us to meet up alone. If he doesn't do it in that time, I doubt he will anytime soon.
And the saga continues...
(btw, going with what my gut tells me here. or am i just in denial?)
...and I do realize I'm being very choosey on how I want H to reconnect, so I will take advantage of this opportunity and do what I can to work on the R...assuming he continues on this path...
H returned from his trip. Texted/called FIVE TIMES to change his plans on how/where/when he would pick kids up. In the end, went with the (almost) original plan.
When it was time for me to pick them up, H changed the plans again. Then at the very last minute, he invited me to join them to eat. I was hesitant to go, mostly because I don't want to get in this habit of barking when H says bark. But I hadn't eaten, my boys love when the four of us are together, and I figured it might be a good opportunity to be friendly with H. So I went. H chose a restaurant that we used to frequent, where the waitress knew us well. I arrived late (since H invited me when they were almost there already). Waitress was so happy to see me and the kids. Not sure if H has been going there all these years, but I have not. Called us Mr. & Mrs. like she always does. Weird, but then again not really... Commented on how kids had grown and how long it had been since we had been there. The last time we were there was just post bomb - H had told me how much money he was borrowing and when I freaked out over the amount, he told me "don't f-ing ask any more questions". So glad that that H isn't around anymore and glad that this last eating experience kind of erased the memories of the last time there.
I asked H about his trip and he was very open about it. Even said that he told kids he'd like to bring them there (even though I already brought them there last year...).
No mention of the D, or even when we should get together to discuss it. Just going to wait and see if he brings it up. If he doesn't, I think I'm ready to gently force the issue, so I'll ask him.
