I have decided to start a new thread for HD wives, girlfriends etc to come and vent. I noticed that of late there are a lot more of "us" out here. I think that it is a little harder for us women to be the HD spouse than the men because it is against the norm or what society view as the norm. If the men find it hard to have to initiate, pursue and "beg" for sex it is a lot harder for a woman, believe me. I think that in a SSM there are only two things you can do. You either choose to live with it or you leave. If you expect change, you're in for a long haul and most likely will be disappointed.
Ok, I'll start off the venting now girls. First a little history. H and I have been together for 10 years and we're married for 2 1/2 years. I am now 2 months pregnant and we have another little girl aged 1 1/2. we lived together for about 4-5 years before we married. It was only the last year of living together before marriage that I noticed the difference in our libido. It has only gotten worse after I became pregnant and had a child. I did everything I could to set things right, talked about it nicely for months at first and when that still didn't work became very frustrated and started arguing about it. That only made things worse and started threatening other areas of my marriage that were right and wonderful to begin with. I also tried to change myself, be less naggy etc and tried my best to make H happy without the pressure. I thought I was doing such a good job too. Well as it turned out, I wasn't. H and I had a big argument over the weekend and I found out that none of the things I thought I was doing so well felt that way to him at all. Hence my starting this new thread.
Oh, I feel rather miserable right now. H told me a lot of things in our argument. He told me that he was tired of me complaining all the time, about not having sex, about him not wanting to read the 'love languages' book I bought for us, about him not helping me enough around the house and with the baby and now about my morning sickness. He says he is not longer sympathetic about it with me as I have exhausted all my avenues with him by complaining all the time. He told me to be a stronger person and even told me I could go and have an affair or whatever if that is what it will take to leave him alone. Oh wow! And all this time he put on such a happy face and I thought I was doing a good job in being a good wife.
I really don't know what to do now. I guess I will just leave him alone like he wants and concentrate on coping without asking him for help since he wants me to be stronger. Divorce is not an option for me so I suppose I will just have to make the best of everything and live with the sitch.
What does everyone else think? All the HD wives are welcome to vent here as much as they want. LH
Quote: All the HD wives are welcome to vent here as much as they want. LH
Thanks, LH. I may be back later this week if H blows off the part of our homework assignment where before Wednesday H has to initiate sex. I figured it would happen Saturday night as I took him out for dinner and a couple hours of shooting pool. We had a great time, were relaxed and happy and I thought for sure, "Tonight is the night." But no. I didn't say anything and kept my disappointment to myself (figuring we still have a few more days), but if we get to Wednesday and he's blown this off, then I will be back here to vent.
So, lets see...you guys had an argument and instead of responding in a way that would be helpful....would more than likely mean him owning his part in the problems....he turns it all around on you. You be the bad girl LH and that keeps him from having to face his issues and how they negatively affect the marriage. He succeeded in making you feel miserable and he has also succeeded in causing you to give up to the point that you are going to start living with the status quo. Boy, he is good!!
He laid a load of shame on you because it's easier than handling his own shame over his inability to give you what any normal, self-respecting wife has a right to expect from a husband and a marriage. He is tired of listening you and no longer has any sympathy for you and your situation? He is so focused on avoiding the discomfort of having to deal with the situation that he is willing to dump on his pregnant wife. I'm sorry but it smells a little narcissistic to me.
My ex used to roll his eyes at me. So dismissive. Oh, he never came out and said the things your husband did but I'm sure he was thinking them. I discussed, prodded him to try and do something to make it better. He would apathetically comply with my wishes and then things would carry on as they had always been. For years I thought it was something about me...he lacked enough love for me. I see him doing the same things to his children now and I know how much the man loved them. He absolutely will not get involved in discussing with them or doing anything that might mean him having to change in anyway no matter how much pain they express to him that they are feeling.
You know what he does do though...he turns it around on them. He makes it about them needing too much or asking too much or their feelings are wrong or they should just sweep it under the rug and move on. He asks them why they are still angry after all this time or tells them they are silly to be angry. He goes to great extremes to get out of participating in something that might cause him discomfort even if it means his children have to suffer pain.
It's called emotional apathy and people who suffer from it will transfer their problems to you every time. What do I think you should do? I think you should put down The 5 Languages of Love and pick up a book on setting boundaries.
During my marriage I pleaded, changed, turned myself inside out to try and cause change and it did nothing at all except cause me more and more pain and feelings of rejection. My 19 year old told me the other night that I had extended him an open invitation to walk all over me. He said, "mom, the first time you ask someone not to walk all over your feelings. The second time you tell them not to walk all over your feelings and you tell them the consequences of walking all over your feelings and you let them know you mean what you say." He is a smart kid.
LH, your husband your husband is failing to understand something and maybe it's because you are failing to send him to proper message. Whatever his reasons for dismissing your feelings his words and actions toward his pregnant wife are contemptable and he should be told that. Cathy
I know im a guy and probably should not be posting on the venting thread for HD Women. I will tell you that I have had the conversation with my W that she has told me to go and find some one else to have sex with so that I will leave her alone. I really don't have any advice but just thought I would share.
I so wish I had a HD W it would make my life so much easier.
Hi luvhubby. I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry to hear about your argument over the weekend and that your husband is acting like a complete jerk. Considering all that you're going through right now being pregnant, and for that matter even if you weren't pregnant, nobody deserves that kind of treatment from their spouse. I feel terrible for you because things seemed to be going so well and I know from personal experience how you feel. If I could give you a big hug through this messageboard, believe me, I would. Hopefully you just caught him when he was on edge and he'll realize what a jerk he's been and give you a massive apology. I'm sorry that I don't really have any advice - just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.
I thought I was HD my Ex LD. Well i found out Ex was in reality VLD (very low desire) I am actually AD (average desire) My new LF is definately HD. Quite a shocker. I'm not complaining, only amazed as what I thought was reality was not.
I almost feel like a LD spouse at times. Very scary me a LD.
Ex had me down to 1 or twice every 6 to 8 weeks. All I wanted was 2 a week.
Now it could theoretically be as much as possible. Very strange for me and scary at the same time.
PS. where were all you HD women when I was dating???
Quote: I figured it would happen Saturday night as I took him out for dinner and a couple hours of shooting pool. We had a great time, were relaxed and happy and I thought for sure, "Tonight is the night." But no. I didn't say anything and kept my disappointment to myself (figuring we still have a few more days), but if we get to Wednesday and he's blown this off, then I will be back here to vent.
Hi GR,
Its hard to be full of expectations and anticipation only to be disappointed isn't it? Anyway, you still have till Wed like you said. And take comfort that at least you're going to counselling and your H recognises there is a problem and is 'trying'. Good luck. LH
I was venting earlier on and have managed to make my H sound like an absolute monster haven't I?
We argued on Sat night, (I was the one who started the arguement while he kept on asking me to go and rest because I and the baby needed it but being me, I couldn't let it go). My H is a very positive person and me, I am more pessimistic and he is right in that I complain a lot. Earlier on in our R he did a lot of things for me (and continues to do so) but I never made him feel appreciated, I only complained. I think his need to feel appreciated goes deeper in that he had a poor R with his mum. He was never a favourite and he tried all her life to please her only to be rejected time and again. Thats why when I am not thankful for the little things he does for me he feels it much more than others.
Anyway, on Sun, he was sweet as ever. We went to buy breakfast as usual and then we took our toddler to the park, she's just learned to walk so we took some videos of her stepping out. Later in the afternoon we went to the shopping mall and he was mindful to put his arm around me. In the evening he made some herbal chicken soup for me (this coming from a man who does not even know how to differentiate between onions and garlics) and he made sure I got some good daytime nap by looking after D. On Monday, he came home and asked me, how come I didn't receive any email from you today hon? (we normally email each other quite often to catch up with each other) and I told him "I don't wish to complain".
Although he may have meant some of what he said, its said mostly in anger and frustration so I won't hold it against him. My H is very closed up when it comes to emotional communication, he is very non-verbal and is very uncomfortable in discussing these things. Are most men like that? Was your ex like that too?
Cathy you are right in that I too am ready to sweep the SSM issue under the carpet too the way he wants to do. Its probably the wrong thing to do but right now I have other priorities ie to take care of myself and my baby.
Thanks for your input. Its very much appreciated. LH
I didn't say anything and kept my disappointment to myself (figuring we still have a few more days), but if we get to Wednesday and he's blown this off, then I will be back here to vent. 
