WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

When she sent me the text about printing pictures, I knew what it was for. It was for my 3 year old's new class room - each year they ask for an updated family picture for his cubby. So printing a picture wasn't for her, but it was for my son. I could have taken a path of just telling her to deal with it, but if it wasn't done, then he is the one that loses. I wanted to make sure it was done, just like I had done all the other years for him as well as his brother.

I was in a more upbeat/positive mood yesterday after my run so when I talked to my boys, it seemed like it really came across. A couple of times when she had gotten on the phone to cover something tactical, I could sense she wanted to chit chat, but each time I just thanked her for the info and asked to talk to the boys again. I knew the boys could hear as she had me on speakerphone so I could talk to both boys at the same time.

Either way I didn't let her affect my mood. Maybe that's the detachment everyone has been pushing me for.

Personally, I feel like I've done all the work that I could to save the marriage. She hasn't nor does she have any indication to do so. Whether she does or not, I will be fine and will do the best I can to make sure that the boys are as well.

So when she sent me the text about the pics, I didn't respond to be flirty, but did it to mess with her mind a little. I know she regretted sending the pictures, partly because she is worried what I would do with them. It was my way of reminding her that I may still have them (she had asked me to delete them).

My read on her response is that she's had a "What the heck?" moment. So, perhaps for a brief moment, she's wondering what the heck I am doing. Let her wonder. It's her turn to be in the dark.

I never answered her nor do I plan to.

I will try to stay upbeat and positive to enjoy my life. It does not do my boys any good to hear/see me sad/down. So when I call/see them, I will continue to try do so. When she talks to me, I will listen if it's relative to the kids and be polite but will not be "friendly" to chit chat.

I'm done trying to convince her that what she has done and is doing is wrong. If she wants to talk about it at a later date, that will be her initiative.

Either way, at least for the last 14 hours, I feel I will be fine. She will always be part of my life as the mother of my two boys. Whether she will ever be any more than that, who knows. I don't have the option to choose whether she will be the mother of my two boys, but I'm not even sure if I would want her back as my wife.

So do I want to live my life where I'm hurt/mad/disgusted every time I see her or do I continue to try and detach not let her affect my mood. Now if I can mess with her head a little bit to make her do a "What the heck?", even better.

So I'm still in a good point.... for now......