Hey PD, I would be interested to hear your take on the rebuilding a friendship. Do you think that that shouldnt be worried about until the bad behavior ends? Im kind of salty about the idea of being my H's friend...esp lately...
That's a hard question. How many of these "friendships" are truly friendships? How many people would be sustained by a friendship where you do all the giving? It's hard not to because it's someone you care about. I'd say that the "friendship", if you can even call it that, should be tempered. The LBS should be flitting in and out of it just like the WAS. At least half of invites to get together should be turned down. The WAS can be part of your life, but at YOUR convenience and when they initiate. During that time, be someone they can talk to and have a little fun with, but not necessarily just a repository for all their emotional junk. This is in the scenario where you aren't sure about the affair or there isn't one. I could certainly understand having NOTHING to do with your spouse as long as the affair is going on. It should be made really clear through your actions that your spouse has ZERO chance with you. Take a page from the WAS playbook....they tend to try to let you down easy by hanging around a bit.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
well had court today and she of course did not show (big suprise) anyway the judge is pissed at her asked me if she had a mental illness and I said idk... deprestion i guess?? he said well she is going to have to pull her head out of the sand and show.. he said there is kids involved and she needs to do her part he wont let her continue to get away with out paying her part. now I have to pay more money to have her served for the court date (thats later this month) just so when she blows that off they can get a warr. for her.
I just dont get WAS it makes no sense to go so far in debt have nothing left and blame LBS for all there problems.
WOW i just cant see why she gave up everything.. and for what? play with kids? have no future left?
she texted me HI this morning I didnt feel like responding I decided to go on my bike ride instead
this thing is so sick if i think about it too much but yeah he is 18 maybe he turned 19 by now. i call them the kids when i talk to anyone i know. he has a 17 year old GF and from what I hear he stays the night there sometimes. its just sick that all these kids are around her.... she has to be a joke to everyone she is around. I mean really almost 29 now and dressing like a kid that skates..
last night she texted me a few min later wanted to know how court went and if i told my lawyer everything... I never responded. (Bluerain)I have a hard time with the later confrontations with the why are you distant why dont you talk or why are you mad now??? I guess I dont know how to tell her she is being dumb with out saying it that way. its like dealing with a WAS you have to me an expert in mind games. because being strait to the point they know they screwed up they know you have everyright to be pissed off but to act like it and say it at the same time can cause them or at least my W to say im too UP/DN.
there has to be a ballance point where i can be distant but not seem pissed off.. because to her pissed off means walk away more
I don't think that her asking why you are mad is a bad thing. I don't think it means walking away more. I think she likes to reel you back in....take your temperature to see if you are still on the hook. And it apparently works like a charm...you reassure her that you are waiting in the wings. Don't let her reel you in anymore. The fact is, she isn't a catch. If she was a girl you just met, would you even seriously considering dating her? You need to be the one pushing her away and if she wants YOU back, she'll have to make the necessary changes.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
because being strait to the point they know they screwed up they know you have everyright to be pissed off but to act like it and say it at the same time can cause them or at least my W to say im too UP/DN.
there has to be a ballance point where i can be distant but not seem pissed off.. because to her pissed off means walk away more
I can't tell you how many messages I had on my phone and conversations to the same effect.
That said, there is no balance. Just cut communication all together except matters of kids (if any). Not only will you be giving her a dose of where life is headed post D, she will not be able to 'take your temp' or keep reeling you in, just to cast you back out. How many times do you want that process to repeat anyway?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
because being strait to the point they know they screwed up they know you have everyright to be pissed off but to act like it and say it at the same time can cause them or at least my W to say im too UP/DN.
there has to be a ballance point where i can be distant but not seem pissed off.. because to her pissed off means walk away more
I can't tell you how many messages I had on my phone and conversations to the same effect.
That said, there is no balance. Just cut communication all together except matters of kids (if any). Not only will you be giving her a dose of where life is headed post D, she will not be able to 'take your temp' or keep reeling you in, just to cast you back out. How many times do you want that process to repeat anyway?
when is enough then? when do you talk? see my point? you cant just stop talking if you want them to want u back.. and talking about the kids thats how she does this everytime
Once the conversation defers from the kids, END IT, politely yet firmly, "this does not pertain to the kids, and I do not feel like discussing the subject matter, goodbye".
I initiated this approach too late in my sitch. It did get my XW to think about things and be more rationale and maybe almost have a chance, but again, it was too late, atleast to save the M.
So if you don't want to heed that advice and continue to be a doormat, that is your decision alone to make and things will just get worse.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
