Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

Here's what I've read TEGH:

From 6/28/09:

I realize that I've made so many concessions for the sake of peace and a degree of tranquility that I have lost any sense of joy of romance that I once sought and had long ago. I’m more a butler. I serve her coffee in bed while she shops QVC or HSN before we go to work on weekdays, or where she lounges on weekends.

An incident the other day had me think about something I have not in a very long time: the thought of just walking away. No warning, no threats. Just walking away, particularly when I’m told, in so many words, that I can’t be angry or display anger.

From 7/05/09:

...this [marriage] has been a battle since day one. Being in a relationship should never be this much work and this much of a fight. It's not been compromise, its been me being in a continual state of conceding.

And what I learned from the outset was that it was ultimately better to "give in" than to "stick to my guns." And what have I given up? Well, the tangible things are things like my music (she doesn't like it and so my music and my very nice stereo system are put away), my mountain climbing and hiking, my skiing (I became an accomplished snow skier between marriages), most of my photography.

It's even reflected in the furnishings in the house. There is hardly anything in this house that I've supplied or picked out to reflect my sense of style.

From 7/05/09:

In her employment, there is no question who the boss is (she sometimes complains about "being in-charge"), but the dominance is subtle. Not a tyrant by any measure, but she is going to get her way (or life is going to be miserable). And that is my perception at home as well. Only recently, she asked why I just gave up on something and I told he that with her I always gave up, that's nothing new and she's known that from day one.

The incident that she threw back in my face the other day about "my anger" being threatening occurred 21 years ago and it was over my exhaustion of rarely, if ever, "winning" or at least having my point of view really matter. I took the relatively few possessions I had at her condo and threw them out the door so I would not have to keep going in and out the front door. I was putting them in my car and leaving not just for a business trip, but forever. (I was going to California for business and then was going to Lake Tahoe to ski. It was the skiing that was the point of contention. I ended up not skiing and making up. Point is, I gave up something I wanted to do to "keep the peace."). It was an incident that I had forgotten. How different would my life have been?

I may be the perfect person because I've been so tolerant. However, I am reaching a point where I ask "Is this all there is?"

From 7/11/09:

The possibility that I've made a huge mistake is something I am considering after all this time. It does not feel like "investing time," it feels like marking time, like waiting for the clock to run out...which one of us dies first.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a relationship where there is no affection. There is; there is just nothing sexual about it. It looks more like a professional business relationship...to the point where I keep my personal feelings to myself because I have found expressing those are somehow very dangerous.

What I can say is that at some time in the past there was an acknowledgment on my part, that nothing I did mattered any longer, just so long as my behavior was not so outrageous that it could not be ignored.

From 7/25/09:

What do I get from this relationship? In a word, nothing. No...thing.

NONE of the above has anything to do with your wife going through menopause or a hysterectomy. Yes, those are serious medical issues that have affected her sex-drive in a very severe manner, but they are *not* the main issue I have been trying (in vain) to get you to address. *You* can't change her medical condition. But you can change --> YOURSELF <-- for the better, and have a much happier, much more fulfilling life than you do now, irregardless of your wife and her sex-drive.

Jayce put it far more succinctly than I could.

From 8/03/09:

Wow. SSM is not your problem. Why in the world did you marry this demanding, domineering hypochondriac? Butler, heck. You're one of those drone bees that spend their entire lives feeding the queen bee. You bring her coffee in bed while she shops online before work & while she lounges all day Saturday. Your music sports, hobbies all stored away while she takes over the whole house you're paying for, as you say?? So you learned to be agreeable to avoid conflict as a kid. Chronologically, you're not a kid anymore. What do you get out of this marriage? What does she do for you? Promising you won't threaten to leave isn't the same thing as stating it as a fact. Nor is it the same thing as just hauling off and doing it. She may take you to the cleaners financially, but at least you won't be letting her take any more years of your life.

I've already given you my advice.

From 7/25/09:

Much of what myself and Strong&Alive have been advocating to you is that in order to get what you want out of life, you need to find your inner, masculine strength and actually begin the self-expression of "who you are" that you spoke of --> regardless of what others, including your spouse, think about it. In essense:

* start being true to yourself,
* improve yourself physically and mentally,
* engage in the activities that make YOU happy, and
* start living your life for yourself, first.

If you are getting "in a word, nothing. No...thing" out of your current relationship, then why in heck are you currently sacrificing *who you are* for it? It seems a pretty rotten deal, to me.

But you would rather play the victim, both of her medical conditions *and* of her dominance over you. It's your choice.

-- B.