Thanks H, I appreciate the support. Well he's gone "dark" on me, I have not heard a word since our talk last Sun. until an email today (sent last night). More on that in a minute.
He got a new job & started last week so that may be partly why no msgs., and he may have been unhappy at my lack of cooperation. It's weird to realize this but I actually had a much better week without him contacting me. In thinking about that, I am realizing why I get so unnerved when he emails/calls/texts me. I don't trust him. I know its' going to be bad news about the M. I get such a sick feeling when he emails me "let's talk". It is taking me a very long time to process that I no longer trust him. It's unbelievable. He was my best friend. (I thought). He's been moved out since Mar. 30 and I still can't believe what's he's done sometimes.
Last Sunday, he was hopeing we'd start discussing how to split stuff up. He was not wearing his ring. I guess that's not surprising but that was the 1st time I noticed it and can't believe how hard it hit me. He also dropped little gems like "I can't believe you were happy", "there's nothing but junk in the house". Well there is junk in the house but there's also all the stuff we got together, some of it nice. I know I should not take the things he says to heart but it really got to me. I don't feel that much hope the way he's been going after this. I am trying to face my fears about an A. I think there may be something going on with a female friend, a person he used to work with. I find out that the lawyer he's been talking to is her sister!! He talked to her at a party this friend was having. It's all just too weird. I guess the bottom line is he seems so sure that he wants a D. There is no uncertainty or confusion that other people see in their WAS. I am trying to do more GAL, which I can tell you does help. I don't know if it will help M though, as H had not contacted me all last week & even when he was harranguing me before that didn't seem to care. I know that's not the point though. It truly helps divert my mind from constantly thinking about M. I'm trying to hang in, but having a tough time.
So, today I get an email he sent last night (was expecting to hear something soon):
"She said that if what you wanted to do was to have the attorneys talk to each other rather than you and I figure out the house, dogs, etc...she was fine with that but she reiterated that the more we can work out ourselves, the better. She also recommended that we start with a separation agreement. We can figure out kind of in broad strokes who wants the house, how we divide up the stuff in it and what we want to do with the dogs. We can put it in a separation agreement that she will draft up and you can show to your attorney. Nothing is cast in stone and we can change the things in it at anytime as long as we both agree on them.
I guess the main things to think about are the house and dogs. Like I said, we can put the broad stuff in the separation agreement and then make any changes we need to. Please let me know what your thoughts are."
He knows what my thoughts are. My head is spinning & I have done nothing at work today but close my door & cry. And do this post! Would it do any good to press him about A? Does it matter if do find out? He is being so calm & methodical about this (that is his normal personality) not meaner like he was acting before. I'm wondering about whether it's time to open a separate checking acct. (ALL of our finances are still together). I don't think he'd do anything crazy but then again I feel like i'm dealing w a stranger. I read something Karen43 wrote on I think Bills thread about how she didn't do this because she thought H would never take $$ but he did. I am sad & deflated.
H, thanks for checking in. Your positive thoughts helped, at least I had a nice weekend! Thanks for your support. I'll try & check in on your thread later. Please take care & stay strong! LFA
Yep, it happened to me. My H has admitted under oath to having a PA (and I suspect it was an EA before that) with a former co-worker. He's become almost the complete opposite of who he was formerly. I trusted him 100% and he cleared out money from the savings and checking account. My L did set a temp. hearing to have temp. alimony and child custody though, and she is going to address me getting half of those funds he took out at the final hearing. I think even if I have a joint account in future (to pay bills) if I get remarried, I would always have a separate account with some savings in it so I would have emergency money. I had to borrow from my brother and I'm grateful for him, but I wouldn't want to go through that again hopefully once I can get my financial sitch in better shape.
Sorry I took a while to reply, but just read through your thread. Did you hire an L? I do think even if you want to go through a collaborative divorce or mediation, you should still hire an L to protect your interests. You cannot trust your H at this point. He's looking out for himself, and you need to hire someone to help you do that. Some attorneys are very adversarial (mine for example), so you may have to go to several (saw you had that advice before) and figure out which one will be less adversarial and more collaborative if that's what you want, but yet you'll still have someone looking out for your interest, as believe me your H is not.
His trying to rush you and pressure you concerns me. I also don't know for sure, but I think the only reason your H is 100% determined to end your M and move on so quickly is that there is an OW in the wings somewhere; it could be a PA or maybe just an EA, but I don't believe anyone just gives up on a long-term R like yours and be so certain unless there is an OW. I certainly could be wrong, but it seems like a lot of times when Hs are acting like yours, they later found out there is a PA or EA. I think you need to LRT for that reason, and give up on logic and reasoning with your WAS. It won't work.
Don't anymore say you don't want a divorce or anything like that. He already knows, and it is pressuring/pursuing and is not helping and could be hurting. No pressure. If you've hired an L, then tell him to consult your L if he wants to negotiate anything. Say your L has told you that. If you haven't hired one, I think you should start doing that process, interviewing differents L and trying to find one you like. In Bill M's case (hopefully he doesn't mind me mentioning him) you've seen where the papers were filed on him and he was given practically no notice or time to respond and hire an L. At least if you start the process, you won't be blindsided like that.
Don't express any more reluctance to divorce. Keep positive about it. Divorce will take months or longer. Mine has been going on for over a year now and even best-case scenario is going to take 1.5 years (November 30th is our final date). You have time.
You need to GAL and do 180s. What kind of stuff are you planning on for that? If you have any specific questions, please ask away. Things are going to get better, and I have to say I am so impressed with how you are handling your sitch!!! I was a crumbling mass of jello when the "bomb" happened to me. You are amazing!!! Karen
Karen, Bill, Thanks so much for taking time to read & weigh in! I replied to him (because ignoring it just fuels the fire) & said I'm working on a reply (while I check w the L). I have not yet hired the L, but have been talking to one who was referred to me by my coworker (her H is a divorce L & this L works for him).
I am sorry about your H emptying your accts - that's horrible & unbelievable. And with kids! Sounds like you are cleaning up his mess very well but that had to be awful. Even now I can't really believe my H would do that but as I keep reading & posting I see so many others talk about how their WAS have done things they never dreamed of in their worst nightmares! I know I better listen up! Yes, it's been taking me about 5 mos. to consider that there's something going on - why the big push now? The L I've been talking to echos what you've said, best to have communication go through L's. I read Bill's thread & saw that, terrible how things take a sudden twist like that.
Excellent advice - I liked the woman I saw initially but given your advice I think I will talk to several more Ls now - not completely sure which type she is. I do know she must be pretty good as my coworker's H (who is partner at firm) is very successful.
I think you are right - I should stop saying I don't want D, it just seems to make things worse & completely stresses me out.
RE: GAL & 180s, those are areas I need to work on. For me the weekends are the hardest to fill, so I've started using a calendar to actually schedule activities (I'm anal I know!) I am looking at some art classes (love art but not good at it), spending time w my family & accepting ALL invitations to parties etc. even though I don't feel like going. I am definitely faking it til i make it! Bill asked me a while back what things I like to do & the sad thing I'm one of those people who's always thrown myself into my job (wking too many hrs. etc), then a few yrs. ago I went back to school & got a master's (think around this time I really got off track of paying attn. to my M) while working full time - ugghhh! What kills me is I can see the things I did wrong in our M, but H has said it's too late & so I come to these realizations now. Hard to believe a yr. ago we were talking about adopting & look at us now. When I asked H why he wanted to adopt if he was so unhappy then he said "I dont' know I thought it would change things".
Anyway, I was never very good about being good to myself so GAL is a challenge for me - I lap up all the suggestions I read about & am open to all suggestions.
For 180s, since we have such little contact I probably havent' worked on this as much as I should. We really did not argue & even though we used to talk every day I think for us it was lack of communication (about important stuff/problems) that really killed us.
These are my 180's. Please feel free to comment/suggest:
-Stopped pursuing/talking about R (I stopped trying to talk about R with him after reading DB about a mo. after he moved out. HE is the one bringing it up now that he wants a D.
- Being positive in my communications to him (usually email or text) rather than negative (DB coach helped w this) I continued this in my reply to his above email.
- Being out, not being home all the time esp. on weekends (but since he's gone he doesn't know this).
-Making effort to look my best (I know I let my appearance go downhill around the house) this is a good one that I kind of do for me now. And more to do!
Thanks so much for your input. I really respect your viewpoint and your hard-earned wisdom. A lot of good karma is coming your way for all the help you give! I don't know that I've been handling things that great but it sure means a lot to hear you say I have.
Bill you are awesome too & have given me much great advice. I wonder how I got along before finding this board! I'll keep you both & everyone on this board in my prayers & thoughts. Thank you again for your support! LFA
Just popping in to say hi and thank you for your kind words, I did answer your post on my thread.. Will try and read about your sitch tomorrow as I really should be in bed! You take care and I hope to catch up with you soon x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I think your 180s are good! Right on the money. Going out, doesn't matter if he doesn't know this. Do it for you.
It's so easy to put all the effort into the job, and just want to be at home when you're not working. I struggle with this too. When I see people say, make changes for you, I realize, yeah, I will be happier with some balance. Even if W isn't around.
- Being out, not being home all the time esp. on weekends (but since he's gone he doesn't know this).
-Making effort to look my best (I know I let my appearance go downhill around the house) this is a good one that I kind of do for me now. And more to do!
LFA
I LOVE your 180s. I think the weekends, even though he doesn't see them, GALing on the weekends will improve your confidence, PMA, and happiness. Then when you do see him, he sees that. Someone's thread recently was talking about how our WAS pick stuff up without being told or being there. I think we still have some kind of weird connection after being together so long.
I've suggested 180s like that about looking your best, and sometimes people are like well it's the inner beauty that counts. But when I try to look good, say makeup and nice outfit vs. sweats and no makeup; I feel more confident and better PMA when I try to look nice. So I think your 180s are perfect!
Thanks guys! It really makes me feel good to hear you say that. I agree, it's (slowly) getting through my thick head that these chgs. are for me, so don't worry if H sees them. Well I did see H tonight, first time in almost 2 weeks. He came over because we had some prospective tenants to look at our apt. (above our garage). We used to live there before we were married and for several yrs. after, a long time actually. A lot of memories of our early life are in there. So I didnt' go inside, as I couldn't bear to be in there w him right now. A young couple planning to marry in Oct. was looking, & of course that made me think of us, when were just married... oh someone smack me! I have to stop reminiscing!
Anyway, it was hard to see him tonight, as he walked into the house to get the apt. keys I felt such a pang. Maybe like you feel Bill, when you just want to hug your wife. In many ways it's easier not to see him, like all last week. To see him briefly for business type stuff, then he leaves, it's just devastating. I want to say, let's go get something to eat, why do you have to leave? But of course I didn't. I guess I'm just journaling, or babbling, it's therapuetic to write this out anyway.
Karen, you were right. Since I am going along w the separation agrmt., he's dialed way back re: hounding me. Right now at least. The L I've been talking to sent me a contract but I want to get in to see at least 1 more before I sign w her. I told H I wouldn't have an answer to his email about the sep. agrmt. til next week due to the holiday weekend. He seems OK w that.
Thanks friends, for your input & support. And listening to my sentimental crap! Hope you have a peaceful night's rest!
LFA, Thank you for your kind words on my threads. You are handling your situation with so much dignitity and grace, that I have no doubt you will ultimately be rewarded several times over. Being a better, kindler, gentler person is all you can do/work on, in addition to treating yourself and just trying to have fun, live in the moment...if that's anything this experience teaches us is to do just that. I was frustrated tonite about something (with my mom, not even my H - perhaps b/c I am back home in CA!) and kept repeating the serenity prayer to myself: "god grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Even though we have never met we are all thinking of you this weekend/weeks ahead.
Try to relax and smell the flowers and be proud of all that you have gone through all ready. You never know the outcome, but surprises just may happen (with H or without)...and you'll be better for it.
I have been out of town for a few days for work. H stayed here 2 nights with the dogs while I was gone & found they had no water when I returned! He had to bring his (male) roommate's dog over here as roommate was out of town as well. Oh well, they are still his dogs & we can't afford several hundred $$ for a kennel at the moment! I feel like he paid more attn. to her than our 2 pups - wonder how long they were without water. Also noticed he took our 2008 joint federal tax return. Great!
I interviewed 2 more lawyers last week prompted by Karen43's advice. Glad I did too. Thanks again Karen! Now I have to decide. I think I liked the last one best, she was also the cheapest. She asked if I had counseling, said I should not be pressured into doing anything on his timeline & I don't see why I should. He wants to move on a separation agreement, which can become the basis for a dissolution. I got conflicting advice, 1 L said not to talk to H about splitting stuff, 2 others said it's fine & will save $$, just don't agree to anything or sign anything before L reviews. It's just a big scary decision. It's time for lots of those right now.
Seeing a L makes me think about questions like, do I want to keep living here? And really I don't. This house is old, has issues like wet basement, mice (sometimes!) has a garage apt. to manage. Also I am on the other side of town from my family & a lot of my friends. H has said he doesn't want to sell house & we would definitely take a loss right now. And that's true. Said he'd live there if I didn't want to. I have been thinking this last few weeks about what I want to do. It may seem counter-DB to move, but it is hard living here alone - I'm always driving to the other side of town & am further from work. And I do want our dogs, so if I move I need to get a house or make sure I could take them. I appreciate anyone's input on this.
I need to get a much better handle on our finances, like how much do owe on house, in retirment accts. etc. Am still trying to GAL, and I appreciate all the posts from people that keep pounding on this is for me, not H or M. Because I get down thinking that H can't see my changes, he's never around. I need to really get that idea in my head. I feel so overwhelmed by all the legal stuff plus work that I don't think I'm paying enough attn to GALing. Maybe I need to review or update my goals & 180. Thanks friends for reading. I will try to catch up w other's posts as I've been out for a while. Hoping everyone is doing OK & sending support, LFA
