UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

I think that it's a good idea too! Why have we always pandered to the men on these things?!! New Oz - New Nell indeed.

Just thinking when to get hair done. Was all for on the anniversary a week Friday but may be a bit too long away ... can't decide. Can't decide on much at all right now - even like what time to have my shower this morning! I am in jim-jam mode again but have to get up and about as I have the tax thing to do this arvo.

I just feel like I'm going downward fast in to the vortex that has started to grip me tighter. It's a weird feeling really - the Dark Days have taken away many of my bad thoughts but I am overcome now with this over-whelming sadness and the fact that I feel it's all over ... H is NOT affected by my silence. He didn't respond in any way to my 3 word email yesterday and I guess that now he has had evidence that I am still breathing, that's enough for him.

I can't keep on livnig this way. I'm feeling my isolation more each day and I'm almost not bothered about coming here any more either ... it's literally all that I do ... there is nothing else but it's also how I am living my life ... my problems and other people's problems ... is this the new norm?? I can't let it be that way but I can't break free of it either as I just need something to happen to show me that what I am doing is right.

My positivity (on the times that I have shown it) is all a sham. It's a front. It's not me or how I am feeling. I just want to run to my H and drag him back here, kicking and screaming and make him listen to what I have to say. I know that it would get me nowhere but I feel like I am about to explode. I want to cry and I can't ... the tears refuse to come. This is my brick wall. I know that if I break it down, I will no longer be in any sort of control and yet back to square one. I am here alone, I have to look after myself. I can not fall apart ... yet the pent up emotion is destructive.