WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I may get stoned for saying this, but I for one could not live with somebody just for my kid's sake. I love my children to death, but in a M there is you and the other person. In a "family" there are the children. The kids aren't in those intimate times with your S and they aren't in a lot of things where your R with your S is concerned. The kids aren't there in the M after they are grown and on there own, either. There are a lot of years there together "after" the kids are gone. I believe in doing all you can to keep a family together, but I also believe there is a limit to what a person should take from the other S. The R has been abused and it is up to you if you feel that you could ever love this woman again, but are you really doing the kids right by trying to stay with somebody you can't even stand? There have been many R's that held together for the sake of the kids but the couple certainly did not have a "life" and in a lot of cases.....I don't feel that it was fair to the kids b/c of the way the parents felt toward each other.

Right now you are still much too angry to even think about reconciling with your W. I think a lot of healing must be done before you can think about sacrificing your life ....in that capasity....for your boys.
JMHO

This sucks. It's the end of the day and once again I am heading back to an empty hotel room. The friend I usually eat dinner with is out of town and I had so wanted to have one nite where I could eat dinner with someone to talk to.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself or go into a pity party, but this is really not what I expected it to be like at this point in my life. Now I know no one here did either so I'm not alone.

I need to remember what my cousin said - stay focused on what she has done and how aweful she treated you so I could get through these tough times. Not sure if that's the most healthy way to get through, but I will use that and try and get my butt to the gym to work through this.

At this point, I really haven't decided upon my goal. I would love to have saved the marriage as I truly loved her. I'm really not sure how I feel about her now. I know I don't trust her and don't know how I ever could, especially since she has shown no remorse. Even if she did, I don't think that's the kind of relationship I could be happy in as it would eat me up. It would clearly not be an equal relationship as I would either be constantly kissing her ass to make sure she doesn't stray again or she would have to be so perfect that she would not be happy.

So with that being said, I do know what I want, but don't see how it would be possible, especially since she has made no move towards that. Rather she has stood her ground as she has made the appropriate choices. This is very unfortunate for me and my boys but perhaps what I need to do is just move on.

Thanks for all the support. It really helps