WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

I actually "pseudo called" her out on what she claimed son 7 said about this past weekend.

When they called, I asked him if he had asked mommy about having mom-mom watch Son 3 during the week so he could have his one on one time together like we talked about. He said not yet, but he will.

I know that she heard as it was on speakerphone and I could hear her moving around.

At the end of the call, S 3 asked if I wanted to talk to mommy. I said only if she had something to say. She said hello. I said hello. She said she was just saying hello and asked S 3 if he was done talking.

We talked some more and said goodnite and blew kisses and did "hugs". I then heard her say "He's doing the I Love You sign".

I'm still agitated. My cousin said that she had updated her facebook page about 3 hours ago that had her status saying "She has a whole new perspective on things". I don't know what that means or what game she is playing or what she is setting the stage for relative to the next "act/script" that she is going to play out.

I don't know and don't care. I'm moving forward with my life while trying to maximize the time I get to spend with my boys.

[MrBond]

Well she's in La-La land.

No sense in looking for sanity in insanity.

[confusedinpa]

Well she's in La-La land.

No sense in looking for sanity in insanity.

That is so true.

I spent the better part of the nite talking with friends and family. It was an early nite as I got to bed before 1:30 AM.

I'm sure she's not losing any sleep over this and I have to keep this in mind as I have been sleeping only 3.5 to 4.5 hours/nite. I know I can't keep that up.

I didn't get to the gym last nite either as when I got her email, I was agitated and had talked to one of my close friends. He talked me down as he made me realize that she is no longer a person that I can rationalize with. So why waste my time trying to get her to see my side.

I do own my side of this problem where I've made her feel unloved. I know now, that people, this is a deep hurt. I didn't know I was doing that as I had tried to love, honor and cherish her the best that I knew how. That was a mistake on my part. It was not a deliberate act to make her feel that way.

Her decision to cheat on me and lie about it is a deliberate act. She has justified it in her mind and feels she has made the right choices.

I can not control what she thinks and how she feels. I continue to remind myself that I can only control what I think and how I feel. I control my happiness.

Scary part of last nite wasn't even related to my situation, but when I was chatting with one of my close friends, he talked about his marriage. My wife and I had gone to their wedding last year. I had thought we had a good time, but she had complained about how it was not romantic enough and disappointed her. I can't live in the past, but it gets me mad that she never said anything about it back then.

Anyway, my close friends started saying very similar things about his relationship as my wife started spewing out after she had told me she filed for divorce this year. I told my friend I was very concerned. I told him that I was going to send him some books that really helped me and would have helped my wife and I if we had read them earlier.

They don't have kids and he said that, while he wants one, he doesn't think that his marriage will last the length of time to really support children. His parents were divorced as well and it was a very ugly divorce. I told him that I was glad that he was thinking that broadly.

I had wished my wife thought that before we had our second son, but the other side of the coin, I love both boys and do look upon them as the greatest thing that has come out of our marriage.

So I do feel better today after all the angst of the last two days. I do have waves of ups and downs, but I seem to have come off the lows.

Thanks for all the prayers and support

[Sliver]

CIPA,

I've been following your threads here for a little bit and I wanted to give you some encouragement.

I was where you are just about a year ago the main difference being that my stbx continued to lie about her A right up to the bitter end.
I want to tell you that it will get better. You are at the point that I considered to be the worst of it. I said at the time and I still believe that going through this was the hardest thing I have ever done, including saying goodbye to my father. Just have faith that you will get through this and will be happy again.

Stick with the gym. I strongly believe that 99% of the people on AD meds in this country would be able to reduce or eliminate their need if they spent 4 hours a week at the gym. It's the best anti depressant that I know of. Plus theres usually plenty of eye candy.

I know it's hard to imagine a happy life without your W and even harder to understand what went wrong and how to put it back together but it will get better CIPA, I am living proof of that.

[confusedinpa]

Sliver,

I'm sorry you went through the same crap.

I'm not sure if our situations are that different as when she realizes that I'm not buying her BS of denying it, she just stops denying but isn't out right acknowledging.

When I had first confronted her, I named 3 names of guys that I knew she was involved with and all she said was that she didn't do anything with guy # 2. Didn't deny for guy # 1 or 3.

That's how she has been in her communications. Although in this case, my eyes and ears were open enough to hear the message that she was sending. She did with guy # 1 and 3.

It really hurts and you are right, it really makes me sad thinking of my life without her. I do understand what went wrong, but don't see a way to put it back together. That's what pains me.

Going to the gym on Monday helped - running for a couple of miles and then lifting. Funny, I never was much of a runner until this year. Losing 30 lbs has helped with that. Guess I need to be thankful for the little things......

Thanks for offering your encouragement. It really helps.

I know it will get better if I allow myself to be better about it. I am glad to hear you are on that path.

[confusedinpa]

I may get stoned for saying this, but I for one could not live with somebody just for my kid's sake. I love my children to death, but in a M there is you and the other person. In a "family" there are the children. The kids aren't in those intimate times with your S and they aren't in a lot of things where your R with your S is concerned. The kids aren't there in the M after they are grown and on there own, either. There are a lot of years there together "after" the kids are gone. I believe in doing all you can to keep a family together, but I also believe there is a limit to what a person should take from the other S. The R has been abused and it is up to you if you feel that you could ever love this woman again, but are you really doing the kids right by trying to stay with somebody you can't even stand? There have been many R's that held together for the sake of the kids but the couple certainly did not have a "life" and in a lot of cases.....I don't feel that it was fair to the kids b/c of the way the parents felt toward each other.

Right now you are still much too angry to even think about reconciling with your W. I think a lot of healing must be done before you can think about sacrificing your life ....in that capasity....for your boys.
JMHO

This sucks. It's the end of the day and once again I am heading back to an empty hotel room. The friend I usually eat dinner with is out of town and I had so wanted to have one nite where I could eat dinner with someone to talk to.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself or go into a pity party, but this is really not what I expected it to be like at this point in my life. Now I know no one here did either so I'm not alone.

I need to remember what my cousin said - stay focused on what she has done and how aweful she treated you so I could get through these tough times. Not sure if that's the most healthy way to get through, but I will use that and try and get my butt to the gym to work through this.

At this point, I really haven't decided upon my goal. I would love to have saved the marriage as I truly loved her. I'm really not sure how I feel about her now. I know I don't trust her and don't know how I ever could, especially since she has shown no remorse. Even if she did, I don't think that's the kind of relationship I could be happy in as it would eat me up. It would clearly not be an equal relationship as I would either be constantly kissing her ass to make sure she doesn't stray again or she would have to be so perfect that she would not be happy.

So with that being said, I do know what I want, but don't see how it would be possible, especially since she has made no move towards that. Rather she has stood her ground as she has made the appropriate choices. This is very unfortunate for me and my boys but perhaps what I need to do is just move on.

Thanks for all the support. It really helps

[PMA_Baby!]

C - I can now totally relate to your sitch. What's your email so we can exchange contact info?

Stay strong. PMA

[confusedinpa]

If you have a FB account, you can find me as CI PA

Friend me there and we can exchange emails/contact info

Or you can call my hotel 845-463-7500 Room 205

I'm going for a run now but will be in my room by 7PM EST

Talk to you soon!

[confusedinpa]

I did a quick run (little less than 3 miles). It really helped clear my head. I grabbed some take out so I could be back in time to skype my boys

I had a good call with my boys. He said that they couldn't get the computer working to use skype. I just told him that was odd since we used it to talk to my cousin in CO over the weekend. I said I'm sure mommy is trying her best to get it working.

She got on the phone and said she couldn't get it to log onto the wireless router, which she said had been a problem with her work computer too. She said that she would have to hit the repair button 20 times to get it to connect but she said she would try

I thought - funny, there wasn't a problem for the first 3 weeks then suddenly it doesn't work at all this week - I left it alone and just said I appreciate her trying to get it to work. Then I asked her to put the boys back on.

I chatted with both boys for about 35 minutes. They were very excited when they realized they were going to come home tomorrow. I heard my 3 year old let out a "Yeah!" and my 7 year old said "Horray!"

It really picked me back up from my funk.

She did get on the phone to tell me his last week at camp was at a different spot (I had already known that). She started to tell me how to get there (I already knew but let her just tell me). After she went through the directions, I thanked her and asked if the boys could get back onto the phone.

They did and we chatted some more.

I will see my boys in less than 20 hours and 36 minutes, not that I'm couting. I can't wait

[confusedinpa]

I back in a good moment. The run really helped pick me up. I didn't realize how much it came through the call.

About an hour later, she sent me a text asking if I could print out pictures

I waited for a while and decided to send her a playful text back - "Why - are you sending me more pics like at the end of july? ;-)" (That's when she sent me naked pictures of herself)

She sent me a quick answer No and it was because our 3 year old son needed a picture for his classroom.

I didn't respond to it, about 30 minutes later she sent a question asking "What was up with my new attitude?"

I didn't answer and 30 minutes later she said "I hope you know I did not mean that in a bad way"

So I think she's having a WTF moment wondering what's going on.

I'm going let her sit in the dark for a while