I am going to bed. Both of them are sleeping in my bed tonight
No matter what has happened I will always have them and they must have me, as their mommy and friend and always their dad's biggest fan. Their attitude has changed. Kids sense everything. Today they were in the "dad should not be discussed in this house" mode. It wouldnt surprise me if they had agreed not to, while walking up the stairs...
So, here we are, 2 years later, 1 home in 2 houses, a lot of guilt and bad energy between us, 15 kms apart. A lot of resentment, regrets and questionmarks still. But no hate. I cant hate him. And that feels good although for the last few days I was struggling with that as well. Afterall "I am supposed to hate him after all he did" right?
I need to get myself straight, quick, focus on what's important and stop poisoning the present.
stbxH did the best he could. Sad that THAT was all there was in him. But he did the best he could. The last few weeks, shifted the "blame" from me/us to him. I didnt choose so. It happened. My instant reflexes to the info I got. But not fair. When someone opens the door to the third person, there is an opening both are responsible for. At least in my story, that was true.
I feel I've been a victim for too long and it does me no good anymore. The purpose of self preservation has been served. What happens to me as of now, it's my own doing. No one has the power to ruin our lives or define who we are and what our future will be.
I have a lot of healing to do. I need to stop regretting I trusted him. But tonight, as I sat there watching my kids sleep, I realised that no matter what the end was, the love I had for that man, was a great love, magnificent love. The love that came out of our relationship, our kids, is the greatest one of all. I dont need much more proof to realise there was a reason afterall. Maybe unconditional love is more than just "standing". I am thinking it must be "rising above". And I will.
I miss my caring for him. Dont know if you can understand that. I miss being his rock and his base. I miss being his wife, his partner. I miss all the things we were and those I thought we were. I miss my "innocense", my faith that things will work out fine.
So..., things will work out fine and I will not become the sad outcome of a bad divorce. I am no "poor mommy" material. I know I am a drama queen and feel things intensely. I know what I need to look after and take care. And it's not "me". It's all that is "mine". And I am so grateful I have still a lot that is mine.
Christina (the ow) couldnt touch things that in the beggining I thought "she" ruined. As I told him, she found "space between us" to sneak in, but she could never "stand between us". It is true.
Turning pages is hard. And I am doing it. As I type this. I need peace and time to recover from this long fight, I may have "lost", but I fought well. No use telling anyone that is here that this hasnt been easy to accept. And there is no use anyone reminding me I have to accept it. I know and I am getting there.
Bill said I know there is true love out there. I do. I can only hope I will get even another chance. And to get that chance, I have to be able to soften my heart and FEEL as a healthy person, not as a numb, hurt, bitter woman. When I get it, I will consider myself lucky.
So, taking it day by day but keeping my eyes locked on my goal. For me, life with no love, is not worth living. It's how I am. It's when I am complete and happy. Time to get those tools back out, and get ready for a complete life. It will happen, eventually. I am patient, most of the times. Things will be ok. As I told my son today, nothing worth having is easy to get. But I am getting it. Somehow, someday. And I am not narrowing it down to persons.
