I need to write things here just to clear my head.
I just wish there were a way I could explain to her how and why I lied to her about the affair that I had but how that makes little difference in comparison to her having an affair and telling me all about it while it was happening.
She says I "broke" her, she feels betrayed etc. When I tell her that I felt all those things too but that I never really blamed her and was able to look past it, it just does not help. She is so consumed in her own discomfort that she walked away from the marriage and now she is too consumed in her self to hear anything.
I changed my phone number by the way to save us both from the pointless conversations about how terrible I am and even from the next day when she is lonely and apologizes only to attack me again the following day. What is happening to her?
I am seriously considering finding a 3 month program overseas where I can just live a minimalist life and lend a hand to other human beings that need me. Can't find any programs yet that won't charge me money to do it.
Write away here X... it so helps. Running away overseas is so attractive isn't it. Good job on the # change. The distance/nc isn't permanent, just a good way to break the cycle. Take the time apart to figure out tactics that you will use to prevent her from blaming/attacking you when you do regroup again.
Stay strong in knowing that you were not totally wrong here. You were left with pain and little choice and sought out a means to comfort that pain. IMHO
I hate getting the blame too, but it's just their way of trying to slime their way out of the guilt they feel for banging someone other than their spouse.
You would think that they would just call it a wash and forgive each other, but no-o-o-o-oooo. For some reason, YOUR sin is SO much GREATER than Ms. Perfect's indiscretions.
I'm glad you are moving forward because she will never stop beating you over the head with this.
Whenever she starts in on you again, just let her keep hitting a brick wall. There are good women out there who will treat you right.
I so love her though, but I have no response when logic is not used in an argument so now I go away from her venom for a while and maybe she will realize that I love her. Maybe she does not love me though, I bet that's it.
No calls or emails, because she can't. The last time I spoke to her she was very angry and lashing out. She left me a message the other day before I changed my number at 4:30 am that just said "I know your there".
I miss the soft loving voice of the soft loving woman I used to know but she has been replaced by a very sharp tongued and hurt angry viper that blames me for everything. She is going to calm down someday but her mind is capable of building walls that stay up forever. It is like a stone labyrinth around her heart of all of the walls she has built to protect her from the realities of the world, what has happened to her and what she has done to others. She is an expert at this type of building. I am afraid that she is lost forever behind this facade.
She has rarely been the type to express empathy for the troubles of those she knows, she simply acts as if everyone can just get up and move on no matter what the circumstance, so my depression that I have always had was felt by her as a personal insult, laziness and even stupidity. Her reaction was to get another job and blame me for leaching off of her while I was trying to figure out how to make OUR life work.
She is so consumed in her own discomfort that she walked away from the marriage and now she is too consumed in her self to hear anything.
This is the root of the problem my friend. This is all about her. She twists you up and makes you feel bad, but everything she says to you, always leads back to...HER. Sorry, but in my opinion you not talking to her is the best thing for both of you. Let her know that you have forgiven her for the past and she needs to do the same for you, if she can't then that is on her. Take care of yourself and get some distance on this for your own piece of mind. Distance will help you get some perspective on the situation and may help you decide what your best course of action is...even if that is to do nothing.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
