Take down those pictures, put one in the kids room, and that is it. Why should you have to look at his face when he is doing this to you and the family.
It is time to let him know, through the grapevine of all of the guys that are hitting on you when you go out, and that you are going to be busting loose again. He is having his cake, keeping you on a string, while he does some other chick. Time to cut that string and show him what he is going to miss. He is scared to lose you.
I took down the pictures at work, does that count? At home, not yet.. but thinking about it. The problem is the more I disconnect, it seems like, the more he disconnects too. I know, it is for the best but I feel like I'm just pushing him towards her when I cut those strings. Last night, he called because he is taking the girls tonight since he can't tomorrow...I said, "great, just bring them home before 8, I'll be home by 8". He got a little defensive and said, "well, I was thinking of picking them up and hanging out at the house, but I'll take them to my apt. if you don't want me at the house". I said, "I don't care, I won't be home". I called later that evening b/c D5 wanted to tell him something about school. We had a nice chat then. He keeps asking me "how are you?" - it reads like he wants to make sure I'm ok - to proceed with d? I don't know. He did tell me that he saw a friend of mine's wife at a restaurant on Monday but didn't say hi to her (so obviously, he was with OW). Now all my co-workers will get to find out why he left, lovely.
About the going out and getting hit on, well, I'm not sure how he'd hear about it ... plus, I'm a pretty shy girl. I HAVE NOT DATED SINCE I WAS 15!!! Other than H. I don't know how to flirt to even get hit on. Trying to GAL the best I can, have a game night with single parents on Friday that I met through a meetup organization.
Question: H's birthday is next Thursday. I had originally invited him to eat (early) with me and the kids... it's on his reg. scheduled pickup day with the girls. Should I go? Should I give him a present... was thinking of buying a fossil. He likes fossils. Not too personal? I don't know. Any help is appreciated.
Also thinking of dropping a few $$$ on a DB coach.... nothing I'm doing is really affecting him at all. He has a new life with OW and I'm out of the picture.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
Please get with a db coach, they will help you. You are not in a db frame of mind if you are thinking of buying him a watch, inviting him to dinner and so on. Birthday or not. This man has left his family to be with another woman. I would not want to have dinner with him while he is doing that.
By the way, next time he says he cannot fit the kids in his schedule and moves a scheduled date for pick up, simply reply, "sorry, they are yours that night, I already have plans."
Get that coach, it will make you feel more confident in the choices you are making for yourself.
Yeah, not sure buying a present is a good idea. Seems like pursuing to me. Perhaps NOT getting him a gift on his birthday would make the more appropriate message. - Bill
If you have the money for the DB coach then yes, spend it. And yes, be at home when he has the girls. You need more time with him to show him you are the better option.
And you need to be as firm with the girls schedule with him as you can. And why an early dinner? Why not all night so he has no time with her for his birthday.
He still has a responsibility to these children.
I think it's time to stop sharing with OW. This has gone on long enough and you are beyond sainthood.
he,he... just had to laugh. Fossil as in a rock, not a watch - that would be too personal. I think if I do get one, it will be from the girls? At any rate, yes I think it's time for a db coach. I'm really trying to walk that fine line b/w being nice and the "better" alternative and not breaking the db laws of pursuit etc. As far as schedule, he has been more than accommodating to me - if I have plans, he comes an extra day etc. and the reason this time for the change is work related so I felt like it seemed fair. Thanks for reading, I know we are all facing our own demons.
@Stronger, my prob. with trying to spend more time on his bday is that he'll get that sad, puppy dog look that he misses OW. Remember, in his eyes ... we are just friends. His loyalty is to her. He has been struck by the luv bug and doesn't yet realize how poisonous that bug is. I watched the movie Coraline recently.... so wished I could tell him that he is that little girl and OW is the "other mother" or "other wife/girlfriend/lover" and she will turn into that wretched monster. Good movie, btw.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
And why oh why is that your problem? Do you think he gets those looks when he's with her while missing his girls grow up? While you become a stronger woman?
You've put up with a lot crap. I don't know how but I would love to see you put your foot down.
But really, it's time for him to take responsibility for the girls. You need a break two and you didn't have those girls alone.
Sounds like he has it all, no responsibility to the girls, has a great friend in you, and is in love with OW with absolutely no consequences. Do you really want this guy back?
Don't know. Yes, of course. But not "this guy", and I don't want my old relationship. A new relationship would take time and I don't know if that's even possible since he is "in love" with OW. No matter. Really broke lots of db rules last night so here goes:
Get home at 8, H comes outside:
H: how are you, since when do you wear lipstick M: I wear it everyday. (he shrugs, and says never mind) H: HIW you say ok, but I really want to know how you are, you always say fine on the phone, and what I hear is "none of your f*(% business", maybe I'm being selfish, but I really want to know how you are, emotionally. I worry about you and the girls and I care about you and want to know if you are ok. M: Well, that's all I can say, I'm ok. I don't know what else you want. I don't ask you about your life and this is the position that you have chosen to be in. These are the choices that you have made and I am just focusing on me. H: I know, this whole thing is just so F*($& up. (starts to cry just a little).
We talk about our relationship, he expresses that he didn't feel loved by me. I apologize for my neglect of him and my focus on school and work. I tell him that I sincerely wish it had not been that way and that the things I did were for the good of the family, not intended to make him feel unloved. Then he starts to wonder what happened to us and I say that he lost his curiosity in me and he says, "i know and I am so mad that I did". I asked him what his gameplan was and he said he didn't have one. I say, ok, you don't need one, but you do need to think about the long term consequences of your choices. I tell him that I know that I'm the hard path and that human nature is to go with the easy path but that whatever he chooses he should be the one doing it - not me, not anyone else. He agrees.
He says that he has never fended for himself and that he is finally doing that. I say, I don't understand how you think that you were not contributing to this household... (financially, we are both screwed now). He says if I need more $, he'll give me more $. I say that $ is not what I need.
Basically, we talked about the relationship and I tried to convey that I take responsibility for my shortcomings without giving the idea that I think what he is doing now is ok. Nevertheless, it could be interpreted as pressuring and I guess that draws him closer to OW.
He hugged me tight and then grabbed my face and gave me a kiss on the nose, forehead and both cheeks. So, once again, he loves me but is not in love with me and he may be mad about that but there's nothing he can do about it. I don't even think that he is physically attracted to me anymore.
HIW M 35 H 37 D 5, D 2 Married 1996 Dating 1992 Met 1988 EA/PA started March 2009 Bomb 6/16/2009 Separated 6/23/2009
