For this you have to BE a strong, independent, happy, fun, loving person. She sees this when she sees you being happy and fun with your kids. She DOES NOT see this if you are cold, or rude, unhappy, angry, sullen. She DOES NOT see this if you are talking to her about how she is hurting you. She DOES NOT see this if you allow her to walk on you without standing up to her.
This is not something that you can fake. You have to BE strong, happy, independent, fun. Think Action.
2) She has to realize that she IS LOSING you.
Any time you pursue, allow her to walk on you (facebook?) without standing up for yourself, etc. She does not feel like she is losing you - you are still there. You need to separate yourself from her.
The trick is balancing these two - how do you separate yourself, stop pursuing, and let her realize that she is losing you, without being angry, sullen, rude, or otherwise being a person she would want to leave.
The ONLY way to do this is to become truly independent; to become happy, strong and independent without needing her.
What a great post. I got this saved now and will read it every morning!
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
I am taking it to heart. I will also print it out and put it where I will see it every day.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
"Remember that your W has to realize 2 things.[/b]
1) She has to realize WHAT she is losing.
For this you have to BE a strong, independent, happy, fun, loving person. She sees this when she sees you being happy and fun with your kids. She DOES NOT see this if you are cold, or rude, unhappy, angry, sullen. She DOES NOT see this if you are talking to her about how she is hurting you. She DOES NOT see this if you allow her to walk on you without standing up to her.
This is not something that you can fake. You have to BE strong, happy, independent, fun. Think Action.
2) She has to realize that she IS LOSING you.
Any time you pursue, allow her to walk on you (facebook?) without standing up for yourself, etc. She does not feel like she is losing you - you are still there. You need to separate yourself from her.
The trick is balancing these two - how do you separate yourself, stop pursuing, and let her realize that she is losing you, without being angry, sullen, rude, or otherwise being a person she would want to leave.
The ONLY way to do this is to become truly independent; to become happy, strong and independent without needing her." - Thinker
That's a killer post!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It is, but the only problem I have is how do you go about being happy and fun without it seeming forced or even spiteful? I guess I can answer my own question. If it is truly real, if you really are happy and independent, it will not seem forced. My fear is that it will either make her resent me, or worse, affirm to her that I will be fine, so it is OK for her to leave. I know the answer is that then it IS ok for her to leave. I am not there yet.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
That's the problem right there. It's something that we all dealt with. Take a look at your sitch and face the reality of it. Accept it, then move on.
Your fear is what's stopping you. Conquer that through detachment. Stop being afraid of what SHE thinks or what she might do. What do YOU think? What are YOU going to do to conquer that fear?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My fear is that it will either make her resent me, or worse, affirm to her that I will be fine, so it is OK for her to leave.
Are you saying you're ok with her staying only because she thinks you won't be ok? If this is the way you are thinking there is NO WAY you are not projecting this, at least a little...
I know it will sux if she leaves no doubt, BUT you have to get to a point where you WILL be ok either way.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I am trying to accept that it's already over, that we are all but divorced already. Once I get my mind around that, I should be able to detach. It's the whole "good soldier" thing. I know I am holding back on things because I am afraid that by saying them or acting certain ways it will push her to leave. I will use this as a mantra: "It's over..." If I keep focussing on that, it will sink in, and the rest should follow.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I guess I can answer my own question. If it is truly real, if you really are happy and independent, it will not seem forced.
You got it! Not the challenge for you is "How do you get there?" Face the fear head on. If your fear is of D, the investigate D and learn everything you can about it. If your fear is of being alone, then plan out what life alone would look like. Once you have done that sort of thing, you will find out that you really aren't afraid of it any more, because you'll realize that (to quote Coach ) "You can handle it!"
Quote:
My fear is that it will either make her resent me, or worse, affirm to her that I will be fine, so it is OK for her to leave.
She won't resent you for being independent, but she WILL resent you for being dependent. If she thinks that you can't handle losing the R, then she will continue to lose respect for you as long as she is in the R and thinks that, and that lack of respect will drive her out the door.
She will never stay in the M (long term) out of guilt, and even if she did, is that the M you want to be in?
Quote:
I know the answer is that then it IS ok for her to leave. I am not there yet.
[2x4] Get there!
Not by being angry, but by looking and realizing that if she leaves, you can handle it.
[/2x4]
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
My fear is that it will either make her resent me, or worse, affirm to her that I will be fine, so it is OK for her to leave. I know the answer is that then it IS ok for her to leave.
If she resents you...who cares? Then she was never worthy to be with you. If it affirms you will be fine and she leaves...Who cares? You will be a complete person who doesn't need to depend on another for happiness. The point here is that until you reach the point where you can accept the fact that she may leave and you will be fine with that, you will suffer in your own vicious cycle you have created for yourself.
That's the problem right there. It's something that we all dealt with. Take a look at your sitch and face the reality of it. Accept it, then move on.
Your fear is what's stopping you. Conquer that through detachment. Stop being afraid of what SHE thinks or what she might do. What do YOU think? What are YOU going to do to conquer that fear?
) "You can handle it!"