I don't get why accepting D is a driving force here? What's the right choice for you and does D happening or not happening really have anything to do with it?
My acceptance of D is my secret weapon. I was so terrified and it tempered everything I did and my time with my kids and family and friends.
Now, with that as one option, I am free to be in the moment. Be present, be myself, flourish, take the foggy glasses off and see things for what they are NOW, not the past, not some fantasy, not some prerequisite outcome that I many or not ever achieve. Recognizing your lack of control can take you to rock bottom. I went to that place, kicking and screaming and then, I faced it.
Life is better. I am not glib about divorce, I will never extoll the benefits of divorce. I simply know that I will and must thrive and enjoy my short life no matter what.
It is freedom RSF. And it is attractive. Trust me. My H checked me out from head to toe today and it isn't because he's never seen me look good before. It is because I am alive and vibrant and it intrigues him...
That on a guy is irresistibly hot. Man, I feel like if I was a guy I could work this sh*t so well.
I don't get why accepting D is a driving force here? What's the right choice for you and does D happening or not happening really have anything to do with it?
My acceptance of D is my secret weapon. I was so terrified and it tempered everything I did and my time with my kids and family and friends.
Now, with that as one option, I am free to be in the moment. Be present, be myself, flourish, take the foggy glasses off and see things for what they are NOW, not the past, not some fantasy, not some prerequisite outcome that I many or not ever achieve. Recognizing your lack of control can take you to rock bottom. I went to that place, kicking and screaming and then, I faced it.
Life is better. I am not glib about divorce, I will never extoll the benefits of divorce. I simply know that I will and must thrive and enjoy my short life no matter what.
It is freedom RSF. And it is attractive. Trust me. My H checked me out from head to toe today and it isn't because he's never seen me look good before. It is because I am alive and vibrant and it intrigues him...
That on a guy is irresistibly hot. Man, I feel like if I was a guy I could work this sh*t so well.
No seriously guys I think someone kidnapped AAK and is posting posing as her.
Keep handling it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
No seriously guys I think someone kidnapped AAK and is posting posing as her.
Keep handling it.
I vote for keeping the imposter ;-)
Last edited by RedSoxFan; 09/02/0906:33 PM.
AKA: "Ben the school teacher" --- Me:45, W:41 | Ds:10,12&14 | M:18, T:20 Me: MLC+PA+WAS+Separated 10/08 My Request to Reconcile Denied 7/09 W w/OM 6/09-11/09
No seriously guys I think someone kidnapped AAK and is posting posing as her.
Keep handling it.
Cheers
It was always me. I just had to go through what I had to go through to really be able to own it.
Lessons are learned through experience, not cerebral gymnastics. I have always talked a good game, been into self help, given great advice. Matters of the heart can challenge and make one question everything, do I know anything?
My life turned upside down and inside out. I had to re-adapt, pull my organs out and put them back in (that is truly what this has felt like). I still recognize a rib in the wrong place now and then.
I don't regret hitting the wall. I like where I'm at now.
LOL YES! I do have a life, freakin' busy!!! Work, kids, dealing with "the WIFE" who in the beginning of this separation didn't want to look at me, now can't stop being around me even while arguing as much as she can about anything & everything, it's close to stalking but not there yet. Last month getting 20-30 calls (no joke) per day was a little.... much, and that doesn't include text msg's either.
I'm a systems admin too, so when I'm on call there is way too much work to do and way too few of us to do it. Plus I like to have a bit of personal life, going out, hanging out, gym, shopping, making sure I'm the like the "best dad ever", 24 hours in one day just doesn't cut it, I need more time, I used to think the days went by fast, now it feels like the weeks go by fast. Busy, busy, busy - I can't remember the last time I watched TV LOL! Thank god for smartphones with decent keyboards that can browse the net & check mail, I can't see myself living without this handy device.
Long story Short... I am busy. I will read (I promise) what I have missed after you have poured your guts out (scoop them back up when you get a chance, you don't want anyone slipping on them and falling and then suing you for the physical harm you caused them).
Thanks doll.
H has text stalked me since he left (it is finally tapering off). Problem has been getting him to treat me as a person of equal value and not some sitting duck who will spend time with him in the hopes that he will appreciate me (well actually not such a problem since I've stopped engaging and being available). I suppose it is more of a precondition to my being willing to date him.
I'm doing alright, just typing all that history again was a tad grueling...looking forward to your input which will come when the time is right, I'm sure.
No seriously guys I think someone kidnapped AAK and is posting posing as her.
Keep handling it.
Cheers
It was always me. I just had to go through what I had to go through to really be able to own it.
Lessons are learned through experience, not cerebral gymnastics. I have always talked a good game, been into self help, given great advice. Matters of the heart can challenge and make one question everything, do I know anything?
My life turned upside down and inside out. I had to re-adapt, pull my organs out and put them back in (that is truly what this has felt like). I still recognize a rib in the wrong place now and then.
I don't regret hitting the wall. I like where I'm at now.
Feels good to find your voice again.
The Dark Night of the Soul:
Quote:
In the Christian tradition, one who has developed a strong prayer life and consistent devotion to God suddenly finds traditional prayer extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this "dark night." The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. In the most pronounced cases, belief is lost in the very existence of God and/or validity of religion, rendering the individual an atheist, even if they continue with the outward expressions of faith.
Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, they in reality become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.
Entering this dark night of the soul is commonly referred to in Buddhism as "raising the Great Doubt".
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So, it seems that in my backing off, H is finally taking that more seriously. Last week, 4 invitations from him, this week zero. As a matter of fact, I almost caved in assuming he was going to invite me again, but he didn't, was actually quite funny.
Yesterday, he checked me out from head to toe and I could see the "what the heck is up with her expression."
Let's just say there is an iota of hope for this M, with my lease ending and major decisions having to made, do you think it is that I get my own place, we make our sep. agreement (possibly file for D depending on which makes more logistical sense), he has his own life and I have mine and somehow it goes full circle and after he really experiences his rock star fantasy (with all the trimmings, both negative and positive) then, and only then, perhaps we reunite?
On the upside, I am ready to move on, I am dating, I am looking for my own place, I am ready to file.
There is still a tiny part of me that looks at the kids and looks at our finances and our 14 years together and thinks, "are we really going to f*cking do this?" I mean this is going to cause some serious damage. So, I am aware that I've got that tiny part that somehow magically wants to save the ship before it sinks...In a way though, I think it is like in our marriage where I was always trying to keep him from hitting rock bottom because I didn't want to go down with him. But, if we separate completely and legally, his plummet is his problem...only caveat is that I am financially dependent and it'll take time to be self sufficient.
Anyway, I think I've answered my own question. We are beginning to settle into a new paradigm. He has gone from constantly texting and being in my business to backing off. It is different than most sitches in that way, so it seems so counterintuitive, kind of pushing him out of the nest, "you say you want to go, then f*cking go," right?
This is an odd space but potentially a middle phase for us or perhaps the end.
He seems very MLC now, losing weight (urgently because he is going to work with rock star again), honing a new hipster look, studying about his psychic abilities, out every single night, hundreds of friends on FB, pictures of him with models (though that has toned down for now)...
Just looking for a sort of pick me up, I guess. Late nights and early mornings are tough when I get that "this can't really be happening feeling" and missing my kids etc. but overall doing awesome, exercising, going out...
Yes, love is a choice. I do love him. I don't like him right now. I am not "in love" with him. Fortunately.
He left nine months ago (went to sleep at friends' houses and travelled a bunch until finally getting his own place (well,paid for by rich friend) about 2 months ago), tore into me as to how it was my fault. I took the hit. He left town, I lost a bunch of weight, started working out and though I was a frickin disaster inside, I looked good and appeared to be managing well. When he came back and saw me, he flipped out and was angry (oh now you x,y and z) which I now understand is because he had already crossed some threshold (OW perhaps).
Never since he left has he really left me alone. I have stayed out of his business. I have validated, apologized, analyzed, discussed, made myself vulnerable, went on dates with him, had sex with him. It is all documented somewhere on here but it was really awful because no matter what, he felt that his "destiny" was to leave etc. Any positive interaction was deemed negative after the fact because it didn't fit with his decision to leave, so my efforts were futile.
What he wanted was to feel like a "man" to be a big shot in the entertainment biz, to have a girlfriend who could go out with him every night (he doesn't remember telling me this)...he wants to be around important people with fame and money (which he has succeeded in doing)...but, we are broke and in debt.
In our M, I was neurotic, demeaning, critical, withheld sex (not intentionally, I had lost attraction and it was very frustrating and demoralizing for me as well) although, I still spiced it up on occasion and made efforts. Often I was visibly bored and unenthusiastic about sex. I felt objectified and used because our M was cr*p and the s*x became one of the only area he put any effort into.
He has body issues. I fell in love with him with extra weight on him but his self-loathing and lack of connection to his body really affected our sex life and his confidence. I felt I was f*cking a boy not a man.
Well I'm starting to go through the history you graciously re-posted (thank you).
Couple things stand out and I'm just going to go back & forth a bit to cover those things that stand out the most.
A recurring theme jumps out based on your own descriptions, your husband wanting to feel like a man, a big man. He tends to use you as a crutch, his reason for not succeeding or feeling like a man. Some of it may be warranted but I think alot of it is him not taking responsibility for his own life and there isn't much you can do about that.
You admitted (and kudos to you for admitting the things you've done, I hope you don't take the blame for everything or make up faults on your part to justify his behavior because that's not necessary of you or anyone else for that matter) being neurotic, demeaning, critical, withholding sex and for a man that is having trouble communicating with his wife, that is a killer. I can't speak for him but everytime I looked at my wife, it was like a reminder how much I was the mosted hated person in the world to her but she could be fine & normal to everyone else so everytime I looked at her it reminded me of how much I had "failed" her, I now don't do this to myself anymore, personal happiness is just that, personal happiness, you can't blame someone else for you not being happy, that's alot of pressure and in the end it's just not fair. Don't blame yourself for him being unhappy or immature.
You mentioned being visibly bored and unenthusiastic about sex, that's a kiler for men too when alot of men view that connection as love with their wives, without it, the resentment grows, we start questioning why we're not good enough, what's wrong with us,etc.
Again this isn't all on you, you both did things to kill the attraction between the 2 of you, it isn't just all him and it isn't just all you either.
I read that part about "...I felt I was f*cking a boy not a man." and all I can say .... OUCH! If he ever felt that coming from you, I'm sure that killed his self-esteem and increased his anger & resentment of you. It's that recurring theme of wanting to be a big & powerful man and feeling like a little boy around you and wanting to escape his married life to pursue what he perceived couldn't be attained with his life with you.
The thing about feeling like a man vs. a boy, I remember feeling like a boy, ineffectual, powerless, never having any control, etc. That's a personal state, as much as my wife contributed to that feeling (and believe me she did), in the end, I got to feeling the way I do currently by doing the work that was necessary and to stop using crutches & excuses in my life. Excuses don't explain, and explanations don't excuse - an old fart taught me that and it's stuck with me for the last 2 years. In a nutshell you are where you are today because you got there yourself and you'll get where you really want to go & be in life by getting there yourself because you own your life, you control your life (you don't control anyone else, trust me) and you are responsible for your own life. Once I finally understood this (really understood it), that's when things started to change.
I'm not living a perfect life now, far from it but it sure is way more enjoyable and there is a great satisfaction knowing that how I currently live my life is largely by my design and no one elses. I'm happy, I have a spring in my step (and it ain't because I use irish spring in the shower, I use axe body wash LOL!), I laugh alot, have a ton of fun and I communicate that in my body language - my friends just smile when they're around me, they're biggest complaint about me now is that they don't see me enough (I'm busy, life is very fast paced) and that's a huge compliment about how I'm living now. The phone used to be quiet, now it's off the !@#$% hook, it's silly sometimes.
I'm going to comment on the rest of your posts, I'll take them apart piece by piece and reply accordingly.
AAK if I have to say anything above & beyond these replies, it's that you seem to have a great PMA, it translates in the way you talk and that's awesome because that means you are heading towards great things in life, with or without your husband. If he doesn't value you or the relationship he had with you, it is his loss, especially when you've taken responsibility for the things you've done (not what he's done, that's on him).
