Not sure if this is MLC but...

[dmkdmkdmk]

Things are so far so good with the new baby. She is a doll, and so quiet, and she sleeps all night (we have to wake her up to feed her).

Not thinking too much about the marital situation, but I guess I'm still DBing in a way because I take every opportunity to run out to go to the store just to have some alone time

I never told H what to do as far as his schedule - yesterday he proposed that we would switch off nights - he would spend every other night at the house and we would just do the days together. So I guess we're going to be doing the "family" thing for the next two weeks after all. I'm trying to be sweet when I can, and excusing myself when the hormones get the better of me so that I don't say anything mean. But there's lots of laughter and smiles in the DMK house right now.

[dmkdmkdmk]

So, I've achieved pre-pregnancy weight today. I'm wearing smaller jeans than I was before I got pregnant, and I am going out tonight with some friends and leaving the babies with H for a while.

H is completely unable to admit that I am doing fine without him, that I'm pretty damn amazing, and look terrific too. Probably because if he did, he'd also have to admit to himself that he's a complete tool for leaving us. I'll take a raincheck on both of those...

It's just really hard to not hate him when D cries because he's leaving or not around. It's going to be hard for her when he goes back to work next weekend, because he won't be around during the day anymore. He's been taking her with him everywhere because he can't even stand to see her cry (yesterday he saw her through the window when he was driving away to go home and shower and change and he came back to get her because she looked so upset).

[dmkdmkdmk]

Well, found out why I should always remember to take my antidepressants while I've got the postpartum hormones going on...

What started as a money talk (as in "why aren't you giving me any") evolved (or de-evolved) into talking about child support and custody, and when H said he would want 50/50, I said "I'm not doing that to my kids." H: They're my kids too.

Me: "Why are you doing this to us?! I would have done anything for you!" (imagine this said in the most anguished voice possible, with heartwrenching sobs. Probably broke many DB rules. But it's not even about the R anymore. It's about my kids. The ones that I didn't carry in my body for 9 months each to only give them half a home.)

So, we've both seen lawyers. H saw a firm locally that is big into father's rights. Very high retainer though, don't think he would be able to afford it. I saw my lawyer first. H only saw his because I said I didn't want him to take D overnight.

H apparently got kind of pissy that I had address labels that said Ms. Firstname Lastname.

They were the freebie address labels that St. Jude hospital sends out with the request for donations. I've had Ms. Firstname Lastname labels the whole time we've been married. I actually laughed at that, in between sobs. I told him that everything I've been doing is on the defensive, but he doesn't see himself as being on the offense.

So H took D out for a while, and when he came back to the house I apologized for losing it, and went tanning. H also complimented my weight loss. After I got back from tanning, he went out to get some beer and food (bought a 2-pk of key lime pie to share) and we watched some funny youtube videos and a couple of episodes of Scrubs together, and I went to bed.

[dmkdmkdmk]

So, thinking of laying it out on the table for H... Something along the lines of...

"after our conversation the other day, I have doubts about how amicable settling on a custody situation is going to be. I think 50/50 is an awful thing to put children through - it's disruptive to their lives and there is no sense of having a stable home if they're constantly being ping-ponged back and forth between their parents.

I know you love them as much as I do, and want to see them as much as possible, but I carried them in my body for nine months each, and my mind and body and emotions have been a hormonal war zone for almost three whole years now. I didn't go through all of that to give my babies half of a home. Two halves will never make a whole, and I worry about the long-term affect of all of this on them.

I still think the best course of action is to try living together & being married again before we start talking about how to halve our daughters' lives - I think we've both learned lessons about how to/not to treat each other. I know we're on your schedule as far as your lease, your commitment to the army, and your work schedule, and I can deal with that."

[Mach1]

Hey D !

I think it is good to think that way, in reality, there is a lot of guilt there.

I'm not so sure you have to say anything to him right now. The guilt of being away is enough to make him think.

You've communicated to him that you want this to work out, no need to re-hash it right now.

Let him continue on his path with this thing and give it time.

How's that baby girl doin ?

[dmkdmkdmk]

Hey!

I wonder if he thinks that I'm not of the same mindset anymore - he knows I've seen a lawyer, I've asked other friends what they did in their divorce situations, books I've had around the house, etc. Maybe I should just make another counseling session...

Baby girl is doing great! Growing like a weed, eating all the time, etc. She sleeps great too. I'm loving having these two little girls!

[dmkdmkdmk]

These kids sleep like pros...

I've been more religious about taking the AD's since that blowup, and there haven't been any since, and he's been particularly nice to me. He actually said I looked pretty the other day. I've avoided R talks for the most part, but during a texting conversation the other day I told him that I've told those who know about our situation to not call the outcome until the end of the game.

Sometimes I wonder if he knows he's made a mistake by moving out but doesn't know the way back in. I'm doing absolutely nothing to encourage him in either direction (I'm really completely terrified to open back up - I don't think that would happen for a long time - but I see him starting to be more the H I know...) It seems like we have two choices - reconciliation or mutually-assured destruction.

Stronger was talking on her thread about being at the place where she is fine with either outcome - and I'm at that place BUT adamantly against 50/50 custody of the kids. I could live without H just fine, but I can't live with seeing my girls half the time.

And of course, I have a feeling that my mom is spreading my business amongst the family, which was bound to happen eventually, but now she wants to interject her opinion and what she would do. I just tell her - I am doing what I think is best for the kids. The best outcome for the kids is the best outcome for me. Best outcome is reconciliation, best outcome in case of D is I get full custody.

And a random thing I've noticed - at one point when I heard certain songs I'd always have to change the station. Any love song... Any Kings of Leon song (he started listening to them a lot when we were having troubles). Now I can listen to them and sing along.

And, I'm pretty sure there have been no OW in the situation, before the bomb or since. Have had some confirmation that he was always telling the truth about who he was hanging out with. Just needing excessive amounts of "guy time".