WAW Using God

[Thinker]

Hi Pigskin,

I can only back up and reinforce what Coach is saying based on my own personal experience.

I have not read your whole thread, but I believe I was in a similar sitch as yours. Still living together, but in a long, slow downward slide toward D. I worked on myself in all the usual ways (GALed, got in shape, PMA, etc). But my W was backing steadily away, and I would repeatedly discover that she had had contact with OM again, etc. Each time I would get angry and tell her to stop, and she would say she would (to stop the argument), but then start again, etc. I felt trapped between the choices of either detaching and ignoring what she was doing, or becoming controlling and hyper-vigilant. Since my goal was to avoid D, I stayed away from that topic, and she would scare me by bringing it up.

I finally realized that a) this is miserable and not how I want to live at all, b) I'd actually rather get D'd than continue like this and c) if something didn't change the long downward slide was going to end up in D anyway.

I told myself (and really meant it)
1) She has already D'd me. It just hasn't formally happened yet. Since I am therefore already divorced, the thread of Divorce no longer exists.

2) If I react the way I want to, what is she going to do? Divorce me? (oh wait, she's already done that...)

This occurred over a period of serious introspection...which was followed by action.

The next time(s) that OM incidents occurred, I told her (clearly and calmly) (Note, these are paraphrased versions of longer discussions - not direct quotes)
- I have changed. I am no longer willing to accept this.
- I am not willing to share you with any other man, in any way
- As an adult, you are able to have any relationship you want with any man, but you can not do that AND be married to me at the same time.
- If you do not cease all inappropriate contact with other men (inappropriate being any relationship you would not be willing to openly conduct in front of me), then I will contact a mediator for us and a lawyer for me and we can start divorce proceedings.

After this, she was more willing to work together, more open in our MC sessions, etc, but then...

...She tested me. She got back in contact, she refriended OM on facebook, etc.

I repeated the above and said that the next day I would be contacting the mediator and the lawyer.

The next day, I gave her the contact information for the mediator I had called, told her I had an appointment with the L, and let her see me going off to that appointment.

And at that point, things changed. She apologized. She cut off contact with OM. I felt empowered to lead more in our R overall rather than just reacting. Things are not "all better", but the slow downward slide in our R has become a slow upward climb.


The thing is, however, that I couldn't have done that as a trick or as a tactic. It took me 8 months of DBing until I reached the point where I was clear enough in my own mind to see that what I was doing was not working and to be detached enough from the outcome (D very likely) to be able to do what I needed to do.

I had to get to the point where, although I clearly did not (and still do not) WANT a D, I am no longer afraid of it and (in fact) find it a preferable alternative to continuing with the M as it is.

Hope it helps.